Do Dreams Come True?

It's Okay To Be Emotional

Yes, I wanted to kill myself. I didn't want to live with the pain anymore. I went to my closet and stood in front of this painting of my dad, brother and I. I tapped the right upper corner and the painting lifted up. I stepped onto the black platform and my body shook as I was being lowered down. I opened the black door and stepped into my cave. Only Gray and I know about this cave because we told the builders to make this component when the house was being built. It was our way of escaping our rich world and being in a space where no one can bother us.

I went to the corner with pictures hanging on the wall and just stared at them. I saw how happy I was with my small family and broke down again. I couldn't kill myself. I couldn't leave my dad or my brother. How could I possibly kill myself and let them suffer because of my selfish move? I looked up at the photos again and saw a picture of me and Rae won and remembered the promise I made. I promised him I would never try to kill myself. Without that promise, I wouldn't be here in this amazing house. I wouldn't have met all the amazing people from King. I would have honestly missed out on a lot of amazing opportunities.

Due to this promise, I learned different ways of coping with my emotions. I decided to just post on my spam account on Instagram about how I left since only my closest friends have me on that account. I posted a picture of the inside of a Mercedes and wrote this as the comment:

It has been 2 years & yet what happened still makes me cry myself to sleep. Everything I look at or do reminds me of you because we shared those things.

I thought everything was okay because we agreed to be honest with each other and rely on each other but I was stupid enough to even believe that.

Blaming me for something that wasn't my fault was the hardest thing for me to go through alone. You apologized and I took you back. I was blind and didn't realize you never meant your apologize.

You know how suicidal I am & how I used to cut myself & yet you don't realize what you did made me go back to my old self. I want to say goodbye but I always find myself going back to you. I hate everything we have in common. I hate how I trusted you, but just got hurt at the end.

You turned into someone I told you I don't like. It took me 2 years to see how toxic you were to me from my suicidal thoughts to my eating disorder.

Just looking at you makes me think of my late friend. I can't look at you without thinking of how much she supported me while you left me and called me a burden.

I've seen all these red flags but I still decided that you could change me for the better. What happened, in the end, is that I learned to not trust males anymore and how much I hate hearing your name.

Hearing someone call out your name, even though it's not you, triggers my memories and takes me back to the day you took me to the beach.

I told you everything about me, things not even my best friends know. I trusted you that much and you broke it.

I miss you and I hate myself for missing a toxic person like you. 2 years and I'm still talking about you. I never got the closure I needed from you & it turned me into a hot mess.

I bottled up all these emotions because you never want to talk about how to fix our problem. I'm happy you found someone who can make you smile, even though you lied about her to me. I really hope I can erase you from my memories and never have to see your face in my life. I guess this is goodbye... 😞

Author's note: This post was actually made in real life on June 18, 2017.

I posted that and went to bed. The next day came around and Uee helped me get ready for Prom. My dad took me to Rosetta Gardens to take photos with my friends. Daesung's mom offered me a ride to the banquet hall, so my dad agreed and told me he would pick me up. Prom was better than I expected minus the food because the food really did suck ass. I only liked the salad and that is only because it had thin slices of mango in it. The main dish was pretty disappointing because the chicken had no seasoning and came with 5 pieces of vegetables. I spent most of my time taking pictures with people I got close with this year and only danced for 10 minutes. Even though I was having a fun time with Henry and the rest, I still felt really petty. I didn't realize how petty I was/felt until after I posted a selfie of me and Henry on his snapchat story. At this time I deleted Jiyong from my snapchat, but Henry still had him. I knew for a fact he saw it. I wanted him to look at my smile and feel bad for hurting me.

As much as I want to move on from him, there is something that keeps holding me back.

Fast forward to 2 days after prom, I went to the mall with Lucky to look for a graduation outfit. I was surprised I even found one because nowadays clothes have way too many cut outs for my liking. I decided to look some what business formal for graduation and honestly, I think I looked cute. Graduation was a pretty memorable event for me because my late friend's mom came up on stage to receive her diploma. I cried my eyes out that my friend couldn't be there with us. I miss her so much. Our principal and a few other teachers performed a special song for our grade and it was the best thing that happened in the past 4 years at King, which is kind of sad. The ceremony went on and I took photos with my friends and said goodbye to my favorite teachers.

2 weeks later, I started work at a summer camp. The first week was tiring because these little kids drained my energy every single day. I was lucky that one of my team leaders was someone I went to school with back in grade 7. Everything was going well, until July 16th.