What Was Never Said

2

I never told anyone this but I knew.

I knew you smoked. Probably earlier than I should've.  Earlier than the cat was out of the bag, and out in the open.

I was the youngest, and as a reflex everyone tried to protect me. Protect me from the truth. Protect me from the world. Protect me from all the horrors that are out there.

But there's only so much that one can do.

I remember, I was probably in fourth grade when I first found out. That's a pretty long time ago, but the funny thing about our brains is that they never forget events that hurt.

From birthday's to funerals, you just never forget.

And that day you were downstairs while I was studying up in the balcony. I was down after 15 minutes when you kicked me out and said I should be more serious, so I went back.

Little did you know that you were unknowingly pushing me to find out your little secret.

At that time I was reading a novel of Shrek. The movies were already out but I just really wanted to read the book.

So when I'm somewhere in the middle I notice roughly two pages missing. I was annoyed because someone had torn my book.  And I couldn't continue the story without those pages.

Abandoning 'studying' I started scavenging for the missing pages. It took me a while to find them but when I did they were in a crumpled state and slightly burnt.

The residues of a cigarette were there and something else I didn't really understand.

When I looked up I noticed a bottle I hadn't seen before. It was small and I didn't really know what it was but from smelling it I could tell that it was alcohol.

Suddenly I felt a sharp pain in my chest and I was crying.  I was crying so much that I got headache.  My chest was aching and my body was hurting everywhere. I felt like I was drowning, tired effortlessly gasping for air.

I didn't know why I felt so affected but at that moment while I was lying on the ground it felt like all the missing pieces of the puzzle had been found.

It felt like the glass wall that I was brought up living behind of was slowly breaking with every tear that I shed.

I continued crying because I didn't understand why I had to be the one to find out. I felt heavier as my sobs reduced. Reducing only to soundless agony.

Part of me was hoping that someone would show up. Show up to hold me and tell me that I'm over thinking. Act as my reassurance in knowing that this wasn't real. That it was all just another nightmare.

But nobody came. No one showed up to my rescue.

So I sat up and wiped my tears. Feeling like everything wasn't the same again.

I realised that all my life I grew up behind glass. Masked away from the horrors of this world. And from then on nothing was the same again.

I saw that although someone can be relatively good, there's always room for evil to kick in.

I questioned the possiblity of there ever being a happy ending, and saw that fairytale's were all just beautiful lies.

I was young. But my innocence was taken away from me.

The world wasn't a wish granting factory anymore, the world just took what it wanted and gave back what you don't.

When I went downstairs I wanted to confront you. I really did.

But when I saw your face. I saw your smile. I just knew I couldn't.

I saw my big brother. The one who would never hurt me or anyone. The one who would never do that.

Convincing myself that I was only over thinking. That you would never do that. Your just too good to be able to do that.

Those were the words that I kept repeating themselves in my head. To the point that I believed them. Not thinking that even heroes make mistakes, and that villains can win sometimes.

So I sat next to you, and we watched cartoons, and everything felt normal.

But it wasn't.