i felt alive but i couldn't tell because you held me as if i was already dead

the thoughts/feelings

Oh- I'm still here?

My eyes were numb.. I've never kept them open for so long. I was finally 18. I had my full license and I was ready to take myself somewhere. I'm driving down on the freeway to Blair, Nebraska and anxiety just begun to pile up into me. I've been on the road for 12 hours? I've always been in love with the idea of meeting someone in another country..

Just knowing them for a period of time and then have that bittersweet but amazing need to know what their skin feels like, or how deep their eyes really seem and what their voice sounds like in my eardrums..

I don't know how to explain it but its euphoric, refreshing almost.. I had a package in the back seat of things I've always wanted to give this person.. I've known them for 5 years.. we were almost like pen pals.. but we got "close" at one point but we both knew that it would be too painful. At some points I forgot all about this person.. but whenever they came back...I'd latch on. They're a caring individual..
they have a mind of gold..
I valued it like gold anyways..
but I felt like dirt in some circumstances.

This place was extremely unfamiliar to me.. it was gorgeous. The grassland and the minimal cars made driving seem like a dream. I had a convertible, so naturally I took the roof off and the air was light. I could breath. It felt like I was driving though some really cliche movie, because the sun was setting, I started this journey at around 6 am, and it's currently 7 pm. The GPS said I'd be there by 9, but I did plan for this to be in the morning; I pulled into a motel and began to mentally prepare myself.

"Do I look good?"
"Is this what he'd expect?"
"Holy fuck, just snap out of it.."

I decided to take a walk outside. walking down the quiet road side, the stars were.. visible. In Toronto where it from it's impossible to see light due to light pollution. It was bright.. it was.. what I'd ever expect it to be. I could see the stars with my own eyes.. not though a screen or an artificial one made by lights.. that's a sun. One single star harbours an entire galaxy. The sky were filled with them.. so many planets. There must be something out there. I began to feel how lucky I am to breath, to see things. To realize how beautiful living is.
My heart began to swell.
My vision became blurry.
Tears began to fall.
Is this who I've grown to be? Chasing after something I can't find? Seeing something so beautiful but not having the ability to touch it?

Is this living?