i felt alive but i couldn't tell because you held me as if i was already dead

the preparation

I felt the weight on my shoulders.

I did this on a whim, knowing so much could go wrong. I told my mom that I'd be okay.. that I'd be "trying to find myself"..having to call her everyday have costed me a lot, like a fuck ton. About 300$ in overcharges, thank god I'm not paying for it.

Walking back to my motel room I began to think about all the times in high school.. where I'd just sit on my phone waiting for answer from this person; I adored them. I wouldn't pay attention in class just knowing that this person in another country wanted to talk to me.. I really treasured that. I was a stupid kid. I didn't understand it really. I just knew I felt affection for them and I pushed it forward.. I wanted to love you but I really didn't know how; and it didn't work out. I'm glad we still remained friends though. It's been so long.

On this road, a car passes every 15 minutes, sometimes 30 considering that it's around 1am, I really walked out far. I had to think about how this would've gone. I'm glad I can't get lost.. considering it's one flat road just like the roads about America in the books and movies. This place really isn't bad.

Ah, light! The motel is probably the only thing with lights for kilometres around here, wait this is America.. miles. Only thing with lights for miles.

I rushed in and took a really cold shower, yeah it was a shitty motel but at least I was able to take a shower and get a decent bed for 20$. After sitting in a car for 11 hours, the water felt so good on my skin, felt like it washed away all the cramps I normally got from sitting down for too long ...and the emotional frustration I had pent up for years.

I'm so nervous.

I got out of the shower and ran a towel on my skin to dry myself off, the roughness of the towels texture was a lot more.. rough. I could feel it more..anyways, put on the pyjamas I had in my bag and plopped myself on the bed. It felt so good. I set an alarm on my phone for 6 am.. I wanted to get there around 11. I went onto my messenger app and realized I haven't touched it in a couple of hours.. he was freaking out.

"Are you actually on your way?"

"You must be joking.."

"Answer me!"

"Haha, nope. Be patient."

I turned off my phone knowing that one single message that I sent will cost me about 5$ due to roaming charges haha.. fuck, my mom will kill me. Lying in bed in a different country made me feel sort of nostalgic to when I was a kid and went to South America to visit my grandmother one last time before she passed away 3 months after. It was a bitter sweet experience. I just hope no one has to die this time.

My eyes felt heavy as my thoughts drifted me away..

Im tired..