The Sirens (MindOverMatter contest)

Sirens

It was all my fault. I caused the sin of all sins, the most painful of all... All of my selfishness, my hatred, my stabbing remarks had killed the most loving and compassionate man of all time. 

I lay down on my bed, too tired to cry and the emptiness wouldn't go away no matter what I had done. Flinching from my thoughts and my memories of getting pleasure when I had seen the pain on my family's faces.All I cared about was myself, I was too involved in keeping my image and didn't want anything to happen to my pride. 

However, experiencing the reality of my father's death made me think of how horrible I was being to everyone. Yet I had to have his death to teach me that I was ignorant and such an idiot. Every night, the nightmares of the reality had engulfed me as if it was a flame. 

Too busy angry with myself, I kept listening to the voice that told me I was worthless. I had made someone die, even if it actually wasn't the cause of death, I was the one to blame. I cursed my name, threw myself against the wall, the weight of my depression felt like I was captivated by the dense and heavy chains that I had cast upon myself. In my own understanding, I thought I was okay. 

I didn't attend church anymore because of the drama against everyone in it, so I disregarded the religion, even though I knew I couldn't doubt my love for God. I just turned away from Him. Instead, I dressed in the darkest and dullest colors, wanting no more attention in my life. I didn't want myself to be happy anymore, didn't want to see the smile on my face. 

My mother made me move into a different town, after seeing no good results of being where I was at currently. It was bad enough that my own twin sister had called me a machine, that I was a stone, which was sad enough but true.

When I moved to a different town, my eyes had become wide open. A church invited me into their lives and I somehow rededicated my life to the Lord. Though that was happy news, my heart was open when I went to a missionary trip to Riley, Kansas and saw how broken everyone was. Little kids had dealt more than I had ever had and I knew that I was wasting my time dwelling over my silly foolish life. I grew up that week. 

At age fifteen, I constantly find myself researching studies to prepare myself, but I know I will never be prepared. I abandoned the ugly voice calling unto me like a siren, wanting to self-pity and sink into my own death. I now offer words of encouragement and care to those who suffer and try my best to defeat my own demons. We all have to stay away from our sirens.