Unexpected (Jerrie AU)

2.

Days went by the same. I barely got up from bed, I never left my bedroom. I picked up my phone for the first time in days, seeing had more than a hundred messages. Some from family, some from friends, some from numbers I didn't know. Most of them sending condolences and asking how I was holding up. I didn't respond to any, I simply locked my phone and stared at the picture of us on my screen. This picture was taken in August, just four short months ago. She'd had such a happy day, and that made me giddy on the inside. We went out that day, we had ice cream and saw a movie. I remember telling her that she looked nice, but on the inside my heart melted at her beauty. She'd taken this picture of us, we were both smiling widely. She was smiling for the picture, but I was smiling because she was smiling. My lips turned upwards at the memory, but them faltered as I remembered that I'd never see her smile again. Tears sprung to my eyes and I let them fall freely. I didn't know how to cope. I didn't know what to do.

***trigger warning***

I thought back to a conversation I'd had with Savannah when I first found out about her cutting. She said it gave her release, that it helped her cope. Was it true? Could it help me? I guess there's only one way to find out. I dug through the drawers of art supplies and found an old plastic pencil sharpener, taking some scissors and popping out the blade. I held the blade in a nervous hand. I turned the lock on my door, pulling up the shorts I was wearing. I put the blade on the uppermost part of my thigh and pressed, dragging it across the once whole skin. Deep red blood rushed from the cut, and just as Savannah said, I felt release. I let out a deep breath and made more cuts along my thigh, unable to control myself. I bit my lip as I gazed down at my bloodied thigh, standing and grabbing new clothes. I walked silently to my bathroom, avoiding my parents at all costs. I quickly jump into the shower and wash myself clean. This made me feel new. It was the first shower I'd had in 5 days, and it was needed. My sleek blonde hair stuck to the skin of my shoulders as I stepped out of the shower, quickly dressing and applying bandaids to the deep cuts that had yet to stop bleeding. I went back into my bedroom, picking up the small blade and hiding it in the drawer of my nightstand. I laid back in bed quickly, hearing footsteps approaching my bedroom door.

***end trigger warning***

I see my moms head come slowly through the door of my room.

"Baby? You okay in here?" She says softly, I was barely able to hear her. I shake my head, saying that I wasn't. She sighs and her eyebrows pinch together in empathy. She walks in and sits on the edge of my bed. Her small, skinny hand reaches out to me, brushing damp hair out of my face. I shy away from her touch, but decide to let her continue. She notices the dampness of my hair.
"Did you take a shower?" She asks curiously, running a hand through the ends of my hair. I nod my head.

"I figured I could use one. It's been five days." I look up at her with tears pricking my eyes.

Five days. Five days without seeing those bright green eyes and her smooth, pale skin. Five days without texting all day. Five days without the walk to her house. Five days without hearing that angelic voice. Five days without a best friend. Five days without her.

"Come here, sweetie. Let mama give you a hug." She says, leaning down with her arms out.

"Please don't touch me." I whisper, my voice breaking. I knew she only wanted to comfort me, but I didn't want it. I didn't want her to try and fix me, I needed time to myself. I needed time to heal.
"It means a lot, mom. But I really don't feel like hugging." I sniffle. She nods, but I could see the hurt in her eyes. She pecks my forehead before leaving my room. Just minutes later my dad walks through the door.

"Hey, teddy bear." He mumbled, sitting opposite of me.

"Hey, Dad." I mumbled, embarrassed by the nickname. He's called me that since I was a baby, he said it was because I was soft and squishy as a baby, but the nickname was just embarrassing now.

"You'll get through it, Perrie. It'll be okay." He sighs ruffling my hair as he stands. I nod up at him and he grins, leaving my room. I groan inwardly and pull her shirt from the box beneath my bed. I take it into my hands, smelling it and squeezing to me.

"I'm sorry, Sav." I whisper, crying once again. Tears were slow, as I was very dehydrated. I walked slowly down the stairs and grabbed a bottle of water, bringing it up to my room.

"It's good to see you out of your room." My mom states from the dining room. I don't reply, I just go slowly up the stairs again, closing the door behind me.

~9 months later~

The past 9 months have flown by, yet moved so slowly around me. A lot has happened, but nothing worth getting excited over. We had Christmas, I turned 16 and was soon to be 17 in January. I started my junior year of high school. School sucked, I hated everyone there. I didn't talk to anyone, no one talked to me. I just shut my mouth and did what I needed to. My old teachers from last year always tried to talk to me about Savannah; always telling me to come to them if I needed a friend. One even had the audacity to tell me that I'd lost my 'light and vibrancy.' It was still August, and I was already sick of this hellhole. My parents and I have grown apart. My dad and I haven't talked much. Nothing more than a simple "how was your day?" conversation over dinner. My mom and I were very distanced. She still tries to come in and talk every night, but it never leads anywhere. It always ends up being a quick kiss on the cheek and a goodnight. The self-harm wasn't distanced. It was an everyday occurrence, a routine even.
My family had just finished dinner. I was back up in my room, my nose in a book I had to read for history. My mom came in without knocking, I pretended not to notice.

"Perrie Louise Edwards, what the fuck is on your legs?" She says in an exasperated voice. I glance down and notice that my shorts had ridden up, exposing the cuts along my thighs.

"Mom, I-I..." my mouths tuns dry as I try to think of an excuse. I was ashamed and I was afraid. I didn't want to do it, but it was an addiction now. I knew now what Savannah's struggle was like.
"Mom, I'm sorry." I whisper, my voice cracking as tears fell from my eyes. She walked quickly to the bed and sits next to me, pulling me into her lap and hugging me close to her chest. She shushes me and rubs my head.

"It's okay, my baby. We're gonna get you some help, I'm here for you." She starts to cry too, pulling down the leg of my shorts to cover the sliced skin. "I know that you feel guilty and sad, but this isn't the answer." She sighs. I decided it was now or never.

"I was in love with her, mom. I'm gay." I whisper softly, covering my face. I feel a peck on my head and look up to her.

"You act as if I didn't know." She smiles softly and brushed hair away from my face. I wrap my arms around her waist and press closer to her chest. Who knew a good hug from you mom could do so much for you? After she held me a bit longer, she stood, saying she was going to do some 'research.' I nodded and let her go, deciding I'd finish my reading. I read what I was supposed to, hating most of it. They were all dead anyways, so who cares what they did? I guess I'll never understand history. I get up, packing everything back into my bag, and grabbing clothes. I decided to take a long bath, it always helped me think, but it seemed as if I couldn't get in touch with my emotions for once in the past 9 months; as of they'd taken a vacation out of my body. How did I feel about my mom finding out about my self harm? How did I feel about coming out to her? How did I feel about her knowing? Trying to figure it all made me stressed, so I wash up and get out, fall in asleep quickly once getting into bed.

(Jade comes into Perrie's life next chapter! Yay!!
One hour and 15 minutes until my wedding day😍 Thankful that I get to marry the woman of my dreams tomorrow💍💍 I love you, Camden Eve😘)