Have you ever felt, a sharp, searing pain in your gut? Something you’ve never felt before? I feel it every single day since the death, of my mom. Just a couple days after my parents separated, I went to visit her for a weekend visit. Sadly it was hung short, as I found her body dangling from the ceiling. A note at her footsteps saying ‘I'm sorry I did this to you Shawn’. After reading I burst into tears, crying, and shouting as loud as I could hoping that it’d bring her back. Sadly… It won't. As hours, grew to days, as days grew to months, to years. I spent crying over my gaming controller. Wishing the pain that started years ago, would just stop stabbing my heart.
I prepare my bag for school, as I awaken. I hate school every single second. I do not fit in, with those… Those people. Whatever, I guess I need that hell hole. “Shawn!” My dad calls for me so he can drive us to school. “Yeah, I'm coming!” I said as I grabbed my bag. Going down the stairs, I trip down the stairs. “Ah! Stupid step!” I weep to myself as I stumble down the damn broken step. I put in my shoes once I'm at the door. Too lazy to tie my shoes so I scrunch them into my shoes.
After we get in the car, and etcetera. We’re both exit the car. My father runs to his homeroom class. Well I just walk to homeroom. I slowly go by all the rushing teachers, them giving me a dirty glance. However I just walk carelessly, I don't care about detentions, late slips, or any type of consequence. While walking down to my locker, open it, and everything just falls all over the surface area of my locker vicinity, like a city dump site. I relieve a grunt of unsatisfactory.
After cleaning my locker dump, I go to the last two minutes of homeroom. Just walk in, while everyone just stares of discomfort. I head to my usual spot in the corner of the class. Though someone is occupying my place.
“Umm yeah that's, kinda my spot you see” I say with a rude sort of tone.
“Oh, my I am so sorry! I'm, new here” the odd new girl says.
“Believe me I can tell” once again with a rude tone
“I'm Lucy!” She puts out her hand for a shake, after replying.
“Yeah, I'm Shawn…” I awkwardly shake her tiny little hand.
“Anyways, I was wondering, if you could show me around during lunch?”
“Sure”
“Great!”
“Where you from initially?”
The bell rings for first period
“Oh, I'll tell you another time. See you at lunch!”
I skip my first two periods, and wait for lunch. Once the bell rings for lunch, I am at my locker waiting for Lucy's dumbass to meet me, so I can show her around. I check the time, great it's 12:30. I have to wait till lunch is over.
“Hey, Shawn!” Lucy screamed
“Shut-up” a silent pause for dramatic effect. “You are late”
“By what? three seconds?” He Said sarcastically
“Actually, thirty three seconds” I replied with a straight face
After my beautiful comment we set off. To show her around, the weird ass school, the lab, and well whatever else a school has.
Soon after I showed her around, we arrive back at where ever we met up.
“Hey, I was wondering.” She asked.
“Date no, hang I don't care.” I intruded.
“Umm ‘Kay, so Saturday?” She replies.
“Yeah, whatever…” I replied.
As the school week went on, Lucy, and I got a lot closer. The Saturday hangout turned into a very beautiful first date. There was champagne, and a well cooked steak dinner. Once we set off home, I drove her to her house. We had a nice spicy goodbye kiss once I saw her off. Then we had plans to see each other again on Sunday, for an actual couple hangout. Both our parents wouldn't be home for that set day, in the end it didn't matter where we hung out. However I did decide to meet her at her place, as I tried to be a gentlemen (very unlikely of me to do so.)
“Hey!” She says after giving me a kiss. “Come on in, make yourself at home!”
I sit down in her room, she sits on top of me. Rubbing her body all over mine. She's trying to stimulate my body, so well I try as well to do so. Though I stop. Pushing her body off of my own.
She glances at me angrily. “What the hell are you doing?!”
“I can't- can't do that with you Lucy. Anything like that!” I practically shouted it at her.
“Why, the heck not Shawn?” A battle cry of disappointment.
“It's just how I am!” A fortissimo reply.
“Fine, get out of my face!” She screams at my face. “We're done Shawn!”
As I gather my things, these thoughts jog through my mind. Of when my parents court cases, my father told me why didn't things work between the two. My mother, dirty little- no can't say that about my mother, god bless her soul. She slept with other men as if it was Tuesday night at bookies. After the jogging is done I leave, with a trail of tears down her walk way.
Once I get home, Lucy she texts me if we could “Get back together, and try today all over again”. I choose to ignore her texts, as seeing her or reading whatever, discomforts me strongly. All day long, text after text she writes the same shit again, and again. It is hurting me so much, my emotions feel fake. Or as if I'm my mother, the day my father left her.
All day long, from afternoon till dawn. Destroying me little, by little. To the point I step onto to a stool, rest my neck on a noose. Tighten as much as I could, then kick the goddamn stool away.
Sincerely Shawn Carter
P.S. sorry dad, I love you. I just can't handle the pain that you went through with mom.
Marcus, looks up from the sheet of paper. Then says “Now what I just read to you all, was my son's suicide note.” He states, and sniffles “Shawn wrote of this one day of school, the reason of his depression, and why he took his wonderful smile from us all. My son, my only son, and child. Tears fall down today.” Tears began to flow, as he adds “He was only seventeen, loved video games, and was scared to be my failed marriage.” Marcus says while sobbing.
On the tombstone it reads, Shawn Jeremy Carter. Son of Marcus George Carter. Born October 15 1999- October 14 2015.
Lucy days after the funeral went on antidepressants till she was thirty then killed herself from guilt.
Marcus lived to fifty, then died of cancer unfortunately.
