Yes, I used to self harm. The key word there is USED, I have been clean for about two weeks. How it all started was:
I was at home and my phone starting ringing. I answered the phone and it was my best guy friend in the world. Not only was he was my best guy friend, but I have had a crush on him for the longest time. I happily picked up the phone, and he said the best six words I have always wanted to hear "Will you go out with me?" I immediate said yes. Later that day we hung out and it was great. Then three days later he called me and broke up with me. He didn't say why or anything. He hung up on me before I could ask him why. I call one of his best friends Junior and asked if he knew why. What he told me next not only broke my heart but broke me. He said "He only dated you was because it waa a bet, he had to date you for three days." I hung up the phone not believing what he said was true but I have know Junior for a long time and I knew he wouldn't lie to me about something like that.
I was already depressed, I have been since my grandma died of cancer when I was ten. This sent my depression spiraling out of control.
I couldn't help but think... the only reason he went out with me was for money. Am I really that bad that a guy will only go out with me for money.
Something inside me snapped that day. I didn't want to leave my room anymore, I didn't want to eat so I could lose weight. One day I was crying while doing my homework and my pencil broke. I used my little hand held sharpener to sharpen my pencil. Then I seen the blade, I have heard about people cutting themselves. I unscrewed the blade and held it in my hand. Then I brought the blade to my wrist and slide it across. I suddenly felt relief from everything, but I told myself that I was never going to do it again. That was the biggest lie I have ever told myself. I went from making a mark on my wrist once a week, to once every couple of days. To once a day, to twice a day until I was making ten marks a day. I have always been a really good student but my grades started to slip. I didn't want to talk to any of my friends because I had the fear that I would slip and tell them everything. I pulled myself away from everyone I love. Then I was walking down the hall with my head down trying not to attract attention to me. I accidentally ran into someone and I fell. A hand reached down and grabbed my wrist to pull me up. I gasped in pain and tears form in the corners of my eyes. The hand immediately let go, I stood up by myself and tried to walk away know I had to get away. But the person that I ran into wouldn't let me walk away. I finally got the courage to look up, it was a guy that I had a class with before his name is Brendan. I looked into his bright blue eyes and he asked "What happen?" I looked at the ground and he grabbed my hand and pulled me into the closest empty room.
He shut the door and grabbed my wrist, I yelp in pain as he pulled away. I keep looking at the ground as I felt him lift up my arm and pull my sleeve up. Tears silently rolled down my cheeks. I heard his gasp and he pulled my sleeve up. I felt so exposed, quickly I pulled away and pulled my sleeve down. I tried to leave the room but he grabbed my hand, I looked up at up at him and he said "I will help you." Once he said that I felt relief, everyday I would wake up and worry about finding clothes that will cover the marks that cover my arms.
I got the help that I needed, and I have been clean for about two weeks. Some days I am so happy that I have gone this long, but then all I want to do is make a mark. I know I'm not healthy yet but I'm getting there.
If you want to know I'm adding this part to let you know I made this for my own benfiet, but after writing this i went back to my old ways and i'm really disappointed in myself for doing that. It has now offically been three weeks since i have self harmed and im really proud of that.
Just thought you guys would like to know but i know no one will read this so its okay.
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Thanks for reading and I hope you guys never make the same mistake that I did. Now I have to wake up everyday with scars covering my arms and I hate myself for that but please I beg you don't make the same mistake I did.
