I'm sitting on a sofa reading a book, its about two lovers who searched for themselves for 40 years, they were stranded on the other sides of a planet which was like earth but with these enchanting creatures that made it fun to imagine. The reason I like books is because of the imaginations, you keep on imagining different backgrounds every time you read and it's a fun thing to do.
Sia-reaper is playing on my phone, my head phones aren't here because I cut them the last time I got too emotional, I hate my mental breakdowns 😧(sigh), well someone said it made me special once, my friend in the 4th grade, its kinda like times get worst the older you get.
Hoo... no baby not today
Reaper
Reaper
Reaper...
I stand up on finishing chapter 3 of the book, they find a tree connected to different parts of the world and can see each other through the water beneath it and as they face away they both say "I'll find you". It's getting cute last chapter the guy almost died of thirst, he ended up in a desert at the start there's usually a good ending and when there's not it's almost always rational I think I'll write a book sooner or later and try to make something special but yet again it's just a story.
In real life stories basically don't exist, I'm a person who believes in dimensions so every story ever told I feel could have had better or worst endings kind of like "How they should have ended's" but in an infinit number of endings. Hey! I love this song, it's by Jon Bellion, 'kingdom come', keep listen as I stand straight and I can hear my back bones crackle, I'm developing an Illness from how cold it's been recently I always know before I fall sick but for some reason I don't tell anyone and wait for it get worst so I can feel helplessness, I like the feeling, it helps break some mental chains but then when it gets too noticeable I commit drug abuse then if that doesn't work I just wait for someone to notice and force me to go to the hospital.
I hate hospitals or used to at least until I met the people there when I had a chronic condition and had to stay at the hospital for a couple of days. Yeah the illness just kicked in and now I feel like shit...Shit. I'm boiling up so fast And the cold is even worst, I can barely stand because my head is pounding. I remember something I learnt from religion, it's that you fall sick when God wants to prove your soul doesn't belong to you and he has a good reason to try and proof that right about now. I've been shutting everyone out even the people I love the most and I shut him (God) out too, I'm tired very and I can imagine writing a book about a boy who had every illness known to man and struggles to make the people he loves smile...it made me smile a faint smile because I barely could already.
I know myself a lil and what I'm gonna do is let it get worst and then when I'm done with it I'll go try to get back to God but that barely works and the best scenario is it just leaves like it usually does besides all that I'm going to the hospital. I feel like vomitting. Now that I think about it, I really don't have time to be sick, I have a lot of shit on my plate right now and I need to do something that tried to kill me once not to get what I want this time but to find out if i don't want it.
I spot some panadol on the table In front of me and pop 3 of them. I'm 16 is that the right amount?. Soon I got the urge for something sweet so I stand up basically with my last bit of energy went down stiares to get Malt, its crowdy out, maybe it's the market day or something. I go to some shop in the corner and get a bottle of malt and One of pepsi, the last asked what was wrong with me and I said "just a small headache from watching t.v too much (with a smile)" she smirks and says "ahh okay" handing me the drinks, on my way back I bump into a friend, she's been my friend since I was 12 and recently she told me I should love because I'm always with a fake smile on my face, she knows she's my friend but she knows I only feel for her when i am meant to and they are all fake feelings and recently, her dad died in some crazy riot, that was about 3 weeks ago and I gave her what she needed, what we all needed at the time and that was space to get over the deaths of everyone and then the second week I began to help and that's when she told me "you have it all planed out don't you Nhur?" I quickly fake confusion even tho I didn't care much about what she meant but then she went on saying "you know exactly what I need and you just do it, it doesn't seem like you care about people, its like you just do what you are meant to".
