You picked at what I had left of my ego like a vulture; Scavenging for any and all scraps to better feed yourself. Your entire being, sustained by bits and pieces of other people; your self-esteem, a jigsaw puzzle of odds and ends you found along the way.
Before you, I never feared the hairpin change of emotion. Never quite grasped how one word could push someone too far and award me a star of red fingerprints to wear on my cheek like some badge of honor. I was never prepared for the hurricane of emotions. Didn't have a bunker to hide away in, to ride the storm out. My life became one big "I'm sorry".
Don't get me wrong, before you, I was surrounded by an infinite darkness, draining any light that dared step foot in my doorway. The monster that hid under my bed swallowed laughter; just as you always thought it would. The dark hid horrors I never wanted to see. I didn't dare check the closet. For a fear of the bones inside. Bones of my past selves that have been used up. Thrown away. Forgotten. The closet, a mountain; Even one small movement could cause an avalanche. Emotions and feelings rushing out all at once.
You had this way of making me feel like a prize to be won. A small, perfectly sculpted trophy you'd set up on a shelf for everyone to see. I rode on a pedestal when I was with you; higher than everyone else. I wasn't prepared for the storm rolling in.
It wasn't always like this, I wasn't afraid of getting out of bed. Terrified that my bed would restrain me, pull me in, keep me close. My bed, a prison. Your bed was my safe haven. I sought refuge in your arms. The same ones that made my body your canvas. Skin painted black and blue. Tinges of purple, green, yellow. Covered up with justifications: "He didn't mean it", "I fell". Lies, windows of transparent excuses. Windows that nobody cared enough to throw a rock through, causing reality to shatter around us.
I was familiar with this, as you knew. Predisposed to walking a tightrope of wondering when I'd be good enough. You took full advantage of the lack of self-esteem, built yourself up, all the while, knocking me down.
For years I stuck with the same "he didn't mean it"
I know now that you meant it all.
