delusions.

the beginning (of xiao li).

I stared out of my car window, realizing where I was. But, how did I get here?

I stared blankly at the canyon in front of me, then I peeked into the rearview mirror, seeing the police lights.

Shit.

It all came flashing back suddenly, all the crimes I'd committed. All the people I had hurt. I suddenly remembered.

And maybe it'd make so much more sense if you heard the story, too..

I suck at story telling, but I might as well do it before I push my car off this cliff..

• • •

The day I was born was, apparently, a blessing.

I never have, nor will I ever, call my birth a fucking blessing. I was a curse from the start.

My father called me an angel, my mother called me her everything, and my older sister said she loved me already. Honestly, I feel as though I was the worst thing to happen to our perfect little family.

My parents never questioned me or my intentions until I turned 2.

My first word was "daddy". My second was "mommy". My third was "kill".

My sister told my parents it was nothing, that maybe I didn't know exactly what I was saying or what it even meant. But, looking back, I feel like that was a lie.

It seemed like she knew. But, at that age, I didn't.

Then, I hit age 4, and that's when everyone started worrying about me.

On my birthday, I got a hold of a knife and swung it around until I hit one of my cousins in the eye. She screamed so, so, so loud and all I did was giggle and clap my hands. My aunt and my parents told me to apologize over and over but I just shook my head and fought at the girl.

At a young age, I enjoyed seeing people in pain. I loved their cries of terror, and especially watching the blood flow.

Things were like that for a while. My parents would watch in confusion and slight concern as I hurt people. But, it would get more worse when I turned 20.

That's when I really questioned my own sanity.

• • •

My sister was.. 30 at this time. She was visiting our home in Shanghai all the way from New York in America. It was nice that she'd gotten a job, but she said she hated being away from her family.

I wish she would've, though.

Maybe those terrible thoughts would have stayed where they were. She probably would still.. be here.

"Xiao Li! It's been so long, sister!" I smiled halfheartedly, hugging my sister Chai. "Yeah, ha.. it has." I looked down, putting my hands over my stomach. Chai frowned, sitting beside me. "Li.. are you okay?" "No. You know I'm not, don't ask such stupid questions." "I wish I could have came home sooner.. I know my little sister needed me. I'm so sorry." I rolled my eyes, resting my chin on my hand. "Your presence wouldn't have made anything better. I just wish I was home."

A few days before my sister visited, I was at my own home, and something horrible happened the night before I came back to my parents. Let's just say, it was awful for myself, my family, and my.. former boyfriend, Sorin.

It tore us apart, and it brought every bad thought and every bit of my depression back, and honestly, my sister's return made me even more irritated.

Which, really, wasn't good for either of us.

My mother came into the room, putting a hand on my shoulder. I rested my head on her hip, staring at Chai as she spoke happily about her new job and her fiance, all of the shit I can't have any longer. Then, she announced something neither of us expected.

"Also, um, I'm pregnant!"

I froze, tensing up. My mother screamed in joy and my father came rushing into the living room. They all celebrated my sister's pregnancy, and I just got up and stormed off.

How.. how insensitive is this family?! They all knew what happened to me not even a week ago, yet they decide to celebrate something like this?? I was really upset, and nowadays, I just kept all of my anger bottled up. I had grown to realize that wasn't good. It was unhealthy. I had to get this anger out of my system.

So, I called up a friend. An old friend.

We hadn't talked in years, but I knew she would remember me. She loved me, and she would do absolutely anything I asked if I asked perfectly.

"Xiao Li? Is that really you?" I smiled, biting my lip.

"Yes, Soomyun! It's really me, Pixie!" "Wow! We haven't spoken in so long, Pixie! I missed you a lot. I was just thinking about you when Somin's brother told me about.." "Um, yeah. That was unexpected, of course. Sorin and I were really excited, but.." "I'm so sorry, Li. I wish it didn't have to be this way, but you know I'm the same way. That's why Jaebeom and I aren't together anymore. But, enough of that sad talk. Why did you call me?"

"I.. I need help with something.. something really, really immoral, but it's something I have to do."

The other line was quiet for a while. I sat silently, listening to Soomyun's soft breaths and whispers to herself.

"Um.. elaborate, Pixie. What.. what do you mean?"

"Soomyun, I have to..."

As I spoke the last words, I could practically see the horror on my old friend's face. I know, maybe it was a dumb thing to even.. consider, but I had to do this. I was done with stress, and I was done with losing everything. I'm tired of it! For once, I'm finally acting on my thoughts.

For once.. I was living out a fantasy.

And all I needed.. was my friend's help.

•••

hello ! this is hopiekun !

sorry for not updating any stories in a while. im still working on my old ones even though im not much interested in my old projects ha :)

anyway, i have lots of new ideas so i hope you guys enjoy this first one ! i plan on releasing more on this and more books so please look out for those !

ily all, hopiekun ~