Astray

Chapter One

We don't choose the circumstances of our lives. We don't even choose to be born. One day we are just thrust in the world without our consent with no power of who we are born to and what our lives will be. No one asked us what kind of family or life we wanted before we were born. We are given what we are given, and we have to do the best that we can. We are powerless as children unable to take control of our lives until later, much later. Once we realize that there are other ways, other places, other people to live with, we crave for that change. We want that power to take control and change our circumstances that we were given when we were brought into the earth. And for most that freedom comes at eighteen. For me I was a year late on that freedom.

But not anymore, not now. I thought I was going to be fine not going to college like most people. Because under the circumstances of my birth I wasn't in the "most people" category. I was barely born into the "people" category. I wasn't fine though. I had tried to fit in, tried to swallow my craving for a different life, for my freedom to form my life into one I wanted. But that desire rose back out of my throat and consumed my thoughts until it made me bitter. Bitter at my life, bitter I was even born, and worst of all, bitter at those around me that I knew I loved. I loved them, I loved the people who had been at my side since birth, but that was just the issue. They had been at my side since birth. They were all I had seen of the world, all I knew. And my desire for change grew stronger every day.

So I couldn't be fine with it. I had tried the way laid out for me for a year and it didn't work. I was going to go to college. I was going to get out of here, change my circumstances. I was going to give myself the life I wish I had been born into.

How are you supposed to tell your parents that though. How was I supposed to look them in the eyes and basically tell them I hated the life they had given to me. They had literally given me life. They also loved me unconditionally which made this worse. I wish they would hate me after this, disown me, never want to speak to me again. But they wouldn't. They would still want to see me, talk to me, come visit me. Which would make it worse. I didn't want to live without them, but every time I saw them I knew the guilt would eat away at me and make me want to come back into the life that was planned out for me.

So how was I supposed to do it? Say "Mom, Dad I know you've have done everything, given everything to give me the best life possible, but it's still not good enough for me. I'm being a selfish daughter who is leaving you guys because what you've given me is not what I wanted."

I couldn't do it as I stared into my mom's warm brown eyes and the crows feet by my dad's from years of good hearted laughter.

"I uhh well I uh." I stuttered. I had called them into the living room and now they were staring at me expectantly as to why. I clenched my eyes and took a deep breath. I had to do this. I had to take control and change my life. I owed that to myself. For once I had to do something for myself.

"I want to go to college." My voice came out stronger than expected. I sounded confident, sure of my decision. My mom's face fell as she knew that even the closest school to us was over two hours away. My Dads ever present soft smile turned into a frown. I felt my resolve soften.

"Just for a bit." I followed trying to ease my guilt of disappointing the people who had given me everything. "I just.." I took a deep breath. "I just need to see what else is out there, you know? This is all I know, and I know there's more out there, and I got to see it for myself."

My mom looked to my dad as they exchanged a disheartened glance.

"I'm just going stir crazy here." I laughed following that statement trying to ease the weight of it. Laughing like it was a joke. Like "hey you guys get it right". As if I had just told the punch line.