The rambles of my thoughts

Explode

Do you ever have the feeling that you're gonna explode?
That you feel so much and you can't get in words, that you don't know how to say it.
That you even don't know what you're feeling anymore and even the moment that you think you do, you don't.

I'm feeling so much, but I just don't know where to start or how to bring in under words.
Sometimes I'm so down and feeling slightly depressed and other days I have an good day (I think you can call it that) and all the emotions that I feel are all pressed back and away.
Because you don't want to feel anything, you just want to be okay and happy, without any overthinking or any down thoughts. Even right now, I don't know what I feel, I know it sometimes and then yet again I don't. Just because it is so much and I don't know what feeling or emotion is taking overhand and even though I really feel like giving over to every emotion that I feel at the moment and feel like breaking down I can't.

I can't show that I'm weak, can't show that I'm fragile because when you're fragile, people can and will hurt you. They'll hurt you emotionally, they give you another punch down, they'll hurt you deeper and deeper. And when I'm alone, I drift away with everything what I'm feeling, it comes all above and attacks me and I don't know if I want to cry. I don't know if I really want to feel.

Feeling sucks, it's fucking fuck. Why does one person has so many slightly depressed feelings? How can one person feel so much and yet so little at one time?