Lyrics to a Goodbye (a Harry Styles fanfic)

Dreams

Chapter 1-Dreams

Harry's point of view

It's been a long and tiring day. I honestly don't know how I can still stand right now when all I want is to collapse and let myself crumble. I've been holding on to a thread all this time and it's all thanks to the boys. Still, even if they've provided that thread, I'd be lying if I didn't say that the simple act of maintaining the hold wasn't agonizing. I felt like someone had cut out my innards and something was still chewing out what was left of me. A never ending, searing, piercing pain. It took all I had in me not to scream out and cry, which in fact was what I did a while ago. But cameras were rolling and the whole world was watching. I had to pull myself together.

"I'm going in," I say to the lads. They've been discussing about who would stay with me in my flat and who would go back with Paul to help with damage control-answer questions that have been raving about since a while ago. The fans were in an uproar, in a commotion because of what had happened and they still are. Even if it was about 12 in the morning, the press was desperate for an answer and the fans were tweeting away to our accounts. Things needed to be taken care of soon and me going mental in front of the cams more than once was not going to help. I had to go in NOW.

"Wait, Harry," Paul says, holding on to my arm as I turn to go in.

"Yeah?" I reply, turning back around to face him. I could tell that my eyes looked tired and distant from the way he looked at me-full of pity and concern.

"I'll stay with him, Paul," Louis offers with a final note in his voice, to end the conversation. He must know how badly I want to go in- the need for me to escape. 

The truth was, all the boys wanted to stay with me because they were all worried like hell. They wanted to keep their eyes on me at all times. Plus there was also the issue of facing the questions waiting. Questions I knew they didn't want to answer because it brought pain to them as well. I kind of felt guilty and happy at the same time that I got the ironic privilege of running away.

"I want to be alone," I say. I know it's stupid. I know that having someone would probably be better. But I just wanted to go into my shell, to the deepest and darkest place I could within my self and within my flat and just cry out. And I didn't want anyone with me to do that no matter how frightening it would be. I don't know why but it is what it is.

"I think it would be best if someone were with you, Hazza," Zayn says gently. I could tell they were worried I would kill myself.

"I won't do anything rash. I'm not that dumb. Please, I just really want to be alone. I'll call you guys tomorrow morning, yeah?" They all give me doubtful looks and I see that they're all weighing the risks.

"I agree with, Harry," Liam starts and Niall turns toward him to protest but Liam puts his finger up to silence him.

"No, he wants to be alone, we should give him that," he finishes and they all hesitate again then silently nod. It's Paul that speaks up first.

"All right, Harry," he allows.

"But take note, we're taking Louis hostage," Niall says and holds on to Louis arm. "If you do anything stupid, we'll make him do stupid things and spread it all over twitter."

"Louis always does something stupid," Zayn says, rolling his eyes.

"Something even more than his usual," Niall shoots back. They're trying to cheer me up and I manage a little smile.

"Thanks lads. For everything," I tell them and I know these few words are not enough to fully express my gratitude but I can't push myself to do any more. I'm too tired.