Pretty Lies

dirty laundry

I hadn't been home in a long while and I couldn't wait to leave the sun, to return to the warm hugs my friends offered me in the coldest month in England. I must admit Eric and I spoke online briefly, but had that not been my doing, it would most likely never had occurred. 

I missed my friends a lot since I had been away, and they equally contacted me every single day, counting down the hours until I would return home. It was through them that I met the first person since Eric. We both wanted the same thing: one night, alcohol and Netflix; what a risky combination when you don't know the person! He came back to my house. That's where it happened. Laughs, drinks and pure honesty. He spoke with hatred for the world but I saw the good that truly lay in his heart. He reminded me far too much of a stereotypical rocker guy but I guess that, alongside the mystery in his voice attracted me to him. We spoke for a little while longer, but let go of the idea of each other's embrace within a short space of time. That night was intense and our intoxicated bodies had a mind of their own. To this day we remain friends - occasionally hanging out and checking up on each other. I think the best part of it all is that we've never really had any arguments, regardless of the events that followed our encounter soon after.

In that friendship circle, I met someone worthy of giving a name, simply due to the fact that the memories with them lasted a lot longer than my previous fling. Moreover, it included a lot more of a complicated story and this is one I am not afraid to leave out details. We'll call him Ian, just in case one day he decides that he wants to read this story - if so, hey 'Ian'! 

When I was first properly introduced to Ian, it was through his girlfriend at the time, who was also a friend to me for some time in my life. Ian had eyes like the Mediterranean ocean and the attitude of a gangster, yet he was small and somebody who I sought out to protect as much as possible. He was flirtatious and barely intimidating. We knew this would be a mistake from the very first day; we even told each other! However, it all had to happen in order to lead us to where we are today and I guess sometimes you need to put yourself through a healthy amount of hell, in order to truly commence to understand yourself.

This is the part of the story where you may start to decide between loving or despising me. I do not regret my actions. 

Nessa, Ian's girlfriend, was small yet feisty; much like me. She was a younger girl who grew around her older friends and therefore our views clashed often. We met years ago; things went well with our friendship until spite became our only common denominator. We were known by everyone, although my name came up a little bit more often for some reasons in which I can't explain. Nessa and Ian would constantly argue, whereas Ian and I wouldn't - not for long anyway. I was the only person at the time who was able to calm him down in certain instances where Nessa would actively try to do the opposite, but I don't blame her. Sometimes, when you're really struggling in your mind and everything is becoming too much for you to handle, you behave in questionable ways, without wanting to. It's like you've lost control of your own body and it hurts to see that you're hurting those around you, but stopping yourself is no longer an option so you desperately keep pushing and trying to hold onto the one good thing in your life. In other words, you become self-destructive: the epitome of a hurricane, unable to stop destroying everything in your path.

Ian would tell me every day how badly he wanted things to end with Nessa, but due to the events that took place between Eric and I, I couldn't support his decision and instead repeatedly attempted to make Ian see the good in her. I couldn't imagine reliving the pain I went through, simply by loving Eric, being passed onto someone else, so I did everything in my power to help them through what I thought at the time seemed like simply a rough patch in their relationship. Little did I know, there were bigger issues at hand than I had pictured.