Dear Diary,

^__^

Feelings.

So, kung binasa niyo yung comment section na may 500+ comments, alam niyo kung ano nangyayari right now.

Feeling ko, di ako gagaling eh. Oo, suicidal ako. Alam niyo namang lahat yun diba?

Well, not everyone. Di ko sinasabi sa mga "bes" ko suicidal thoughts ko. I just can't face it. And noong nangyari yung MAD incident ko, sinabi pa NIYA sa teacher namin. (Speak about private and personal space)

Kasi, yung mga other section, sinasabi na bakla ang BTS. Eh syempre, ako ang sarili ko, magagalit ako. Nagalit ako, tapos naging "WORRIED" yung "friends" ko. Noong okay na yun, sinabi naman NIYA kay TEACHER NAMIN MISMO, tapos alam mo ang mas-nakaka inis? Sa harap ko pa sinabi! Ang bastos!

Tapos sinabi pa kay teacher tungkol sa ASAWA-ASAWAHAN. Nakakahiya! Gusto ko nang patayin sarili ko noong sinabi niya! I just faked it with a smile! Tumawa lang ako! FAKE TAWA. Ughhh, nakakainis talaga!

Tapos may isa pang incident. Tungkol to sa pagiinis ulit.

Si "nay" at ako kasi, nagkukulitan. Tapos noong nagjoke ako, sabi nya "Should I laugh, Lei?" Nakakainis! Kung nagajoke nga sila, nagafake laugh nalang ako para di sila masaktan! Nakakainis, KAYA GUSTO KONG MAMATAY EH.

Tapos may situation pa ako ngayun! Yung "kapatid" ko na "bes" ko, nagalit sakin! E bakit siya galit, eh siya naman yung hingi suportado!? Kung suportado ka, bakit ka ganyan!? Kilala mo naman ako eh! Pero pinatunayan mong hindi mo ako kilala! Kung kilala mo ako, dapat nanglait ka ren sakanya! Lagi ka naman ganyan eh! "Mabait ako" "Ayoko" "Hala baka ano ano..." "Hala ang sama". Mabait my ass, IKAW NA. ANG GALING MO TALAGA.

Tapos yang mga FAKE ARMY dyan! Shoutout lang!

Di kayo makaka-relate, noh? Kasi di niyo pa nararanasan mga pinag-daanan ko.

Kung pwede lang, ililista ko mga problema ko! Alam ko sasabihin niyo. "Book mo to, edi ilista mo!" Sige, ililista ko, KASI BAKA MAY MANGLAIT NANAMAN SAKIN DIYAN EH.

1) Fake Friends. Not everyone, pero kung kelan lang ako kailangan ng tulong. Hindi ba pwedeng LAGI-LAGI?

2) Lies. Ang daming mga kunwari  dyan, mga plastic. Nakakainis.

3) Etc. Kung di niyo alam, ayaw kong maging deep into personal stuff.

Maybe, I'm too imperfect. Di ako marunong kumanta, di ako marunong sumayaw, di ako marunong magdrawing, di ako matalino, at di ako maganda. Ano pa ba ang silbi ko para mabuhay? Ang ginagawa ko lang sa buhay ko ay magbabad sa cellphone, kumain, magaral, repeat.

(upper part was written last night)

Practice naman namin ngayun. Tapos  ayan nanaman sila! TSKK, ANO BA GINAGAWA KO? Nananahimik ako, tapos pinapahiya nanaman ako!

Ano, Irha? Oo, asawa ko siya, bla bla bla😑

Inis lang talaga ako rn. Tao rin ako. May buhay rin ako. May feelings ren ako.

Basta kasi masigla ako sa mga chapters ay ibig sabihin ay masaya ako.

Tapos kung SAD, GALIT, at IGNORANT ako, ano sasabihin nila? "Huy si Lei, haha, galit." Ano!? Galit na nga, inaasar niyo pa!

Tapos naman yang Jasmin na yan! Pabait bait pa, SUMBONGERA at PIKUNIN naman -__-

Nakakahiya na PINAPAKITA ko sa ibang tao 'to. Pero kailangan diba? Dear Diary, published version.

A smile can hide everything..

Translation:

So, If you read the comment which had 500+ comments, you will know what is happening right now.

I feel like I can't be cured anymore. Yes, I'm suicidal. You all know that, right?

Well, not everyone. I don't tell my "best friends" about my suicidal thoughts. I just can't face it. And when my MAD incident happened, SHE told our teacher about it. (Speak about private and personal space)

(Talking about the incident)

Because, what happened was, the other section is calling BTS gay. Well, me being me, of course I got mad. I went mad, and that was the only time my "friends" got "worried". After that, my "friend" told our teacher about it, and you know what's worse? She told our teacher about it INFRONT of my face! So disrespectful!

She also told our teacher about the husband thing! Embarassing! I really want to die because of everything she is saying! I just faked it with a smile! I just laughed! FAKE LAUGH. Ughhhh, so irritating!

And then there's this other incident. The subject is still about being irritated.

Me and my "mother" was playing around.  And then, I started making a joke. What she replied with? "Should I laugh, Lei?" Irritating! If they joke, I always fake laugh so that they won't be embarrased, and this is what I get!? Irritating, THAT'S WHY I WANT TO DIE.

And I have this situation right now! My "sister" and "best friend" became mad at me! Why is she mad if she's the one who is not supporting me? If you're supporting me, why are you like that? You know me that much already! But hey, you just made it clear that you don't know me! If you know me, you should've made fun of her too! You're always like that! "I'm nice.." "I don't want to" "No, maybe..." "Oh no, don't, so evil.." Nice my ass. Then you are the one who is nice! You're so talented!

Shoutout to all the fake ARMYs! Just doing a shoutout!

You can't relate, can you? Because you haven't been to any of my situations.

If it's ok, I will list down all my problems. I know what you're all gonna say. "it's your book, then write it!" ok, I will list it all, I DON'T WANT SOMEONE TO GIVE ME THAT TONE AGAIN.

1) Fake Friends. Not everyone, but some always just comes to me whenever I really need help. Can't you be there everytime?

2) Lies. There's so many fake people out there. Plastics.

3) Etc. You all know I don't want to talk about personal stuff and be deep with it.

Maybe I'm too imperfect to be human. I don't know how to sing, dance, draw, I'm dumb, and I'm not beautiful. What's my reason to live anyways? All I do in my life is glue to my cellphone, eat, study, repeat.

(Upper part was written last night)

It's our practice today, and you know what happened? I was being quiet and peaceful when there's someone to embarass me again!

What now, Irha?😑 Yes, he's my husband, bla bla bla..

I'm just very irritated rn. I'm human too. I have a life too. I have feelings too.

Just because I'm happy on chapters doesn't mean I'm really happy myself.

And when I get SAD, MAD, or IGNORANT, what will they say? "Hey look, Lei's mad!" What? I'm already mad and you still tease me!?

And then there's Jasmin! She always acts NICE, but she's just covering up all her GOSSIPING and BEING MAD EASILY attitudes.

It's embarassing to share this, huh? But I have to, this is Dear Diary The Published Version after all.

“A SMILE CAN HIDE EVERYTHING.”

••