What's Holding Me Back.

Water

So, today I went to the beach.

You are probably wondering, 'Why is she starting this entry with something fun and bright?'

Well... I thought about the sun. My mind drifted on how it came to be, why it burnt my skin every time I mustered up enough courage to actually go outside, why so many people loved it. When I truly thought about how the sun made me feel, I felt happy. 

For the first time in ages, I could smile and mean it. The sun is something so powerful in our lives, something so bright and influential, but yet, it's a grain of sand compared to the amount of time and space that actually exists. So, what does that make us? 

I ran my hand through the soft sand that sat just up on the water side. I toggled and manipulated it to bend at my will, then I thought about what role I was meant to play during my short life on Earth. 

Am I smart enough to pull it off? Am I pretty enough to raise a family? Or even get married? 

I could feel my vision blur and the waves crash against my legs. I felt the overpowering energy of the sun, the beaming rays, that were literally slowly giving me cancer. I wanted to disappear, even though I was almost alone and no one was paying attention or caring. I kept my head down and faced the water, letting salty tears slowly bead and run down my face. 

I wasn't sure why I was crying. When I cry, I have a reason or a source of pain, but today I cried tears that weren't full of pain and misery. I wasn't happy, or prideful. I could finally breathe.

I could take in the air and sit up straighter. 

I felt as if the elephant that was once weighing me down and pulling me back, was lifted from my shoulders and for a brief moment...

I was the me that I've always desired to be...

I had hope...

Reason...

And maybe even, a little courage...

But only for a moment...

It all came rushing back like a hurricane full of rage...

What did I do? 

What was I to do?

I pushed myself up off of the ground and ran towards the water. I ran as fast as I could and swam as deep as I could. I felt like a blanket was sounding me and no one could ever hurt me again. As I treaded the water to keep myself a float, I thought, 'What if I just stop?" 

So, I did...

I let the water take me and consume my whole. I stayed under for as long as my breath would let me, then, when my body couldn't take anymore, I pulled myself up. I did not gasp for air, I did not look or feel scared, I felt calm. 

It was the first time in years I had felt calm and not full of anxiety. It made me feel the way the rain and snow did, but it didn't feel so far away, it felt close and new. 

As my mother's truck pulled out of the parking lot and we made our way home, I felt empty and drained, yet again. 

Opening the door to my room and shutting it carefully, I laid down on my bed and wrapped myself in my blankets. I laid in the silence and thought about the people that affected my life, and how they did it. 

And in that moment, I thought of the silence that fell over me when I was under the dark water. 

It was loud, but yet silent. 

That is why I felt happy...

Why I felt calm...

The loud silence is how I relate to water. Calm and helpless, exposed to a storm at any point in time, exposed to the sun, and exposed to the world.

And with that, I hummed myself to sleep. 

I was, yet again, consumed by the darkness.