Not Alone - L.S.

Prolouge

H A R R Y

"w-why?.." louis stuttered. his delicate hands wrapped around my arm with so much care, as if the ugly limb was a prized glass antique.
he had broken tears running down his perfect face, tears that had no business there . tears that appeared because of my stupidity. all i wanted to do was take all the suffering away like i usually do cuz this beautiful angel didn't deserve the horrible feeling.
his blue eyes were puffy and sad as he gazed at me trying to meet my dull green orbs.
he looked confused scared and most of all, pained.
and honestly I can't see why he was so shook, it's my arms that had dozens of perfectly slashed cuts.
it was my blood that was coating the floor and the fabric of my dingy clothing.
I was my fucked up mind that thought this would be the only way.
not his.

it took me a moment to Collect my thoughts, but when I did I parted my lips and words fell out of my mouth, words that I wasn't expecting.

" dont look at me like that" I spoke averting my gaze to the wood tiled floor, my quiet voice breaking sightly. but I made no effort to correct my voice, cuz. it is what it is. . "I'm not crazy, nor stupid" I paused taking a breath. I fell to my muscles ease a bit as the fresh air entered my lungs. " and it wasn't to relieve pain, so don't ask that. I'm not a fucking fool, I know cutting doesn't relieve pain, but only adds on not just emotionally anymore, but physically.
it wasn't for attention, and it wasn't to make me feel better. I wasnt satisfied to see my dark blood drip of my arm onto the floor. it didn't bring a smile to my face seeing the ugly fresh cuts" I said still not meeting his desperate gaze, but still I could tell he was confused. and to be honest so was i.
" it was more of... an experiment- well that's how it started anyway. in my head I couldn't only see the what ifs.
honestly I don't hate myself, yet I don't love myself neither.
I just hate the circumstances im in. I hate how I live my life and how I ended up. Buy I don't.... Wanna d-die." I wasn't lying. I wanted to die at some point. But then Louis came. And actually as cheesy as it sounded. He saved me.

That's why I felt so guilty cuz i knew he'd feel as though it was his fault like he didn't make me feel loved enough. Like he failed. He really helped. And he had nothing to do with me.

It's just. Like an addiction. I can't stop.
"but I was confused young and broken when it started.
and I-i didn't mean to do it. I wanted to see if anyone would stop me. If anyone cared enough to stop me from hurting myself...
so I opened the door wide and I sat on my neatly made bed with my perfectly sharpened razor. I twirled the item in my hand a bit to pass time, and then i was stuck. Alone. With my thoughts. And that was the scariest moment i think, in my life.over and over i was thinking. ' what if i did this' 'would anyone miss me?' 'Would people cry at my funeral?'
honestly it started off with my selfishness. As always.
I wanted to know what would happen when and if I died."
I sighed deeply pausing to catch the tears that started to fall.
" I waited and waited. A slither of hope came back when I saw my adoptive mom walk by. She looked at me, briefly probably not even noticing what was going on. Or even cared. A-And she walked away.
She walked away from me.
I. . I didn't know how she didn't see the razor in my hands. I dont know how she didn't notice my broken expression. I cant see why she couldnt tell that I was broken in side. After a l l those years of abuse, neglect, and r-ra. .. you know. A part of me believed that she saw it. She saw everything. She was a therapist after all, she always saw right through me. But I think...m-maybe she just didn't want to deal with it. She didn't care enough to waist her precious time on the self harming boy. I think she was hoping for me to do it... and succeed in killing myself so her stress would be over. The burden would be gone. For good. Little did she know I never wanted to kill my self. Well at that time." I bit my lip looking down feeling my eyes burn with tears. I Just wanted to know who actually cared and loved me in this world. And I got my answer. No. Fucking. Body." My voice came out deep and hateful, and just.. angry.

I paused once again, but this time I let the tears fall. My heart felt bruised as if the smallest thing would break it for good.
" then my adoptive brother josh looked at me, saw the razor and smirked. He fucking smirked at me and said 'good luck' before walking away. I felt betrayed. Yea I knew he hated me but I thought at least he would see I was hurting and desperately screaming for help. For anyone to save me. I thought he would feel bad or maybe guilty and.... t-tell me not to do it. But he didn't.
No one saved me. No prince in shining armor came to sc-scoop me off my feet and away from my depressing life, because no one cared. I was and will forever be a-alone" I stuttered but then my features hardened trying to block out the emotion. "H-harry please... please don't shut me ou-" louis tried desperately knowing what I was doing, but I cut him off and continued. " so I did it. I cut myself. I watched as the blood fell onto my covers, staining the cotton fabric. I watched as the puddle of blood got larger, taking up most of the bed. and instead of relief I felt disgusted.
Not only was I hated, but I was weak. I had given up on myself. I had given in to the temptation of my mind. All though I didn't like it. I continued. I found myself making five new fresh cuts every night. Each an exact inch apart on top of each other. And two inches long. When my wrist started filling up I did the same on my thighs, then stomach." I sobbed, pinching the skin on my hand something I did often when I cried. I looked at my oddly perfected cuts. When I was done i couldn't bring myself to look louis in the eyes, Knowing he'll be dissapointed and most likely disgusted.
My expression remained hard as I blocked out louis sympathetic whimpers. Implying that he was crying. Again because of me.
I couldn't let my walks break again. I couldn't let louis in.... but I know deep down I already have.

" everyone of the cuts having a diffrent reason behind it. I hated what I was doing to myself, and I knew I needed to stop. For my benefit.
But I couldn't shake the feeling that this is what everyone wanted. I felt like everyone around me was watching me like a piece of glass.
As if that glass was falling in slow motion, as they sat and watched waiting for that inevitable moment were I hit rock bottom shattering into millions of shards, that were no longer able to be fixed.

I didn't want to die. I never did. My life might be shit but I never actually wanted to end it. Cuz I knew there was no turning back. If I actually die. I had a feeling there wasn't going to be anything but more emptiness, after though it didn't matter. After I didn't care what happened after I was gone. At least it stopped. The pain, it would've stopped, if I'd just- " I sighed heavily tugging on my curls.
" cutting was never to relieved pain. It was never my escape. I can't escape fate no matter how much I try. Cutting was a sign. Weirdly enough I felt it was a sign of hope. That one day someone would see them, and know how utterly broken I am, and save me. I hoped that someone would see that i was suffocating in my own depression and take the tine to genuinely ask me 'are you okay?' And really mean it. I want someone to notice when I smile it was forced, or when I said 'I'm fine' it was I lie. I want for them to hug me tight and say 'everything will be okay ' even if it wont. I could use a bit of encouragement. I want for once someone to see past the front I put out and fucking see that im slowly dying because of my own fucking thoughts! Thats all it would take. I dont need a big speech on how beautiful i am, or how loved i am, cuz i know its not true. I just need someone here for me.
But till this day that hadn't happened. No one has gave me a second glance when I'm silently pleading for help with my eyes. And it honestly hurts. And now I know that I can say confidently that I Harry styles am indeed alone"

When I was finished talking I mustered up the balls to look at Louis.

He was frozen, probably trying to think of the safest way to leave.

But then like he always did he opened his fucking mouth and shocked me.

" Well, I see. I see your broken and I'm here to tell you... Everything will be okay" his voice differing from his scared pained expression was strong.

And thats when I broke down.

It was loud, and painful.

But real.

. Then he said it.

"You're not alone"
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A/N: how bout it ehh?

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