Thoughts

I'm too impatient when it comes to relationships

Okay so I know everyone talks about it. Almost everyone is out there searching for that one special someone that is your perfect match. Everyone talks about it but it seems no one talks about how hard it is to find that one person. Like seriously we live on a planet with like over 7 billion people and you are expected to find that one person. Well how do you know when you find them? Have we all met the love of our life and never realized it or even said a word to them? Just let them slip right on by? There has been one guy that I've met that I really felt something real with and I've never even had anything romantic happen between us and it seems like there never will. It's been hard because how do you know? There is so much risk and heartbreak over just jumping into every relationship but how do you know unless you try? Love is just a cruel joke until you find the one. But even then, is there any guarantees that it will last? Maybe I'm just impatient and need to just wait until time thinks I'm ready to find them. If I were to find them now I'd be throwing away a lot of my future as I am then confined to only that one person rather than making mistakes with others and growing in character. Yet I just want so badly to meet that one person that just looks at you and thinks you are perfect to them. That they understand sometimes you do crazy shit that you don't understand but they don't care they'll just laugh about it with you. I just want someone that just fits with me and my life. That makes me feel wanted and happy by just simply locking eyes with them. Someone that everything just clicks with you. I'm just so tired of feeling lonely, feeling like no one truly gets me and loves me completely. I'm also tired of how the English language only has one word for love. In Spanish there are a few more ways to admit different feelings of love that make me jealous. I'm so done with people that just a week after dating are like, "I love you so much. I can't wait to grow old with you." To then dump you a week later to chase after someone else. Like why are we saying shit we don't really mean? Can I not meet someone who genuinely tells me their feelings without being embarrassed because of them or me? Can someone be proud to love me and that I love them just as much mutually? But then I also don't really believe in PDA. I want to meet someone that isn't going to embarrass me in front of my family. Like yeah I love you but I don't want my family seeing me sit on your lap or kissing because that is just rude and awkward. I want them to be able to see how deep our love is by just the way we look at each other and move almost as if in sync. Rather than all over each other looking like fools. Now I say I want all of this yet I'm so impatient I wonder if it'll ever happen like this. I'm so ready to be already at that point but that point takes time and learning so much of the other person. Plus life isn't a romance book. It isn't going to reach this point at the first meeting. It makes me wonder if I'm already on that path with someone I'm not expecting now but will bud into something later and that by being impatient will ruin it. But how do you know? You just don't. I don't want to reach the point where I just settle down with someone that is okay enough to compromise with myself that they are good enough. But then it's scary because how do you know if there is something better out there waiting for you to just give up and settle on someone that you don't mind. It's hard to be alone yet kisses that are made of nothing make you even more desperate to just settle. I'm starting to think that maybe I just don't have that perfect someone out there for me. I've been in so many relationships and they almost always break up with me when I start to really fall for them. Or I'll have people that just are complete opposites of what I want and there have been so many like this lately that they all just push me farther and farther into the desperation of finding that one that feels so much more harder to find. Pride can be the biggest enemy of love. Everyone seems to just hide their true feelings because they've been hurt too much by the judgement of others or they just are too scared to reveal themselves to the world. Either way it's very off putting when someone is so prideful they seem to not be able to hold a real conversation with you or are able to say anything other then yeah or no. Like I'm not going to judge you if you tell me how you honestly feel or show me who you honestly are. Honesty is such a huge deal like you are nothing to me if you are not honest with me. You can tell me the most hurtful thing ever but if you are honest with me I won't hold it against you and I'll take it to heart for sure. So if you say something hurtful to me and I don't know it's a lie, I'm going to take it to heart and people don't realize that, that can really break a person. Lies break people. It fills them with so many dark feelings that are hard to get over. So the perfect one for me will understand that and respect that as I will do the same to them. Yet I have no guarantee that I will find that one person that is all that I hope for to me. I'm just very tired of debating this all in my head. It's very frustrating and I don't know what I should do. I just hope that fate does end up pairing me with the one for me when it feels I am ready. I'll easily admit though that it's going to be a very frustrating impatient time.

Sorry for grammatical errors