newborn angel

The angel born from darkness

Leave me alone! I just want to yell those words, but there is nobody to hear me. What's the point of complaining if you don't have any audience? Even if I'm the only living form in this room, I'm not alone, never. I never knew what the peaceful silence of the night is. Those images, those noises... They are overwhelming me, trying to drown the little piece of humanity that belongs to me. I feel alone but I have many friends, a great family with two parents who loves me more than a lot of children would ever wish to be. But even with the "perfect life" conditions that I have, I feel I've been abandoned in the middle of the ocean, alone. Objects are floating around me, objects who remind me the perfect life I supposedly have. Am I supposed to be as happy as they are? Do I have to? I know how to be happy, not anymore. How does it work? I don' know I do not know how long I'm drifting. All my thought is saying different things! Some are telling me that I should live, and others told me that I should jump in the water and let me down to the abyss. I feel trapped, trapped like rabbit surrounded by wolves, trapped in my mind, in my own hell.

The mind: a haven of thought. It can be as peaceful as a newborn and as chaotic as a war zone. But in any situation, the mind is a powerful tool of massive destruction. Like a double edged sword, your thought can injure you as much as it can injure the others. A wild animal your brain is, it needs to be tame except if you want a slow and painful death. I've been a victim of its immense capacities. Intimidated since third grade to secondary 3, my thoughts have been my best friends and my worst enemies. Someone wise once told me to play their game and bullied myself. As they were insulting me, I insulted myself to steal their job. This technic was reliable, and it works. Soon, the people who used to insult me stopped, at the sight of my pitiful person. But even when I was finally alone, I was so accustomed to bashing myself that it became normal and regular to insult myself, slowly tearing apart my self-esteem. I got to such a point that I no longer considered myself like a whole person with rights and liberty. I was a moving body without purpose and goals. The part of me that I use to insult myself and drive away predators is slowly personified in dark and pure malfeasance. Always backstabbing me when I receive good news or I'm proud of me in something. "You are bad", "You are ugly", "You will never be successful", "Nobody wants you". Those are some common things my Dark part like I like to call it, used to say to me. I was a victim of my own mind. I'm not normal, I thought. I was so used to be insulted and denigrated that it became a reflex. It was normal for me to be seen as a loser, an ugly stupid and clumsy guy. It was not strange at all to see myself like that, but if you told me I was good or you were proud of me, I would look at you crooked. My mind has already been a place where I found shelter and peace of mind, but I put it in quarantine. Inhabited by an evil spirit, I wanted to avoid it at all cost. I wasn't the master of my own mind anymore. I was lost, imprisoned in a week and febrile body. I thought it was the end of me. One night I had a revealing dream. I dreamed of an angel, a bright and benevolent angel. He was helping everyone who needed help: friend, enemy, young and old. Everyone has the right to be helped, in any situations. Throughout my dream, I followed the angel, this being of light, in his journey to help people in need. When I woke up, I realized that I can be like this angel! Maybe I do not love myself but nothing prevents me from loving others and doing well around me. I had finally found my purpose in life. This lifeless and aimless body quickly became animated by a desire to create happiness and to help others. I became quickly a reference for people who needed help. I helped friends, family, strangers, anyone. Some people I didn't know came to see me to solve their problems. Since secondary 4, I helped many couples, many friends; I helped people who were ready to end their life. I became happy like I never was before. My Dark part, the ruler of my mind began to suffocate. Darkness is weak in a world of light. As I was helping friends and family, he felt that he didn't have the control on my thought. I began to find my joy and my source of happiness in the happiness of the others. Make them smile, see their beautiful smile, watch them reunited with their loved one. See darkness and sadness faded and disappear, is the main goal of my actions. There are people to make food, to take care of the health of others, to keep your money 'safe', to help you find a home and there are some people born to make joy and spread happiness all around them. I am one of them.

Quickly, the ocean on which I was lost, alone, began to dry. I saw for the first time for a long time, hope. Hope to be happy again, I had the strength to live again, to love again... As I reached the land I realized, I wasn't alone, not at all. All this love this happiness, I chose to ignore it, all this time, I missed them all. But now, I have the chance to create happiness and love. Like the angel, I pursue my quest for happiness.