I can't sleep I'm plagued with these images. These images won't leave my mind when I close my eyes I see them a constant reminder a tease keeping me up. I feel like I might go mad if it continues to happen night after night. I've always been bombarded with nightmares and ghoulish imagery especially when I was younger. When I was at the soft sweet age of 5 just started to remember things and learn I would lay awake at night my young dry and heavy eyes darting around in the dark to scared to even blink for fear of seeing this imagery. My nightmares all seemed the same I go to a fast food restaurant themed like McDonald's or one of the others I am then urged to go to the play place I get pushed in by eager children then it happens the restaurant is destroyed every one in the main area lay gruesomely maimed and murdered then I hear it a fast thump thump thump scrambling closer. I turn around and there it is the monster who did it it would take the form of a humanoid male I would feel intense fear I would run get cut by it while my nails screeched against the plastic in desperate hopes to go faster then I would die and I would stay in that state in pain for what felt like seconds but what I knew were hours. Then I would bolt up awake in extreme physical pain, my mental state in a temporary form of madness in hopes to survive to live but it fades away and would feel like a frightened child. It got to the point where I would lay awake for months only getting sleep after kindergarten for an hour. But then I grew up at 8 my nightmares became scarce, at 10 they stopped, and at 11 my dreams disappeared all together countless nights a blank empty void. Over the years funnily enough I grew to like knifes and guns among other things all for the reason as they are interesting and can start up a conversation when you have a replica of a well known item from a game or show. It's ironic though because knifes were almost always the creatures tool for harm. But now I see grotesque imagery, nightmare fuel, their are millions of ways to explain how it looks those are just two of the words that come to mind. I often find when doodling in class it turns out creepy almost as if I am drawing the monster that haunted me for many years. It seems to be how I draw almost always looking creepy but I fixed it so now my drawings look nicer I practiced hard and managed to find a way to make them look more like a nice person because I worked on eyebrow positioning and eye placement. I thought that my nightmares disappeared but now I realize I am not escaping them through lack of sleep I got used to them from seeing them every day monsters, demons, evil creatures they exist but not as what we believe them to be but as humans. We are constantly either doing things for our own interest or to get approval of others, then their are others disturbed angered fearful only seeing the monsters. That is what can result in robberies and muggings, madness and desperation something that constantly plagues us. We either withstand it's assault or we crumble and bend to its will. The creature as I have found out while writing this is not a monster but madness and insanity a plague in form to test our will to see if we will survive the madness hidden in the world or if we will fall and bring out the madness. It was to test if I was to grow up a mad man or if I will grow up a bad man because their is no good. An average person will do more bad then good wether it is judging someone or if it is bullying the odd child out we all do more bad than good because to solve a problem a problem must first be present. The creature was a test it was my test and the test continues in the real world. If I am being bullied do I use physical force or do I walk away all these things add to who I will become and I choose the better road even though I realized the uselessness of almost everything we do at a young age I continue to try to strive to do my best. These are the words that at one point went through my head. These words are a story a project to jot down what is on my mind but that's all this is done for now.
