truth // yoonmin

eight

the next days are so fucking hard. there's no other adjective to describe this week and i know it sounds so plain and empty to say something is hard. like "man, this test was so hard" or "it's so hard to talk to her - she's so shy". but thats just how it feels to me, hard. because it is so damn hard to try and hold back when that person is next to you almost 24/7 because best friends just always stick together. as cringey as it sounds, mind you.

we've got school and most of our classes are together and of course, of course we sit next to each other because i'm directly behind him in the register. i remember us freaking out like primary school kids when we found out, jumping around and squealing. well, the closest boys can get to squealing. our poor teacher.

i don't really feel like jumping around at the moment. or squealing, as a matter of fact. more like curling up in the corner and just dissapearing. not having to think anything, not having to feel anymore. completely emotionless. like a rock. but here i am sitting next to jimin, in geography class, slowly but surely giving up.

because every smile, every nudge he gives me throughout the lessons make my heart flutter and something small in me break. because i know this will not work out. me hiding from him, i won't be able to do this any longer.
just one more hour, i tell myself. and then : only lunch break left, you can do this.

But then there's the next day, and the next and after that the next week, next month, next year. i don't know how i'll be able to bear that. just keep breathing, don't stop breathing, i think over and over. but it isn't working. because he's always there.
in lessons handing me notes and laughing at me when i don't understand a word our biology teacher is saying. in lunch break when he's eating his warmed up bean burrito which smells like a bad version of taco bell plus dog food. well dog food is already quite bad, but you know what i mean. doing our homework after school and giving up halfway through to just play video games until his mum calls and asks "where the fuck are you" and "come home right this minute". and he just answers the way he does everytime: " at yoongis mum, at yoongis".

and when he smiles that smile of his, making his eyes almost dissapear, i forget all that. i love it so much. and i hate it. i hate and love it at the same time, i guess. i hate it because i'm feeling things i shouldn't be feeling. because it's wrong, because that isn't how a boy should feel towards his best friend.

i don't think he knows what he's doing to me.

:•°

aaaaaaa i really hate this it's so frigin boring but i've had this in my notes for so long and it pisses me off not finishing a story so ... yeah . i don't like this .thecringeistoomuch