Suck It Up

I can't do this anymore. I hate myself and can never make myself believe that I am worth anything. But you don't really help with that, do you? As I sit here with tears running down my face you don't even notice. When I need you most you're nowhere to be found, but when you need something it's always me who is the only one willing to help. You only care about me when it could damage your reputation as miss perfect who cares about everyone. You only care when it affects you. I have cried in front of you so many times and you never even realized. By the time you read this I'll probably have picked myself back up until my next mental breakdown. But nevermind all that! I have to be sunshine and laughter all the time! Isn't that right? I have to pretend to be happy because any time that I show you any emotional instability you tell me to get over it. And you wonder why I never tell you anything! I'm losing my trust in you! I have told you multiple times that something is wrong with me, I'm mentally damaged! I shouldn't hate myself, I should have motivation, I shouldn't want to die just so I don't disapoint you anymore. But no, nothing is wrong with me, I just need to stop being lazy and suck it up! I need to stop being dramatic and get over myself!!! Don't you care?!?! I'm falling apart at the seams and all you care about is me making good grades and ruining your reputation!!!! You don't care!!! Any time I express my true feelings it gets turned around on me as a guilt trip!!! Guilt tripping is my only reason for staying alive, I live for other people!!!! I live so my loved ones don't blame themselves for me losing it and me finally just jumping off of a building or stepping in front of a car!!!!!! I'm done. Done with fake people and disappointing the people that DO care about me. But NO! Please! I'M the one who should be sorry! My bad! Sorry that I'm "killing the mood" and "making people sad" and I "need to stop"!!! Well guess what?! I NEED HELP!!!! AND I WILL FIND IT, WITH OR WITHOUT YOU!!!!