All That Matters

I don't even know what I'm thinking right now. Uuuuuugh. Shit. Fucking shit, how do I get myself into these situations. . .

I think it started in seventh grade but for a while now I've wondered...

Sometimes I see it in the way he stares at me when he thinks I'm not looking. Sometimes I see it in the way he leans closer to me than everyone else. And sometimes I see it in the slight blush that creeps in on his cheeks when he notices we're in the same room.

It's so cute.

But then I see the exact opposite when he talks to me and spits out venom and snide comments about how I'm a failure at life.

But strangely, the anger only makes him cuter and I'm so confused. I'm not supposed to think he's cute. I'm not supposed to notice the way he looks at me. I'm not supposed to think that the way he gets mad at me is kinda hot.

But I do.

We had been friends. I knew he liked me in middle school, he had been brave enough to tell me, but back then it had weirded me out and we eventually drifted. He kinda just melted into the background as I dated girl after girl, straight as can be.

But then high school started. And I hadn't seen him in so long. And like the idiot I am, of course I tripped in front of him while walking up the stairs.

He just looked at me with an expression of pure you're-a-dumbass.

And all I could do was stare at him. His hair had grown out a lot since middle school... I briefly entertained the thought of running my fingers through it... he had more freckles sprayed across his nose than I remembered... or did I just never notice until now?... he had gotten taller over the three years we hadn't talked... it was cute because I knew he would still be shorter than me...

"Stupid child," he said flatly as he shook his head and quickly walked past me. Keep in mind I was still on the floor.

Then he did something I hadn't expected. As I picked myself up, he stopped short and turned to ask, "Diego, are you ok?"

And me, the picture of grace, stumbled stupidly as I tried to tie the shoelace I had tripped over, before trying to recover my usual nonchalance with, "Yeah I'm fine!" as I gave him a lame thumbs up, and brushed off my pants.
Then upon realizing that I litteraly have not seen nor spoken to this kid for three years, I said, "Hey, it's been forever since I've last seen you, man."

He gave a quick nod and his eyes nervously shifted to the side before he replied in an unusual, not so flat tone, "Same here. Maybe I'll see you around more next year. See you later."

He quickly turned and walked away before disappearing into a classroom down the hallway.

He sounded honest, but he didn't look it at all. A part of me, a dark, desperate part of me hoped he meant it.

See you later, Alex.

~~~

Sophomore year passed quickly. We'd run into each other in the hallway occasionally but aside from his usual comment, or sideways glances we hadn't really talked since that day.

I started dating another girl. She was cute, and sweet and super smart, but after a while, everything just felt like a routine. We'd go out, we'd give and get our obligatory affection, and we'd recite multitudes of sweet nothings to one another, but lately it'd begun to feel empty, as though I had done this a million times before.

I honestly wouldn't be surprised if that were true.

And lately as I walked around school, whenever I'd see him, I could feel my heart give a little jump, and I had no idea why. I partly worried and partly hoped that I had developed a heart condition due to stress but in the back of my mind I knew that it wasn't that.