Its like any other day, but its raining. Black clouds are covered the sky. Just like my life. Its been covered by black clouds now. I am confused, what to do. But i have to be determined. I have to be strong and patience.
Somehow covering my head with my umbrella, I reached home. She opens the door and look at me with the smile which clears her innocent nature. For a moment i was hesitate. I entered and open my shoes and socks aside and went to bathroom.
She came with the snacks and started to clean the bed where i put my coat and other cloths. She look at me for a minute and smiled at me and said, "khaa lijiye"
aah that two words i was yarn to listen after my hectic days. But its too late now. I have to tel her.
Like every day she took me to the dinning room and started serving my dinner. I look at her. Should i tell her or not that confusion lingering in my mind.
The moment she sat beside me, i gripped her hand in mine. Its not easy for me.
"Shalini i have to tell you something."
She look at me with calm eyes and full of love. I was still don't know how to tell her those things.
I should tell her that i don't want to be with her anymore. I want to tell her that i want break our happy marriage life after long 10 years. I have to tell her.
I gripped her hand more tightly and said looking down, "Shalini, I want a Divorce"
For few seconds, i didn't say anything neither she did. I look up to her. She was looking at me with many questions.
Suddenly i feel her hands are sliding out of my hand. "Why?" the only word came from her.
This is the only reason i don't want to tell her. But it should be done. I can't see the emotionless face of the very girl i married. For the very girl i look at our first night. The girl i first kissed. The girl who give me the happiness being a father.
Now she only uttered one word, why?' how could you Shalini. How could you be so calm after sensing the storm in our 10 yrs married life?
I ignore her question 'why' and my ignorance angered her. She throw all the things on the table. She shouted in her ever so loud voice "you are a coward!!!!"
That night we didn't talk a word with each other. But sleeping beside her I know she cried whole night. May be she tried to understand that why did I do that harsh treatment to her. I couldn't tell her, that fell in love with another woman. I feel like a criminal in front of her. And with that guilt i wrote my divorce letter and made her 40% shareholder of all my properties and my business.
I gave that letter to her next day. But her reaction shocked me. She tore the letter into million pieces and throws it to the dustbin.
"The person i married for 10 years. The person I spend my 10 yrs in one room one house, today i couldn't recognise him." She shouted in pain. At last she hugged me tight and broke down. That was what i expected and want badly. Today her cry feels different to me. Don't know why? But still i feel i won today.
Next day i come late. Entering the house i saw her sitting in the dining table and writing something. I didn't feel to eat anything. So went to my room an sleep.
Next morning, she handed me a letter and where she said,
'i don't want anything from you. Nothing, not a penny. Just give me this one month. In this one month we will be just like before. A normal happy couple. Cz after his one month Sourav have his final exams. I just want he didn't get affected by all this.'
I accepted her request. But she want some more thing from me. She remembered me that in the day of our marriage how i entered in our room for the first time having her in my arms. Shying and frightened little wife, with mane dreams of future. She want to live that dreams again. She wants to live that little bride's life again.
She requested me to take her in my arms everyday and walk till the door to drop her for office.
For a moment I thought she has gone mad, insane. But still i didn't bother and accepted as this is the last one month we have for our self with each other.
I told Riya about my wife's weird request. She with a lot of anger and disgust towards my wife she told, " karne do use jo arna hai, woh samajh rahi hai aisa karne se subha ka bhula sham ko lautega. Woh yeh nahi janti ke kuch panchi parijayi hote hai, woh nikalte hai kabhi na lautne ko.. She will have to give you divorce Ved.
[Let her do what ever she wants. she thinks doing this the person who has lost his way i morning will come back in evening, than her thought was absolutely wrong. She forgot that some birds are canary birds. They goes out never to return. She have to give you divorce]
From the day i cleared about our divorce to her we don't have any physical relationship.
The day i first took her in my arms, we both feeling uncomfortable. Sourav was clapping saying, "yyeehh, papa took mumma in his arms, papa loves mummi so much" I can't look in her eyes.
From bedroom to drawing room, and to drawing room to the gate i took her in my arms. She just closed her eyes and came near my ears and said, "Please don't let Sourav know about our Divorce." I left her at the door and both went to office.
Next day we booth behave normal. She kept her head on my chest. I can smell her hair. Nyle Jasmine shampoo. My favourite.She knew it.
Suddenly i fell, i didn't see this person from ages. I look at her. I saw how much older she looks. Her age impression is clear in her face and body. She have black thick hair with some raw seasoned hair.
For a moment i feel what have i done to her. I didn't tell all this to Riya. Never.
The more the days past the more i feel comfortable and pleasure taking her in my arms. An unknown happiness i feel to have her in my arms. May be i got habituated by then taking her in my arms.
One day i took my tea cup and entered in our room. She was searching cloths for wearing outside. She wears many but she didn't like all them. She sat with a sigh. "My all clothes are loosen, what should i wear??"
Then i realise, why i can easily take her in my arms. She got underweight in these years. Doing things for me, by caring me and Sourav , she forgot to care about herself. Again it gives a pang on my heart. It pained me deeply. She buried many of her pain from me inside her.
