Midnight Memories

VII

Last weekend was the first weekend I didn't talk about you.

And it felt fucking good.

For weeks – months, even – I've been distracting myself by meeting up with friends, drinking, binge-watching, and traveling.

Anything to get my mind off of you.

To be honest, I didn't really try my best. You were still there, at the back of my mind. I still talked about you every chance I could get. Sometimes, I let myself be swallowed up in the misery. 

Other times, I was just plain bitter.

Some Saturday nights led to bad decisions, but they taught me good lessons. A part of me felt like I had to prove myself. I had to be always 'happy.' But the truth was... it was only temporary.

Sure, going out and seeing my friends was fun. Those were the highlights. I got to reconnect with them, we got to bond. But still, it wasn't enough.

I was still sad. 

So I kept doing it. Every Saturday night for the past weeks, I had a set of friends to meet. They distracted me. But then again, not really. Because the topic of you always came up.

I didn't like it. I didn't like who I was becoming. I didn't like how I had to rely my happiness on other people. 

That's no way to live.

This... is not... me.

I was on the path of finding myself again. And while there might have been some mishaps along the way... Eventually, I did find my way back.

It happened the other day, I was out 'adulting' like paying the bills and all that shit. Then, for the first time in a long while, I felt weird. Good weird.

I looked out the window of my Uber on the way home and I realized that I felt really good about myself.

I feel like I'm capable of doing things on my own. I've been doing it for some time now, but this is the first time I felt a little bit proud of myself that I don't need anybody else to take care of me.

It was like a reminder.

I don't need a guy to validate me. I don't need a guy to rescue me. I don't need a guy to tell me that I'm worth any risk because I know I am.

I know what I deserve.

As months passed, I began to come down from the fairy-tale high that is you.

I smiled as the pieces suddenly fell into place.

I'm not in love with you. I never was. I was only obsessed with the idea of you.

See, you checked all the boxes. You met every single one of my high standards. You were everything I could ever want.

But I realize now that you're not really what I need.

I don't need someone who keeps me guessing. I don't need someone who reminds me that I'm inferior because I'm inexperienced. I don't need someone who makes me question my self-worth.

What I felt for you wasn't love.

I refuse to believe that it's love.

Love is reassurance.

Love is undying support.

Love is a rock that keeps you steady even when you feel as if the world around you is falling apart.

What I felt for you, though?

It was toxic.

Plain and simple.

Who are you for me to change like that? Who are you that you broke down my walls and made me crumble down into pieces?

You are not worthy of falling apart for.

My old self would've kicked me in the ass by now for even letting a tear drop over you. In fact, I want to kick myself right now.

The last paragraph of your chapter in my life has been written.

Finally...

I am free.