Night Children

29

I made another paper clip soldier.

It was an escape, I guess, to be able to focus on the bending of the metal between my fingers, to be able to think about nothing else but avoiding pricking myself. My brain, normally wandering without bounds, was now condemned to one, stagnant realm, and I was okay with that for once. If I didn't think, it couldn't hurt. It was like sleeping; I couldn't feel anything. Nothing could touch me.

I named the little metal man Joey and added him to my army. He stood right there beside Captain Ricardo, the gun I'd made for him steady in his miniature hands. I sighed then, wishing I could be like them. They were still and strong, and nothing ever changed for them. They could go about their lives without wondering if they'd ever been lied to.

And I hated that I did, but I cried.

I did not want to cry. I despised crying. Yet, tears had an annoying habit of showing up when you didn't want them to. I sniffled, swiping them away, trying to calm myself down. There was no sense in any of this. Crying, feeling sorry for myself, was not going to fix anything. It wasn't going to bring my ability to change back, and it certainly wasn't going to locate Nell.

"Theo?"

I sniffled again at the sound of Cal's voice at the other side of the door, drying the last of my tears. I waited until my voice didn't sound croaky anymore to reply: "It's okay, Cal. I'm fine. You should go home, since Richie will probably we waiting for you."

"Richie promised me he wouldn't eat anyone," she called back. "He can handle himself."

I started to ask why she'd believed him, but decided not to. Instead, I dragged myself to my feet, placing a hand on the doorknob. I hesitated for a moment, thinking I might feel better if I was just alone for a moment. In the end, though, I didn't want to hurt Cal by pushing her away.

So I sighed, and opened the door.

Cal stood there for a moment, her expression pensive, dark eyes wide and filled with empathy. Then she bit at her lip and stepped forward, practically ramming her head into my chest and wrapping her arms around me. I was so

taken aback by the abruptness of it all that it took me a second to return the gesture. For a second, I just kind of looked at her, her head of black curls against my shoulder, her arms holding on to me so adamantly.

When she felt my own arms close around her, she softened a little. "I'm so sorry," she said. "I'm so sorry. I never thought—"

"I don't care," I lied. "It doesn't matter in the end, because I still can't change. Doesn't matter if I was born this way or not, because I still ended up here, the way I am now."

Cal's arms slid up to my shoulders, her fingers interlocking around the back of my neck. She looked up at me, my own pain mirrored in her expression. In a sense, it was appalling, how after everything other people had done to her, she'd never forgotten how to feel, how to love. "But Theo, your family..."

"Lied to me?" I finished, and Cal's eyes slid away from mine, only for a moment. "Yeah, I know. I should feel something, I should—but right now? Right now I just need to find Nell."

Cal seemed to hesitate, but gave a nod. "You're right. She should be our focus."

Cal reluctantly let me go; I wandered towards my bed, throwing myself upon it and forcing my eyes up towards the ceiling. The fan spun above my head in a solid, unwavering rhythm, and I watched it, willing my brain to recall what it had put away over a decade ago. I closed my eyes. "I have to remember."

"How are you supposed to do that?"

"I don't know," I confessed. "I have no idea—but if I remember what happened to me, how I got away, then I can find Nell. I know where they took her. I just don't remember it."

I sighed, then added, "Maybe...I don't want to remember. If I was traumatized, then—"

"Theo, sleep."

I craned my neck, my eyes meeting Cal's, one of my eyebrows up. First of all, I had just woken up. Second of all, how was sleeping supposed to find Nell faster? I didn't have time to waste on a power nap when she out there somewhere, likely in Pact's grasp. I wasn't going to let them do to her what they'd done to me. I didn't care if she, like everyone else I lived with, had lied to me all these years. I was her brother, and it was my job as such to protect her until the end. "What is sleeping going to do?"

"Your dream," Cal said, resting against one of the four posters of my bed. "Now that you think about it, it was somewhat accurate, wasn't it? Maybe if you dream again, you'll remember a little. Just think—all we really need is a location."

I mulled it over, resting my hands beneath my head. "A location," I repeated. "If I can remember where I was...yes! That's it, Cal."

She gave me a grin, one of her purest, the kind that crinkled at her eyes and brought dimples to her cheeks. Then, she leaned forward, pressing a light peck to my forehead and sitting back again. A moment later she shook her head and came back, this time placing a lingering kiss on my mouth. She laughed when she saw the flush to my cheeks. "What do you want me to do?" she asked then, her tone a bit solemn.

I trailed my eyes to the ceiling again. "Go home, and tell Richie we're going on a trip. Wait for me to call you."

Cal's expression told me she hadn't been expecting that. "You sure you don't want me to stay?"

"Watching me sleep is not going to be fun," I told her, "and besides, you don't really think good ol' Richard kept his promise, do you?'

Cal's lips twisted towards a smile, but never quite made it there. She eased off the bed, folding her arms with a playful scoff. "I just don't understand you, Dacosta. You just found out that your whole life you've been lied to, that everything you've been wishing you had you actually did have once. How are you so cheerful?"

"I already told you," I said, closing my eyes. "Because it doesn't matter how I got here—I'm still here. I'm still me, Theo, whether I was born this way or someone made me this way. If I start caring about all that, that's what makes it hurt."

My eyes still closed, I heard Cal make a pleased noise. "How much more confusing can you get, Theo? You say things like that and then you wonder why I love you."

 I choked in response, my eyes flying open, but she was already gone.