This was true, I grew up getting emotionless, the more I grew up the less I cared, it was an adaption my brain had to take because I was born with some sort of over-evolved brain and I learnt quicker than a lot of people, but that doesn't mean I was good in school. See at first I was but then I started to notice my brain being different so I thought beyond school and beyond the stuff anyone on earth had learnt and then the only thing I cared about was space the actual space beyond the sky that emptiness, so big, so empty, it made me loose connection with the living that's probably why the smartest people through history ended up in the study of space, they felt beyond it all. I just studied patterns and they seemed always accurate in every space and every time so I shuned off pain, sadness and most other emotions even tho i still did laugh at time but I just laughed randomly when my mind goes to funny stuff and most people were like I was a weirdo but to be honest they just seemed like chess pieces.
Maybe I'll go into that more later.
My friend told me please, that I should feel for her, then I said I'm sorry, I only felt for one person and she knew who it was then she just stood up and left the room . We haven't talked since then. Now when I bumped into her she talks to me and says "are you all right?" I say yes as always but she told me I lie too much, I guess she has taken her time to study my patterns too. She walks me into my house and to the living room where I was reading the book, I rest my head on a small pillow and look at her sitting on the table In front of me and she asks me "How is she?" I told her I took a break from her then she says "you lied to her didn't you?" then I nod my head to signify a yes, then she says to me "you know it's funny Nhur, the only person you feel for and almost everything you've ever told her is a lie...but that's your way of sparing her isn't it?" I nod again and she says "well, if i were you I'd spare her to. You don't have quite good history" she pauses for a while and said "Remember when I met you?, We were already far gone people then weren't we? You were just 12 and I was 13, but you...you seemed to have figured everything out, you looked at me and it was like you were staring into my head then you just left me to do what I was sent to at your cost, that made me like you but now it feels like you just did that so we could get to this point, like you already saw us becoming friends and everything after that it's like you have all your emotions planned out. Yet now that i belief that I still can't stop liking you." I close my right eye with my right hand and the smile on my face disapared then she said "oh what are you planning now?" Then a tear comes down my left eye and she looks at me surprised but it fades in a couple of seconds then she told me she wasn't impressed and left.
I stood my after she left and started to hit my head with the wall and it made my head pound because I still had an head ache the reason why, is because she was right, I cannot feel all I did was just to make her feel better at that point and then I start laughing because it seems to pop up when I'm in immense pain then I stop.
Tommorow was meant to be the day I get back to the only person I still feel for, but I left off on a bad note with her because she started to look quite vulnerable, in other words she was too human. I don't get why people cut themselves, I tried it a couple of times but it always ended up not being worth it, I didn't feel much so I didn't have much of a reason to cut so i just made a synario In my head and tried to feel what other people did when they cut themselves and after getting a couple of scars on my arms and even legs I decided it wasn't the answer to helplessness, the last time I felt helpless I almost killed my self on trying to get what made me feel helpless, that was the girl, I was leaving everything behind to go find her but then I end up in jail with a gun pointed to my head, but I pulled a couple of cards and I was free to go. But after repeatedly almost killing my self because of the only person I felt for (who I've never even met) I started to get drifted back gradually to the world and I still couldn't feel much for anyone else but that one feeling drew me back to earth and to be honest it wasn't a decision I regretted, I loved feeling stupid because when I was with her all I could think of was how to do good by her and if that's not a definition of stupid I don't know what is.
Actually I felt for two people and both of them I've never met and I met this girl before the other one, the other one was much better, she wasn't vulnerable even tho she cut and she was always hiding things just like I was. I could remember this picture she had and there was a guy with like 9 knives in his back and he was facing a girl with a cut on her arm and she told him "you'll never understand my pain" and the guy kept hiding the knives and helped was all "sorry", that's a very accurate portray of a lot of things with me, only I actually like the pain, it makes me in some way feel better. I wanted the first girl more because I made her some promises I didn't want to break but yet again I've broken a lot of promises in my lifetime but the second I actually felt perfect, the first had always been so vulnerable but meeting this one it was like a soulmate thing, Maybe that's also for some later chapters and right now I'm back on the couch and I pick up the book and keep reading.
So yeah guys
This is some random story
From random stories
And I'll just write them when I'm bored cuz it's quite easy to write, damn 2k words that's a new record 😂
