bridge to your tears『 jikook 』

bridge to your tears

This one's dedicated to,

Caroline

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This story contains scenes that may be triggering for some readers.

Read at your own risk.

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I have great news to tell, Jimin.

I've finally found my answer to your question.

All my life, I've always felt as though there was something missing in my life; a tiny, empty space I never knew what for, at least, until I met you.

I can still remember that day so vividly as if it merely happened yesterday. I was at the bridge of Canyon Sainte-Anne of Québec, the sun was almost setting and the clouds in the sky were pink and alive. And though I thought the sky screamed at me, telling me not to do it — not let everything go — I still felt all alone.

I remember hating myself so much, to the point that I simply didn't want to exist anymore. I tried telling my parents how I felt, but they told me it was just a "phase". I never had many friends, so I couldn't talk to anyone about it. I couldn't remember the last time I smiled sincerely anymore, nor the last time I laughed with all my heart. I truly wanted to just tear myself apart. After all, if I continued feeling nothing, would I have still been considered a living thing?

And so I ran to that bridge which anyone rarely even crossed in the middle of the night. It was my favourite hiding place, where I spent most of my time when my parents were fighting, when I had a rough time at school or when I just felt like drowning myself in the silence.

Whenever I was on that bridge, I felt like being alone wasn't so bad. After all, there was no one to tell me to try and pretend to be someone else. Somehow, I found contentment in my own solitude.

But then I saw you there. You were crying with your face in your trembling hands, your arms on your knees as you sat in the biting cold. You didn't look at me. It's as if you hadn't even noticed my presence at all. I wasn't bothered by that fact; however, I felt a strange sense of possession as if the bridge belonged to me and only me. I found it vexing how your presence was a hindrance to my plans. Then I decided I didn't care. It was then or never.

I remember walking closer to the edge of the bridge and attempting to jump over it, but then you shouted and asked me what I was planning to do as if you actually cared. Why would you? When you didn't know me at all? Although now that I think about it, if a man tried to kill himself right in front of me, I would've done the same. Still, I despised you the very moment I heard your voice.

"Don't!" You said. "What on earth are you trying to do?"

"Isn't it obvious yet?" I answered, not daring to look into those eyes I knew would make me hesitate. We both knew what I had planned, what we both came to do. After all, what would you be doing there?

You planned to do the same thing as me.

Maybe it just infuriated you that I had the guts to try and do it first.

After a long string of silence, you finally said, "Yes, but why?"

"I want to die," I simply answered.