Learning to let go : improved version

ONE

All my life, I have been subjected to stares and abominable, sentimental exclamations.

“You look so much like your mother!” “Oh Madelae, you’re so pretty, just like your mother!” “OMG. You look just like Aunt Alliyah, Maddy. I’m like, totally jealous.”

So it is really no surprise when my new tutor, who was once, I know, also a friend of my mum’s back way back when, opens her mouth and says, “Goodness! You remind me of someone; I can’t quite put my foot on it…”

I give her a thin smile. “Could it be… I don’t know, my mother?” My tone is a little sharp, but Ms Alaina doesn’t seem to notice. Her eyes widen a little and light up with joy at my comment. “Your last name is Morgan, isn’t it? Madelae Morgan?” I don’t reply to this, she’s not really asking me anyway, she knows my last name, she’s seen my report, its laying right smack in the centre of her desk.

Ms Alaina continues to talk to me, and I concentrate on keeping the fixed smile on my face. After all, there’s no harm in seeming polite, although God knows all I care about right now is getting out of here. “Yes, yes that’s it. My gosh, how much you look like her! The resemblance is almost… uncanny I-“She stops mid-sentence; I suppose the cold look I’m giving her has finally registered.

She covers her mouth with her hand and closes her eyes, having just remembered something. “Oh, Madelae I’m sorry, she, she passed away didn’t she?”

I roll my eyes, having grown tired of being polite. “Yes, she’s dead and buried. But life continues, doesn’t it Mariam?” I've used her first name.

Her jaw is slack, her mouth wide open. I have shocked and appalled her with my frankness and it wasn’t at all what she was expecting. What she was expecting was for me to be all torn up, cut into pieces, an unrecognisable mess, probably. Well, needless to say, I am not. I am composed, calm. It’s everyone else around me who are reckless messes. It’s embarrassing. Really it is.

“Hey Maddy” I incline my head to JJ as I exit the school gates and turn left towards Herald Hill. “JJ”

JJ is a neighbour, and a nosy one at that. I’ve lived next to her for a long time, and she likes to pop by the house a lot and stare at my dad while he’s not looking. Sometimes I turn around and catch her looking at me the same way. It’s weird and she’s creepy. I’ve been consistently urging dad to move us away from here, away from her but he refuses for reasons that elude me. It might have something to do with the fact that he’s not around a lot, doesn’t talk a lot and doesn’t care all that much about me. It could have something to do with that… But hey, I’m just a kid. What do I know?

“So, how are you? I hear you got a new tutor today – Ms Alay something?”

“Alaina” I correct. “5,2, short reddish brown hair, dark brown eyes, narrow face, Spanish.”

JJ nods her head. “Cool,” Is all she says and then “Hey, you like my hair?” I turn to look at her and blink a couple times. The first words that come to mind are “what the fuck did this crazy girl do to her head? “It’s…” I search for something more polite to say and fail. To be honest… I’ve got nothing, so I just go with stating the obvious. “Its blue” She grins in delight, like what I said was some amazing compliment she’s been waiting to hear all day. “Sexy, right? Leila said it was.” I raise an eyebrow and keep walking. “Leila?”

JJ moves in front of me, walking backward. She grins again. “My new girlfriend. You’ve seen her - hot blonde, nose ring, hazel contacts…”

JJ likes to tell me things and despite myself, I often listen. Mostly because the things she has to tell me are utterly ridiculous, and therefore highly amusing. I know it’s wrong, but I like secretly laughing at her stupidity. It’s fun, and I don’t get a lot of thrills these days. Except for, of course, my nightly Tuesday vampire fix that include me lapping up the mouth water that takes up a third of my mouth every time I look at Ian Somerhalder. For a guy in his thirties, I’ve got to tell you… he’s hot. But it has to be said, and I hate myself for noticing, but hot dude needs to cut his hair.

“HELLO! Brain still tick-tocking away in there?” JJ takes two fingers and nudges the side of my head. Irritated, I swat her hand away. “No,JJ.” I say, forever patient. “Clocks. Clocks tick-tock. Not brains. Anyway-” I snort. “Are you serious? I thought this whole lesbian thing was, and I quote ‘like, just a total phase” JJ frowns at me.

“Madelae Morgan…”

“Jessica Joani…” I mimic, and JJ stops walking, she looks hurt and I roll my eyes. Like I care.

“We’ve talked about this Maddy. I’m gay. Not bi, not confused, and certainly not straight. Gay. You know fucking well this isn’t a phase. I was, like,” JJ stops in front of me and I nearly tread on her flip-flops with my converse. “Born this way” She finishes and I look down at her, disgusted. “You got that from a leaflet.”

She flushes. “Your dad’s always got them lying around the house so… I took one” She admits. (My dad’s a therapist – ironic, isn’t it?)

“Thief” I call her.

She glares at me “Oh, whatever! And besides…” She purses her lips, becoming defensive “It’s true.”

I roll my eyes again. Why am I even talking to this girl? She’s a thief, and clearly confused OBVIOUSLY, she’s not okay in the head. Maybe that’s exactly why you’re talking to her. A small voice chides in my head. She’s sad and messed up just like you.

I ignore the weirdo voice and keep talking.

“Look, I’m just going by what you told me, okay Jude? The whole- ‘Maddy you’re my best friend I wouldn’t lie to you. I’m not a lesbian, I’m just looking for some fun’ speech you gave me, I partially believed. Now you’re telling me that not only are you a thief but also a LIAR because apparently, this isn’t just a phase-”

“It’s not!”

I shoot her a look, and she squirms under my gaze. “Look, I like Leila and-“

“And what? Last week you were with some guy called Ben, the week before that was a girl, God knows what her name was, and the week before that another guy. Say what you will, but regardless of whether you think you’re gay, bi, or straight, I’ll tell you something JJ, you are definitely confused.

JJ has stopped walking. I trudge past her and carry on up the hill, not caring whether she follows me or not. I don’t feel relief when she gives in and trudges up the stony hill after me, she lives right next to my house, so she’d have to follow me anyway. Regardless, I turn and stick out my tongue. She rolls her eyes at me. That’s good; it means we’re still on okay terms. Still dysfunctional acquaintances, if not ‘best mates’ like she claims we are.