Without knowing i went to her and keep my palm on her head. On that moment my son come in the room and said, "Come on Papa, its time for u to take mumma in your arms. Come on take her. I want to see you both."
She ask Sourav to come near her and gripped him tight in her arms. For a moment there was an aching inside my heart. Just to gripped by her like that and melt in her arms. But i controlled. I look other side, as i feared that my decision will change.
After some time, i took her in my arms. Just like the day of our marriage. But she feel much lighter than that time. The day i first took her in my arms it felt difficult to walk some meter with her in my arms, but today...
Sourav went to school. I look at Shalini, she was locking the door. The moment she turns around i hugged her tight. Don't know why i hug her, but i feel i should hug her on that moment. "i didn't understand that this much passion and comfort i missed with you Shalini." Without let her say anything i went to office.
I took day off from my office and straight away went to Riya's house. With hurry i was climbing the stairs, fearing my mind will change.
The moment Riya opens the door i said, "Please forgive me Riya, i cant. I can't...give her divorce. She is my companion for 10 years; i can't let her fighting with this world alone."
She put herb hand on my forehead and say, "Ved, are your, are you feeling alright??" i took her hand and said, "i am fine Riya, but i cant leave her, i cant give her divorce. If you could please forgive me."
The moment the words left my mouth, Riya slapped me tight and close the door on my face. I can hear her painful cry from inside. I left the house immediately.
Returning to my house i saw a florist shop. I bought a some flowers for her and ask the shopkeeper to pack. He asked, "for whom sir?"
I proudly said, "For my life partner."
"is anything you want to write on the card sir?" he handed me the flower card.
I wrote down with a smile in my lips,
"I will take u in my arms every day...till my last breath."
That day i came home. Satisfied with my decision. With a peacefully happy smile.
But the moment i went to my room i saw her lying in the bed. I went to her. Keep my hand on her face and whispered, "i love you Shalini. Forgive me that i feel this so late." But the moment i keep my lips on her eye petals, i feel its cold. I took her hand. And feel its too cold slightly.
A fear slipped in my heart. I put my palm in her chest. There is no beating sound.
I put my head on her chest and try to hear, but failed.
I look up. My word are stuck in my mouth. What happened suddenly?? I was shocked i feel very gloomy.
I saw the bedside table. A file kept on it. And a letter. I took the letter.
It have only two lines, " I know one day you will come to me Ved, but it will be too late. I love you, you know that, but still your thought giving me divorce shattered me, so think of gather all those memories i cherish. Please read the file, you will know why i didn't care about the divorce."
Sourav ka khayal rakhna, woh baccha hai, apne aapko samhal nahi payega. Chalti hu. Apna khayal rakhna, or ho sake to mujhe yaad karna, may be as a beautiful memory" [ take care of salim, he is a child. He couldn't hold himself after this. Good bye. Take care of yourself. And if u could remember me. Just like a beautiful memory]
I took the file and the first two page broke me from inside. She had leukaemia. She never told me. Now I had nothing in my life.
our married life was disturbed, may be we didn't enjoy the simple small moments, that doesn't mean that I never loved her. The feeling that i think of giving divorce, now killing me. The day i married her i promised her to be with her till death. But i forget that promise. And god made me remind my promise by taking her away from me.
She knows about her disease. She know she will die soon. But never let us know. I remember the first day after announcing our divorce i take her in my arms she told me "Please don't let Sourav know about our Divorce" the words brings tears in my eyes. She knows that Sourav has exams. The mention of divorce may disturb his mental state of mind. If she die we didn't have to stay separate. She proved to Salim, that i was the best husband to her, best father to him who care for them.
Sudden thud sound made me conscious. I look up. Sourav came back from his tution. He look a me. I can tell he understands. The moment i saw tears in his eyes, i feel what i missed.
Big house, money, car, properties can make a environment to live but that never makes a man happy. I missed those happiness with my family.
Sourav came to me. His eyes full of tears. He is a child of mare 10 years. Our symbol of love. He went to her and keep his hand on hers. He look at her. I also look at her as i see we both gripped each of her hands. Her face has a beautiful glow as she could understand we are with her.
Sourav look at me, "papa kalse aap mujhe school leke jaaaoge?" [father, will you take me to my school from tomorrow??]
And that broke me. Broke me for the thought that there will be no mother for him to drop him to his school. There will be no teacher who will help him in his horrible mathematics formulas. There will be no house holder who will make our Tiffin wit lots of love and taste. There will be no wife who i can hug while i sleep. There will be no wife whom i can yarn to love her whole night. No wife to hold me in my ups and downs no companion to beside me as my support.
I don't know how come so many YEARNINGS came in me in ONE MOMENT. But its true the importance of her i understand after loosing her..
I broke down in the lap of my little son as i lose the lap of comfort for ever. Sourav make me put my head on his mother's chest and himself put his head on the other side. Then started crying.
I gripped her tightly crying. For the last time.
