new york city

4 | positive and negative reinforcement

"JUST KIDDING. WHY WOULD SOMEONE  LIKE HIM MARRY YOU?"

   Anne frowned slightly, unsure as to whether she should be upset or enthused, but chose to remain confused, since that seemed to be a constant emotion in her life. Her manager was cackling madly in her seat beside Oliver, as though she had made the funniest joke of her life. Oliver looked incredibly uncomfortable and Anne smirked. Karma, asshole.

   "But, I would appreciate if you two dated or remained mutual friends who may or may not be secretly in love with each other," her manager stated, sobering up a bit. Anne could only think about how she needed a new manager. 

   "I think we'll just stay mutual friends who are not secretly or publicly in love with each other, thank you very much. Are we done here? I left my two friends alone at home and I don't have the time to clean every corner of the house after they're done with their business." Oliver snorted and smirked, before winking at Anne who just stared back at him impassively. 

    Her manager rolled her eyes before waving Anne away with one hand and facing Oliver again, probably flirting with him seeing as he sat back in his chair and put his hands behind his head, tensing his arms. Anne quickly stood and left the building, making her way down the stairs. By the time she got to her car, she was panting heavily and did not have the patience for the few paps standing by her car.

    What time was dinner again?

   Turns out it was at seven.

   She had taken a detour home, stopping for groceries, then gas, then ice-cream at the park before heading home at 5 five-thirty. By the time she had got back, Henry had gone to his hotel and Ava was napping on the couch. When the door shut behind Anne, Ava jumped awake, squinting at Anne who looked cautious.

    "Why are you so late? Did the meeting go this long, or did you just wander for two hours?"

    "Option two," Anne replied before dropping the bags on the couch and handing an ice-cream cone to Ava, who took it gratefully. Anne started to put the groceries away, rubbing her eyes every now-and-then to get the exhaustion out. "When did Harry leave?"

   "Not long after you. He had an appointment with someone. He just finished his coffee and left." Ava finished her cone quickly, and helped Anne with the groceries. Bucky had strut down the stairs at some point to greet Anne, leaping onto the counter and meowing loudly.

   "Hey, Buckaroo. How was your day?" Anne asked over her shoulder, shoving the ice-cream into the freezer. Bucky meowed in response, eliciting a small smile from the raven-haired girl. Ava went back to the couch, laying down face-down. Anne headed upstairs, changing into something a bit more comfortable and sitting at her desk, twirling her pen, bored.

   Bucky pawed at her seat, asking to be picked up and Anne relented, placing the cat in her lap. Her mind wandered, going to random places and opening tightly closed doors. This is not the time. Please don't do this now.

     Flashback

    "I'm telling you I want you to listen to what I have to say! Stop interrupting me!"

   13 year-old Anne listened to the fight happening in the living room from her brother's room, her heart feeling uncomfortable and hands twitching. Her brother sat in front of her on the floor across the foldable table, looking at her carefully.

   "You okay?" he asked, his eyes concerned, and his hands were folded on the table calmly. Anne could see it though. He was upset, nervous. He was trying to hide it though. For her. She needed to be strong for him as well. She wasn't going to cry.

   "I think so." He hummed, cracking his knuckles and looking at her, lips pursed. He sighed, and Anne looked away, her heart beating anxiously, a few words from the fight filtering through the closed door and to her ears.

   "I know this isn't pleasant," her brother started. He hummed again, searching for the right words to say to console the girl in front of him. "but they have to talk about this. Whether it's through shouting, or a civil conversation, it has to happen. They've been bottling up this conversation for years."

   'Because of me,' Anne thought, feeling uncomfortable tears welling up. She didn't want to cry.

   "Dad, has this thing about him. He has this state of mind where everything is a competition. And he is always right, or he always wins. That's his motto, ya know? You have to win to survive. And, hmm, I personally don't think it's a particularly good mindset, because it's okay to be wrong. No one's perfect, we all make mistakes. He thinks that in order to live, you need to be the best. But, I don't think that. I think that it's okay to be good at a lot of things, but not perfect."

   Anne nodded, not wanting to speak or interrupt her brother. She looked up to him, so much. Maybe even more than her dad. She and her dad didn't particularly have the best relationship.

   "You know, in psychology, there's this thing called positive and negative reinforcement. Uh, an example of this is, let's say a kid came home with a B+. Which is okay. It's actually quite good. In college it's hard to get good grades. Anyway, positive reinforcement is when the parents would say, 'Hey, good job! You got a B+. Let's try for an A next time. I know it can be hard, so just try. Maybe, if you get an A, we can go out for dinner and I'll give you a raise in your allowance.'"

    Anne nodded. Both her brothers were interested in psychology, and to be truthful, so was she, so it was interesting to learn about this. And she knew exactly where this was going.

    "Now, in our family, we never really, you know, received allowance, but it's just an example. Now negative reinforcement would be saying, 'You got a B+? What the heck? My kids only get A's. You don't get your phone back 'till your grade goes up.' In our family, that's what it was like. Maybe not taking our phones, but you get what I'm saying. Dad always expected the best. Even if we got an A, he would expect an A+. And if we got an A+, he would say, 'Of course. What else would you get?'.

    Now, positive reinforcement makes the kid want to do better. Because they expect a reward. Negative reinforcement has the kid think they need to do better. They only do better to avoid punishment. Dad thinks that being positive is dumb, because positive things won't always happen. I don't think that. I think that having hope and being optimistic is good, being it has you wanting to do better.

   I realize now that Mark and I are also guilty of this. Like, the time you got straight AEE's and you were shouting about it the second we got home. We were just like, 'So? Of course you did.' And I'm sorry. I realize we weren't much better than dad was.

   The reason I'm telling you this is because I see a bit of this in you. I see that competitiveness with yourself where you put so much stress on yourself that you start to self-destruct. Remember the time Mark and I talked about your anxiety? It wasn't diagnosed by a doctor, I know, but we're pretty sure. You put so much stress and worry onto yourself that you can't really, you know, get a grip."

    Anne nodded. She did know. She had little episodes whenever her huge project wasn't working out, or a big event was the next day and she had no idea how the schedule was. It was nerve-wracking.

   "I know you don't like how dad's acting, and I just want you to realize that you may be a lot more similar to him than you think. And if you don't want to be like him, try to relax, let go and calm down. Things won't always go your way, and that's okay, 'cause it's normal. Now, do you think they're done? We should study while we wait."

   Flashback Over

       "Anne?! It's time to go the neighbors'!"

 
    ~Sarah