My Mess of a Life

Dogs

A few days ago, or rather yesterday maybe, two friends and I went out to lunch. One of them invited two guys from her school, so it was meant to be a fun group lunch. Of course air headed me failed to think that they were all seniors and knew each other from work and whatnot yada yada. So as they were talking I drifting thinking to whatever I usually thought about, observing the scenery and failing to join the conversation about their work and how much they get paid.

Eventually my other friend and I ended up leaving after feeling awkward seeing the two guys and our friend talk about their school drama. As we walked across the main road for a cup of coffee we ran into a woman and her dog. So obviously my friend cooed at the dog, because that's what most people do including me, and starting talking about her dog. I asked her questions about how old the dog was, what breed, guy or girl and the regular questions that people usually ask I guess.

Perhaps it never crossed my mind to talk about my own dog. Or rather, I did think of my dog, but I didn't know when to talk about him. I didn't want to interject, or maybe I didn't want to reveal information about myself?

Whatever the reason, I have no idea but I eventually talk about him. After getting coffee, we were outside lounging about happily relaxed and we say the dog again. And this time I managed to talk about my dog to which my friend laughed, "What the hell?! Why didn't you tell me before while I was talking about my dog?" There was a hint of awkwardness as I shrugged saying that I didn't think of it at first.

Maybe it would be fine if that was the only thing. But already to multiple people I have a problem talking about myself, how I feel. While some may think they know I would rather say that only 3 or 4 people know how I truly act. I can't quite tell the difference between me playing along to what people want to hear and how I act anymore.

True, it's my problem for not telling how I feel more often. Yet, I can't quite shake off the feeling that people don't understand what I talk about. Or they might turn it against me, I may get overly emotional and break down and ultimately display my weaknesses to the world. 

So, this story and the following chapters serve to express my emotions in ways I cannot through text. Whether it be happy or sad emotions, whether it may sound like I want attention, I may as well write it to help my articulate my emotions better. Otherwise I may sound like a distant robot even more. 

If I don't, I don't think I could ever truly become close to people. 

I doubt I would ever be able to reach out to others.

Thanks if you feel like reading :)