If Summer Never Ends

Chapter 25

Chapter 25:

Broken. Everything was broken. My friendships, my heart, myself. Accompanied by that brokenness was the unyielding and inebriating emptiness, both of which overflowed my body like a river, damaging everything in its destructive path.

It was an achingly familiar pain, being broken. I had felt it once before when my parents' died: the blank thoughts, the way I could endlessly count the times my chest moved up and down as I slowly breathed, the throat-swelling, the dry tears, the constant loneliness that never seemed to go away.

But it felt different that time. It was a new type of brokenness. A new type of emptiness. A new type of loneliness. And despite feeling lonely most of my life, I had never felt it like that before.

I replayed the fight over and over again in my head, never getting enough of the pessimistic surge of being not good enough. And I wasn't. I wasn't a good friend. At all. But for some reason, I thought I could protect the people I loved, but I had just hurt them in the end. Luke was right. I wasn't protecting them. I was hiding behind them.

One of the worst parts was the realization that I deserved everything that happened. I didn't deserve to be happy. I didn't deserve to have loving people in my life. I was always bound to lose those around me, and that was the worst part of all.

So I sunk back into my old habits: locking myself in my room, stuffing my face with food, and crying. At some point I would end up with my head between my knees, but I just didn't expect it to happen so quickly. Everything was going great but then . . .

Perfect best friend? I had the perfect best friend six years ago, not the ruthless liar standing in front of me right now.

His words echoed in my mind.

But perhaps, time and the inevitability of growing up had torn through the fabric of our friendship. Maybe we drifted and then throughout the whole summer, we were trying to put two pieces together that just wouldn't fit. And then my stupidity had put the icing on the cake.

Honestly, life seemed unbearable at that point. I didn't feel like eating, sleeping, or even living. All I could do was think, unfortunately. I couldn't easily flip the switch off in my mind so that my stupid thoughts would just stop.

Even though all was quiet in my room, everything inside of me seemed so loud. The heartbreak of two friends screamed at me, right in the face. It was like a hundred tornado sirens going off in my head. And it never ended.

How could I bare to face them? I still had two weeks left in Florida. I had to get out of my bed eventually. Cecily would probably glare at me from across the room and talk about me with Valarie. And Luke? He wouldn't even acknowledge my existence if I ran into him somewhere. I was just the idiotic girl that broke him.

It was horrible to think that his last words to me were to go away. If he was my friend and told me to leave, it wouldn't have hurt that much. But he . . . was something else. He was more than a friend to me.

I loved him. And for a brief second, I thought he loved me too. But then I had to go and fuck everything up. End of story.

Someone knocked on my door and I heard it slowly creak open. I didn't bother to turn and see who it was. I just stared out the window.

"Gabby? It's me," Aunt Julia warmly said. I felt her weight on the bed as she sat down next to my limp body. "I brought you some juice, if you want it."