Breakdowns and Let-downs

July~31~2017 2:08 AM

I know it sounds dumb coming from a 14 year old, but I am genuinely lost. I have no idea what I'm doing with anything in my life right now. I don't have a boyfriend, i only have 3 friends, and everyone else hates me. Yes, i understand that i don't need a boyfriend or a lot of friends, but all i want is to know that more than 3 people care for me. some of you might be saying "your parents love you, your siblings love you.." but they really don't. I'm my parents' least favorite child out of three, my sibling have never once said "I love you." My brother has blackmailed me to the point that everyone at school thinks of me at the bitch who is worse that her brother. But honestly, I'm okay with that. If everyone thinks i'm horrible, then i will be the worst person they have ever met. I know it sounds soulless, but i was bullied like all hell when i got glasses in second grade. I stopped wearing glasses in sixth grade and switched to contacts. though i wasn't bullied when i moved to my third(and last so far) school, i still wasn't confident in my glasses. I started wearing them again in seventh grade. once i got social medias like Snapchat and Instagram, the same people who bullied me from second to fourth grade were telling me how great I looked in glasses. The guys who bullied me started asking for nudes, with me rejecting. All of the girls suddenly wanted to be my friends. but i decided that i didn't need their validation to feel good about myself. I realized that the only person i needed validation from was myself(cheesy, ik).

In maybe late November, i started talking to this guy (we'll call him Nick), he seemed really sweet. pretty soon we were talking and facetiming everyday. i eventually grew feelings for him, so i tried dropping a major hint with the basic 11:11 thing and just put a simple "him" with a heart. he replied to my story asking who it was that i was referring to. I told him to guess, thinking he would guess it right away. It took him quite a few guesses, but eventually he got it. I simply replied with "yeah..." then he left me on opened for like a month. and me being the emotional wreck that i already was, cried for that month and got so happy when he snapped me one day, only to be lat down once again with is just being something he also put on his story. I didn't respond, telling myself that i was over him, and that I had to move on. But I wasn't. I tried to get over him by talking to other guys, but it just wouldn't work. I live in Utah(google it if you have no idea where that is), so every guy is either Mormon, or a major asshole(or both if you're lucky). so i had a hard time finding anyone. so I, stupidly, went back to him. we started talking again, then he left me on opened with no intention of replying any time soon. then i texted him once again. He later asked if i would ever date hum, i told him yes(duh) ant he asked me to rate him(*eyeroll*)(10/10 btw) then he left me on opened. to this day, I haven't given in and texted him. which kinda makes me sad because he was the one person i told everything to, he was the one I went to with all of my problems. he was like my best friend. also, it has only been like a week since our last conversation, but I'm too afraid of what hes going to say. hes moved in with himself since, he has a new car, and shit like that(he's sixteen btw). I just haven't moved on from him yet.

Off the topic from him, while i was trying to get over him, I reconnected with a kid I went to school with(bad decision). We'll call him max. i had always had a crush on him, from preschool to fourth grade. he was a really cute kid, the he got really fucking hot. we started texting, and snapchatting. he started telling me that he wanted to fuck me and shit like that. i felt uncomfortable with him saying things like that to me so i asked him to stop, then he stopped talking to me for like a week. then the starts talking to me again, and he asked for nudes, I declined, having self-respect. I don't think he knew at the time that his best friend was my cousin, but according to my cousin, their other friends and Max were trying to see how many nudes they could get in under an hour. it genuinely disgusts me to see how guys these days have no respect for girls.

Now, I'm going to end it here, because I'm tired and my fingers are cramping up. I know there are spelling and grammar errors, but I'll work on those later.

Finished at 3: 06 AM