Have You Ever Thought?

The What-Ifs

Have you ever thought about the what-ifs? Like, what if something happens to someone I love when I'm away? Or, what if I'm not good enough? What if I ruin everything? I do all the time. It's mostly all I do anymore, sit there and listen to music, and contemplate life. Ahhh the good life. Let me explain a few things, I have two "Disorders". I have OCD and a Panic Disorder, which makes me...difficult I guess. 

           So last year at school, this boy, who I'll call 'Idiot', and I was at a school concert. We both played trumpet so we hung out a lot, and we talked a lot too. He wanted to go play football outside so he asked me to take his very expensive shoes inside the school building for him, as he didn't want them to be ruined. This everyone was my first mistake, I should have told him no. But, being me, I said: "Sure Idiot, I'll help you out." I took the shoes inside and I put them on a chair.

             The concert started, everything went phenomenally. Then Idiot came up to me, and said "Good job Athena! Now, where are my shoes?" I looked at him as though he had grown two heads in about three seconds. "What do you mean 'where are my shoes'? I thought you already had them." So we went to go look for them and after about 5 minutes of looking, my grandma comes up to me and is saying "We'll be in the car, sweetie." 

              And immediately after she left, Idiot's mother comes and starts yelling at me for losing her son's shoes. and I said, "I'm Sorry ma'am I didn't mean too." , and left.  At this point, I felt like curling into a ball and crying my eyes out. This is where the 'What if's' come in. "What if it really was my fault? What if they can't find them? What if we can't afford to pay for the shoes?". With all these what-ifs, I couldn't breathe. It felt like everything around me was collapsing. That's when I realized I was having a panic attack. 

               I made to the car in tears where my grandfather, grandmother, and brother were waiting.I told them what had happened, and they told me the truth. THIS WASNT MY FAULT. Idiot should have taken care of them himself. Skip to the next day and as I was leaving my band class my S.R.O officer stopped me in the hall and asked me about where I left the shoes, and if I had seen anybody keep looking or hanging around them. I told him the truth and I thought that that would be the end of it. But I was wrong, he came back the day after that when I was about to leave school for a doctors appointment. But this time, he accused me of stealing the shoes. I want to ask you one question... WHY IN GODS GREEN EARTH WOULD I STEAL A PAIR OF SHOES? DO I LOOK THAT POOR, I MEAN COME ON.

              If you're reading this without knowing me, first thank you for listening to my crazy. Second, I'm one of the nicest people you will ever meet. I couldn't even steal chapstick let alone a pair of expensive shoes. He then told me if I returned the shoes, HE WOULDNT FREAKING PRESS CHARGES. I MEAN THE FREAK. But I was polite and respectful and nodded until my grandma got there and I said: "It's going to be hard returning something I didn't steal sir.".  And with that, I left. 

               As soon as I got out of that horrid building, I actually burst into tears. I keep repeating "No one believes me...No one believes me..." Over and Over, until I got into my doctor's office, I had stopped crying at this point and was relatively calm. Until, of course, I saw my doctor, who I've known since I was in third grade. I started crying/having a panic attack again, he just hugged me and said that it wasn't my fault. What I didn't know at this point is that my grandma had told my mother that I was having a panic attack and told her the reasons behind it, and was now yelling at my principal who didn't have any idea about what was going on at the time. 

              That night, when I was at my house, THE SHOES MIRACULOUSLY APPEARED AT THE SCHOOL. WOW. The next day I got called into the Principal's office where I find the SRO officer and the principal. Long story short, I got called crazy by the principal that has known me since third grade. He told me 'the brain blow things out of proportion' and that that's what mine did. After that, me going to school got less and less until I didn't go anymore, from then on out I was homeschooled.I thought of this story today because school is starting soon, and some part of me wishes that I could go back and be normal again. But the other part, the bigger part, wants to be weird and abnormal and wants to stay homeschooled. That's all for today. Love you all!