Dear Nathan

Dear Nathan, 

     How are you where you are? Every night I miss you, I hope you miss me too. I whisper 'I love you' yearning for a reply, but I know it's too much to ask for. I toss and turn every night finding it hard to sleep. I stare at your empty side that was once warm, now turned cold. Every morning I open my eyes wishing to see yours but I don't. Every time I cook- may it be breakfast, lunch, or dinner- I make an extra portion. Before, I would laugh it off and wonder about you but now I cry, still wondering about you. I would take a bath an brush my teeth, yet I cannot help but look at that blueblueblue toothbrush decorated with sharks. 

     I pass by that old cafe where Mrs Henderville is and I pay her a visit, hoping she won't ask about your whereabouts but she does. I tell her, she gets sad and I try my best to comfort her but we both know she liked you better. She asks the next time I visit and I answer her again, her reaction is the same but it gets worse every Sunday, you used to have tea with her, right? She has Alzheimers but of course you would know. You know almost everything that happens around you. Sometimes I wish I could be like her and just forget, but I think again, maybe I don't want to forget you, Nathan. Maybe if I had the chance, I would do it all over again. You know, even the glue in my hair, the letters in my locker, the tripping, the yanking on my hair and we can just call it bullying. Yet you also know, the good morning and good nights, the pancakes every Fridate, the Roses on random days, the picking up and taking home, the random things and the little things. And I think again, I don't want to be like Mrs Henderville, her eyes would brighten when she would ask about you and it breaks my heart to see it sadden everytime I tell her. Sometimes I would lie, she would be happy and give me a message that you should come over again. It breaks my heart to tell her everytime. 

     There is still that voice in my head and it tells me that I wasn't lying for her anymore. 

     How are you where you are? I hope you're fine, but I'm still not. Our friends are still coming by, to see if I'm well. At times it gets annoying yet I live with it because I cannot bear to be alone with my thoughts, you know how they are. Remember that time where you forced me to ditch AP history for ice cream just because I was sad? You would kill me now, but I stocked up on Ben and Jerry's and Chick Flicks. Let me remind you, you love them more than I do. 

     Speaking of the things you love, remember how you said you would love a Mini you or me? Well, cheers to us, because I have taken up the art of baking a bun in the oven. It is not fun at all and you know what they say that if you're expecting, you have this glow? I'm pretty sure they meant sweaty, that you have this sweating and gross vibe. Not glowing, Christ, I'm not a glow stick. I love you for the mini us, but then I hate you. I hate you for so many things and it hurts because I love you, more than you'll ever know,and I wish I showered you with a ton of 'I love you's' until you tape my mouth with duct tape. You know that reply? I still want to hear it. Not a memory, not as if it was the wind, not from a letter, not from a recording or from one of our friends and family. I want to hear it from you, in person. 

     They say I'll move on, that I have to accept it but I don't want to. You know I can hold a grudge for a long time and right now, you center one. I said I hate you up there ^, right? You want to know why? Well prepare yourself for a hormonal woman's wrath. 

     I hate you for leaving me with a ring on my finger but no wedding to follow. I hate you for leaving me with a piece of us (Even though I'll love the mini you, yes, it's a boy, I checked yesterday. I still hate you.) I hate you for going on earlier, when you promised me we'd leave so not one would miss the other and you broke that. I hate you for leaving me an empty house and taking away my home. I hate you for not seeing your messy hair next to me and not seeing those green eyes next to me when I wake up. I hate you for not being able to eat that extra portion I made. I hate you for leaving your side cold. I hate you for leaving me to face the whole wide world alone. It hurts to walk down the street knowing you're not beside me. I want to cry every time I see 500 Days of Summer or 50 First Dates because those were your faorites. And I don't cry because of the movie now, I cry because of all the memories we shared watching those movies. It breaks my heart to wake up on our special days because I would have to celebrate them alone. 

     I hate you for leaving me alone. 

  So let me ask, why? It's stupid, unreasonable and crazy but I know that, so call me stupid, unreasonable and cray for wanting an answer. Why did you leave?! You Promised! You promised you would not leave me, so why?! Why did you?! WHY!?! Do you want me to cry and scream out your name to the heavens?! Do you want me to spend how many nights crying over you?! Do you want me to look at all my pictures of you and cry there like an idiot?! They tell me, scold me and yell at me that it is bad for the baby and even you would, but did you want me to ask why all over again and again?! If you don't, then please. Please. PLEASE. Tell me why. TELL ME WHY. It is killing me, killing me, killing me not to know. If you want me to beg, kneel and say sorry or wreck my own image and pride, I would. I would humiliate and ruin myself if it meant the answer. I would do it all if it meant getting you back. 

  I'm still asking you why, even if I already know. You fought for me, the country and even if you didn't know yet, you fought for the future of the baby you somehow knew I had because you touched my tummy and whispered 'be good to mommy' even if I assumed you were joking around. But you weren't. 

    You fought for his future knowing you may not be in it. Nathan, he won't have his Dad at his first game or contest. He won't get to know the very man I fell in love with and the person who he would have as a father. He won't get to experiece getting scolded and cheered on by you. He won't get that father and son bonding time you always dreamed of. He won't get to experience many things with you and you with him. You won't get to see him cry for the first time, you won't get to see who he looks like, you won't get to see his developments, his first words, steps, hair, teeth, laugh, smile and his first birthday. You won't get to see so much. And add that to the reasons why I hate you too. 

     He may have Don, as you made him promise to look after us, but he won't have you. I won't have you. It hurts more than I can put into words, actions speak louder than words, and if you could have seen me, you might understand the pain I feel. In words, I could describe it as getting slowly tortured with knives, needles, heated iron and tortured by the means of starving, electrocuting, shooting, raping and abuse. And all that pain won't be enough. (Bad mental image, but almost good explanation.) When I first heard it, I went through denial and the routine. I couldn't accept it, Nathan. Even until now. When I did read the letter, it felt as if the happiness and positivity in me was slowly getting sucked out. It felt as if I lost all the reason left to live, until he came. You knew. YOU KNEW, and you still left. 

     Trying to push that all aside, I'll ask you once more. How are you where you are? Down here cannot and will not be and feel the same without you but I can only hope you're enjoying it there in Heaven. I heard the angels are gorgeous and the view from up there is spectacular, gorgeous and breath taking. From who? A little birdie told me once in a dream. 

     Greet my Nana and Pops there, will you? Tell them I love them and they have a great grandkid to come, I'm sure he'll be awesome. 

     When I started this, I was crying and I still am as I'm ending it and maybe I'll continue but I'll try to be happy. I can't tell you that I'll move on, it feels as if talking to one of my exes and I can't brand you as that, so who knows? Know that Nathan Princeton, I love you, I am in love with you for forever until the end of time, and time never stops. I'll love this mini us, I'll love our baby boy and I'll give him your name. He'll be called Talon Nathan Mallory-Princeton. You wanted that name, right? I love it too. 

     How is it in Heaven? Don't cause too much trouble. 

See you later,

Rose

P.S. Thank You. Thanks for everything and more.