Convergent

2†

Ain’t got no doctor or pill that can take the pain away

The pain’s inside and nobody frees you from your body

Is the soul, it’s the soul that needs surgery

Plastic smiles and denial can only take you so far

When you break and the fake façade leaves you in the dark

You left with shattered mirrors and the shards of a beautiful girl

-Pretty Hurts, Beyoncé Knowles

I looked at myself in the mirror once again. My make-up from early today was still on, a little bit smudged under my eyes, but that made me like it even more. It made me look like a devil, like a supernatural mean creature. That way, people kept away from me and I don’t need to take crap from them.

I was getting ready to go to that party Mason warned me about. I was full of energy, in school today, we only had a few lectures and in P.E. hour we just sat in a large bench doing nothing and blabbering nonstop. Not that I had participated in the blabbering part, but I managed to hide my earphones inside my shirt and behind my hair so the teacher wouldn’t saw them.

I need music, always. If I stay in silence for too long, my brain starts to overdrive and I over think stuff I don’t want neither do I need to over think.

My hair was falling over my chest. My pale skin is only covered with my black bra and matching panties. I grabbed a handful of my hair and pulled it back, turning my hair to the right and then to the left to see if I liked it. I took two deep breaths, not ignoring the fact that my collarbones were extremely prominent.

I grabbed a pair of hairpins and captured my bangs behind, putting the pins right in the middle of my head. I admired myself in the mirror once again and turned around, walking back to my room.

When I reached my room and was closing my door, I noticed my hands shivering and trembling, meaning I was soo nervous I needed to grab a cigarette before I collapsed. I feel extremely stressed and, I guess, wrong when I spend too much without cigarettes.  I guess it’s addiction, yes! Swallowing, I walked to my bedside table and opened the first drawer, grabbing my pack of Marlboro Red cigarettes and my neon green lighter.

I pushed the windows opened and jumped, supporting in the windows frame. I pushed my legs out of the window, crossing them over each other. I put the cigarette between my teeth and lit it, the task being a bit more difficult hanks to my trembling hands, putting the lighter next to me in the windows frame. I pushed my back against one side of the frame, supporting my feet against the other side of it.

I leaned my head against the frame and just pulled the smoke inside. T uneasiness and the stress would go away by each time my nail hit the bottom of the cigar, making the ashes levitate away from me, wich meant the cigarette was getting smaller and smaller. Shame.

I was about to get out of the window when I heard someone whistling at me. I frowned and looked outside to find a guy starring at me, biting his lower lip. My frown disappeared to turn into a side smile and a roll of eyes. The guy laughed at me and I laughed back, throwing the tip of the cigarette away and turning my back at him, the cocky smile still present on my lips.

What? Sex is great! Especially when there are no strings attached and no lovey-dovey cuddling after. I’m not that type of person, I don’t like people caring about me, I don’t need that. I couldn’t correspond them even if I wanted to.

I feel nothing.

I can’t feel fear. I can’t feel love. I can’t feel any emotion what so ever. And that’s good. I mean, if I did feel anything, it meant that it would be difficult for me to end it when the time comes. It’s easier to be alone than surrounded by people, even though that surrounded by people, I still feel alone and empty.