My Struggle Diary?

August 2, 2017

So, this is the beginning. The start of something that could be great, or horrible... Sorry, it is 3:48 am and I haven't slept well in a couple years. Anyway, I am 15 years old and I live in Alaska, in about three weeks I am going into my sophomore year of high school. My parents have been split since I was seven and my mom is remarried. I have two brothers and a step brother who are all younger than I am. I play the clarinet, ukulele and guitar, none of them very well but I do try my hardest. My hobbies include hating myself and binge watching Netflix. I always say I have no one but I have some fucking amazing friends who are always there for me. I often accidentally don't sleep all night because I am always tired but I ignore it and just continue doing things and then I look t the time and wow it's 4 am, like what the hell happened? That's really the basics on me and I guess you'll learn more as time goes on. 

 Yesterday I hid out in my bathroom for an hour and cried while watching my brothers because I started freaking out about scratches on my arm. Which leads into another thing

I haven't self-harmed like I have never cut or burned myself, I'm too afraid of something. Like if I go to that it's all actually a big deal. Anyways, I have scratched myself with a pencil, not just scratched it but I just sit there and keep scratching a spot until it's kind of an open thing. I don't know why I started doing that but I did and I regret it but I needed it at the time. My thought process went like this... "So, this can't be that bad, it is just a scratch, not hard to hide, they go away, no scarring, I can just stop whenever and they'll go away and it won't be a big deal." I haven't done this since the end of May because lately I have been semi okay... not okay but managing without it at the moment. So I have not done anything to inflict pain upon myself in about two months, but the marks are still there, the marks are what started this whole thing today. I texted my friend saying how they were still there and it was really annoying me. I rambled on and on about these stupid marks and it confused them and then they asked "whats wrong? What is annoying you" For some reason that caused me to burst into tears and I couldn't stop so we talked through it and they were there for me, yet again. They made me feel so much better like they usually do in these situations. 

This is my best friend and I used to message them constantly about what was going on and how everything was going and then I just stopped one day. Every time I messaged them I would apologize for being annoying because I knew I was because I am not very important. It made me feel even worse when they told me how scared they were for me when I stopped talking to them, I thought I was doing them a favor by leaving them be but it scared them. They weren't sure what was happening and how I was doing, they actually cared and were concerned for me. 

I'm really sorry, none of this probably makes sense, my mind is going a mile a minute and I just keep changing topics. 

I met this guy on an app and we started messaging, and we became friends quickly and then he asked me out. I said yes and I am really glad I did because I love him so much, he is so sweet and funny and just what I need right now, the only issue is that he likes in Arizona. His school already started, they are an hour ahead of Alaska time and his dad has decided to put a curfew on his phone at around 9:30. I understand that like he wants him to sleep and stuff and I know I sound like a cringy, entitled girl right now but it is really stupid, I would like to talk to him sometimes... He is busy at school before I get up and then he goes home does homework and chores and eats and the leaves like an hour to talk and it just really sucks. I sound stupid and I'm going to shut up about that now. 

it is 4:22 now and I really should get some sleep but at this point why I'll only get a few hours anyway so why not just stay up and sleep tonight. I keep having to take on and off a blanket because I'm over heating and then I'm freezing so that's fun. 

My family doesn't know anything going on with me. They just seem to think I'm lazy and need to get out of the house more. My mom is at work all the time now and my step dad works on the other side of the state and is gone for a month at a time ,and my dad just doesn't even bother to check up on me when I'm at his house unless my grandma tells him to do a chore that he decides to pass onto me. 

Those are all my thoughts right now, I'm going to go watch shameless and debate sleeping now. I hope everyone has an amazing day and power to the local dreamer.