Life is about choices and decisions from the second we breathe our first breath to our last. The time in between then determines who we are, how we lived, and who we made an impact on. In most cases, the person being impacted is of blood. The people we consider family are those who shape us into who we are along with our decisions. But this isn't a Disney story and parents are not perfect. They are scarred and scary and sometimes the biggest trial in life is becoming the exact opposite of who you're told to be.
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I was born with a metaphorical broken heart. From the second I came from my mother and into this dark world I was damaged goods. My biological father was a drunk with anger issues, and while my mother was full of love it wasn't enough to save me from the monster in my skin.
Along with his nose, hair, eyes, and chin, I inherited his need for destruction. We shared the same explosive temper and a short fuse. My first and last memory of him was when I was about three. I remember sitting on a floor with my older sister, from another father but same mother, facing a sliding glass door. In my hand, I was rolling a plastic fire truck on a white carpet when he came inside like a tornado.
His face was the color of the truck and to this day I hate the color red.
I can't recall what happened next but from what my sister told me it was a flurry of screaming and then he was gone.
But the ghost of the man I knew wasn't dead, haunted me. As a kid, I loved him and I couldn't understand where he went. My mother did her best to explain to me that he was gone but I couldn't make myself forget him.
The temper was my only connection I had with him and good lord did I hold onto it. I let myself blow up like dynamite at the smallest things. It wasn't until one day, when I was about thirteen, that I decided things had to change. Each day I saw myself becoming more and more like him and it made me sick.
So, despite the monster under my skin, I changed. Instead of blowing up, I controlled the explosion and diffused the bomb before it could go off. I limited my anger and that has made me into who I am today.
I am soft.
I am gentle.
I am kind.
I am myself.
Despite my DNA, I changed myself from a monster to the girl I am now. I shapeshifted into a person who loves not explodes. I have put him behind me and no longer do I look at strangers and look for my features on their face. The man who gave me life is nothing but a ghost who will never affect me again.
I am light.
