In The Mind's Eye

"When the Bronx Is Up and Your Battery's Down"

Introduction — As the title suggests, these fictional accounts of life experiences are about perceptions.  People in media and communication circles use the cliche "Perception is reality" to repesent the phenomenon.  

Part one:  "When The Bronx Is Up and Your Battery's Down"

    Warren never thought he might be a voyeur. Not ever. It muttered perversity, hidden motives, raincoats and humiliation. A little too abnormal for Warren.

    He was watching this week's talk show. The producers had selected sexual addiction.                       

The talk reminded Warren that he needed a drink.

He poured himself a Bombay over ice.

The show focused on this addiction with voyeurism as an example. The addiction expert talked about voyeurism as the singular manifestation of the sexually addictive personality. Those were his words. Warren shrugged off a tic of relevance. He looked at the panel of guests. They had been through therapy and had been freed. They smiled mirthlessly. Warren sipped some Bombay.

He thought of himself as an observer, but he wondered what they would think of him anyway.The host hadn't asked them that. About ambivalent or unconscious voyeurism. Warren investigated lives first hand, personally. He desired an intimate view, unobserved, from a distance, yet absolutely concerned and focused. Warren cared about people. He really did.From a distance. He could recall being that way as a child. But this was not an addiction. It was life. It made him feel good and safe. Like a child.

    The screen's digital blinked 3:23. He had to be at Consumer Enhancing, Inc's brainbash at 8:00.After work, he had to get the 6:00 train to be on time to his Applied Microlinguistics class at The New School.

    His recent lapse into self-absorption had been keeping him awake like this. Margrit, on the other hand, had discovered her own pace and moved more quickly. That made her sleep more peacefully, more deeply. Her Group had told her that it would, and it did. And that was all she needed. She smiled mirthlessly, too.

    One of the show's guests talked about having high levels of low self-esteem. The key was to avoid negativity. That triggered guilt and obsessive behavior. Like sexual addiction. Warren suspected his self-absorption had to do with low self-esteem as well as obsessive behavior. He had gone to college, so he could make some connections. But none of the guests was discussing the anxieties part. Warren always thought having anxieties was one of those givens he kept hearing about. Givens are important for connections, especially when you discuss things like self-esteem. He had made the connection, but they hadn't. In fact, Warren had recently concluded that his anxieties had been his guide through adult life.

    That's what first led him to take up the ad's teaser for the course on Applied Microlinguistics.He mentioned it to Margrit one day before she left for work, and she said it was something that would probably appeal to someone like him. So he enrolled. Margaret had also suggested some therapy, but Warren thought he'd try The New School first. The thought of applying the new technologese to the improbabilities inherent in language amused him. The experience also might give him an edge at work. That he could use. It would be an applied connection, sort of.

    But the New School jaunts had tweaked something quite unexpected. It came to mind amid the gin and the talk show. He had never connected his observing with anything aberrant. It also never seemed addictive. Perhaps that connection was a bit too visceral. The New School trips had made him feel invisible. It brought a lightness, an airiness to him that had never before accompanied his observing. Someone else might have called it a liberating experience. Warren wouldn't concede that much. He held liberation in very high esteem, sort of beyond reach.