My Struggle Diary?

August 5, 2017 12:29am

I was thinking and I have decided I'm going to write a letter to my mom. It probably will never get to her but I need to make progress and come up with a draft to telling my parents I'm not okay somehow. This is what this entry will be so it might seem weird but I need this to exist and be somewhere. 

Dear mom, 

I really think it would be best for me to go back to a therapist. For the past few years, I have felt weird, like not myself. I'm constantly sad and some days can't get out of bed. At first, I passed it off and just thought it was normal like something that just happens, and then as time went on it has just gotten worse. I started to often think about how I don't have a place in the world and how everything would be better if I were gone. I haven't been suicidal or anything, I just don't think there was really a purpose for me. I would just break down for no reason and start crying or just go numb for a little while. Over this last year it has gotten a lot worse though, I feel numb all the time and my moments happen less frequent but when they happen they are pretty bad, Tuesday when I was watching the boys I just went into the bathroom and cried for an hour because I just thought about how worthless I seem to be. I keep thinking about this one time where I was at the doctor's getting a physical or something and they started asking me how I felt and if I ever hung out with friends or something, before I could even say anything dad answered for me and said that I was always talking to friends on my phone and that I was fine. I keep remembering this and thinking about how badly I wanted to answer for myself or  correct him and tell him about how I'm not talking to friends on my phone because no one ever texts me back, and how I wasn't fine and I didn't leave the house and I didn't hang out with friends because no one cared enough to talk to me or hang out of notice I existed. I'm that friend that you message when everyone else is busy, the person that's your last resort in case you are bored and everyone else is doing something. I guess it's my fault, I made myself that friend, I'm not interesting enough and I'm not funny or pretty and I couldn't go anywhere ever. I just sat there and stared at the wall though and the doctor didn't even think twice about it, dad knew best and it was time for the next question. I'm really afraid to tell you all of this because for some reason I feel like I'll get into trouble for this. I don't exactly know why I feel that way but I can't get over the fear of being told I'm overthinking or being dramatic or I'm fine. I know at this point that I'm not fine, I need some sort of help, I need someone trained to listen that I can vent to and them to tell me exactly whats going on. I am always so strong, but at this point, I can't be strong anymore. I can't be okay all day and then sit up at night wondering how many times I messed up throughout the day. I seem fine because I don't want you to worry about me, I don't want you to have anything else that you have to worry about or fix or deal with. Everything is starting to get okay in our lives and I don't want to mess it all up. I need someone to listen to me and I need someone to fix me because I am broken and I can't keep going at this rate. I am so messed up right now and I don't know how to get better. This isn't normal, normal kids don't freak out about giving a presentation and have like a mild panic attack about reading a paragraph in class. Normal kids don't have any one to turn to, they don't hide in their rooms all day because they feel like if they leave they'll ruin everything. I always feel that I'm going to mess everything up and everything is my fault. I probably deserve to think like this though because I shouldn't be able to be happy, something has got to go wrong, it's how my life works. I will help people when they are down and when they feel like there isn't any point to anything and after they're okay, I look back on our conversations and wonder how believable I was because I don't believe a word. It's all just lies I tell to people so they'll be okay. I feel the need to help people because there is so much that has happened that I couldn't have helped or stopped, I was worthless so many times and I couldn't save someone or something and now I have to do what I can to ignore that. I need some sort of help because I don't know whats wrong with me, but I know that people aren't supposed to think like this. People are supposed to sleep at night and not worry throughout the day how many things they've screwed up. I just want to feel normal, and I don't know how to do that, but I really want to. I love you so much and I'm sorry that I can't just be perfect, I wish I were a better daughter and sister and student and friend. I'm sorry I'm not good enough. None of it is your fault, this was all on me. I just love you, Becca