My Online Journal

Regret

I am someone who holds a lot of regret.
From wishing I said something to wishing I didn't.
Really wishing that I didn't. Really really wishing that I didn't.
I am also an over thinker.
I over think certain situations with certain people to the smallest of detail and picking apart everything that could've been.
That doesn't make sense unless you also know that I have spent years perfecting the best of me so I could be likable. Even though I always knew that I can't please everyone, I still want to please certain people.
At least impress them.
Like for example, there was this guy I met a bit more than a year ago that I just craved to impress in some kind of way. But, I'd also do somethings to alter that view of me to that particular person which kills me because I also have worked hard on keeping myself a certain way to everybody individually so I can control how they see me as a person.
So, I could tell when I'd mess up.
I could just feel it.
And that sucks.
I also have been pondering on how much I've actually messed it up for that particular guy and I absolutely hate it. I wish I could redo it all so I could appeal to that guy.
But it's weird because I don't want to be in an relationship with him, I just want to impress him in a way that he hasn't been by a person.
Even though I may never talk to him again.
God I hate it so much.
But, maybe it's a good thing. Maybe one day he'll talk to me down the line and be like "Oh wow you've changed a lot, in a good way" and I'd be like "Oh thanks I appreciate that"
But it probably won't happen.
Plus, I know what kind of person he is, which isn't always pleasant.
Sure, he may be appealing when with a lot of people, but that's because that isn't his true self.
I've seen his true self and I have mixed feelings about it.
I know that I'm too "emotional" for his person, even though I'd never describe myself as emotional. That just doesn't fit me.
I don't think he even liked me in the first place, which bothers me a lot yet it also doesn't. And that bothers me a lot as well.
I know he'll never read this, partly because I'm one account of M A N Y on wattpad and surly he wouldn't be able to piece together that it's lil 'ol me talking about him and that he wouldn't really care to give me the time of day to actually talk to me since he'll never see me again.
But, if you are reading this, and think it's you
Please ask me.
And if I read it and not respond, I'm probably screaming in a corner lol
Anyways, that's my first lil thing
Bye