4/2/14

27 0 0

by diaryofjesus

by diaryofjesus

Dear Readers Who Probably Suck,

Greetings! I've never really kept a diary before. This is a bit weird for me. Hopefully when I'm older I can look back at this and see how awesome I was when I was fourteen. I'll start off with telling you about myself:

I don't feel comfortable with giving out my name, so you can call me Jesus since we're basically the same person. I hate stupid goddamn popular girls. If any of you are a hipster, fuck off and come to my house. I'll shoot you with my brother's gun personally. I go to a gay ass Catholic school and know a lot of gay ass people. My friends and I are badass as shit. If anyone messes with us, we get my brother to fuck that person in the ass. They always complain about their shit being bloody after that. People at my school are so whiny!

Now that I'm talking my amazing self, I will tell you about my much-less-cool friends, enemies, semi-friends, Jesus-lovers, and haters. First of all, let me state that I have changed these people's names for protection. I chose names that suit everyone quite nicely. First there are my three best friends: Fabuella (Fab), Whimsical (Whims or Whim), and Romera (Rom). They are my best friends ever. We are awesome.

Racquella is a close friend of mine. We call her Ratchet. She is cool. She has a crush on Mr. Ferret. It's kind of creepy, but I still ship them just because they'd be perfect together. There's also Leslie. I love Leslie, but I hate her! She totally has a lesbian crush on me! She even follows me everywhere. She's so in love with me. She copies everything I do, but she's still fun.

We call the six of us the SassMastas. Everyone calls us that. It's just our name. We are so fucking sassy, considering we kill people sometimes. We only kill the #hataz! Anyway, the Sassmastas hate the stupid goths and popular girls. They are so bitchy and not even cute. They are so two-faced, I can't believe it. One time Gertrude and Guirtrude had a fivesome with Wacc, Saggy, and Airball! Can you BELIEVE that shit? Me neither. Obviously it's true because Ratnut Thirstin told us so and he's their best friend, so he must know, you know?

The goths are rumoured to be lesbians, too. They're totally in love. Vego is SO in love with Vega, but BJ is so in love with Vego! He's obsessed! It's so weird! One time he tried to grab the little ant bites she tries to pass off as tits, and she LET HIM IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY! Mrs. Hobb didn't even stop them! The SassMastas were disgusted.

Except Whimsical TOTALLY has a crush on Ratnut Thirstin, but he's a definite Jesus-worshiper! He's in love with me! One time he asked me out over text, but he spelled "Mew" rather than "me," so rather an answering, I replied, "You mean the Pokemon?" It turned out to be a pretty good dodging thing.

The Perds are the perverted nerds. They're so annoying. They moan, scream, make sex jokes all the time, make gay jokes all the time, and make all-around annoying noises. I hate them, and so do the rest of my friends.

Guirtrude's brothers are really weird. Their names are Albert and Alfonso. I really don't like Alfonso. He's a stuck-up dickhead. He really likes to yell at people, threaten people, and beat up others. I don't really know why. I know we do the same thing like, all the time, but he sucks, so... yeah. He only gets into really bad fights with his brother. One time he tried to strangle Albert with the string of a jacket, and I had to break it up because our asstarded fucking math and homeroom teacher Mrs. Hobb was too busy playing with her goddamn iPad. The fuck kind of teacher is that?

Anyway, today in science we had to do a project. Fabuella, Juan, and Jack were in my group. Obviously I was happy to have Fab there, but I absolutely despise Juan. He's so fucking annoying. I couldn't decide whether or not to categorise him as a loner, a perd, or a wannabe popular. Anyway, the project was creating a soft landing system for this egg. Fab and I ended up bonding a lot with the egg, whom we named Norman.

We loved Norman, We really wanted to keep him safe, and we did! Our safe landing worked, but when we were done, we brutally murdered Norman. I had his guts all over my hands. Fab and I were bawling as we literally cracked the poor kid open. We're just too tough for our own good, I guess.

Anyway, I hope you all liked my first entry. I'm not very used to this. If you didn't like this, fuck you. <3

Bye, bitches!

-Jesus