« This Must Be My Dream » Matty Healy x George Daniel

4 ♡ Lostmyhead (Matty's POV) ♡

*trigger warnings; self harm, throwing up (descriptive)*

I let the door slam behind me as I entered my apartment. I walked the whole way home, mainly because I just stormed out of George's house, and the fact that just I don't care. I felt so tired, but my brain was telling me not to sleep.

I don't need it.

I kicked my shoes off, and trudged tiredly into the kitchen. I completely lost track of time, until I looked at the clock at least. It's 3AM. I guess I didn't realize how late it was. Oh well.

My stomach grumbled, as if I hadn't eaten in weeks. Which I haven't. Maybe a little snack wouldn't kill me, would it? I opened the door to the fridge, seeing everything inside, which wasn't much. It was nearly empty. I noticed out of the corner of my eyes there was a fresh apple sitting on the top shelf. Should I eat it? It's fairly small, and it's only fruit. The apple was then in my hand, and I didn't even realize till I looked at it. I brought the shiny, red fruit to my mouth, cautiously taking a bite. It was juicy, so it helped my dry yet bitter mouth. I forced it down after I spent a good majority of time just chewing on the small piece of fruit. After what felt like 5 minutes, I plucked up the courage to take another bite of it.

And within 30 seconds there was nothing but the core left.

I shakily set the apple core on the counter. Guilt started simmering in my brain and stomach. Just knowing how fast I ate that thing, and looking at the core sitting in front of me, I feel so.. fat. I always feel fat, but this time I felt like such a pig.

I don't need it.

I threw the core into the trash next to the fridge, and marched to the bathroom. I flicked the light on, and I squinted my eyes at the bright contact since I've been in darkness pretty much all night. Shaking my head and blinking a little, I cleared my vision, and headed for the toilet. Slowly my knee hit the floor, then the next one, kneeling in front of the toilet. I lifted the seat, already feeling sick. Taking my middle and pointer finger, I forced them down my throat and quickly triggered my gag reflex. It wasn't until shortly after that I threw up in the toilet, making me remove my fingers quickly. It burned my throat badly. I don't care. 7 times in one week... that's new for me.

I flushed the toilet and wiped my mouth with my sleeve. To freshen up, I brushed my teeth to at least take away the smelly breath. I trudged down the hall after exiting the bathroom, feeling tired. No, Matty. No sleep.

I don't need it.

I went to my bedroom, and I started to feel hot. Realizing I had my sweatshirt on, I did the reasonable thing and took my sweatshirt off. My mirror was right in front of me, and I nearly gagged at the sight in front of me.

Me.

My fat arms, legs, face, my fat everything. My floppy, hideous hair. My hundreds of scars littering my body, nearly inch of my forearms with a mark, little on my waist and thighs. I saw some clear skin on my forearm, with that itching sensation I get every time...

I need it.

I grabbed my small box out of my dresser drawer, containing my shiny little buddy that keeps me company every day of my life. My blade is my painkiller, and I'm always in pain.. so I'm always using it.

My hands slowly opened the box, making my eyes meet the shiny metal once again. I couldn't help but stare at it. It's smooth and shiny surface, it's jagged and sharp edges that I know dearly can cut me, even kill me. My hands easily took it out of the small case quicker than ever. I stared down at my arm for what seemed like forever, but before I knew it I was bringing the razor to my skin. I applied pressure, gliding it across my skin. There was the same numbing sensation that I always felt. The sweet, sweet, numbing sensation. Specks of blood became visible and rose to the surface of my skin quickly. It's fascinating to me how easily I can make myself bleed. So I did it again,

And again,

And again,

And again,

And so on...

It didn't even look red. It was so dark, and it looked so thick as it dribbled it's way down my arm in strands. I put my.. little friend back where it was, and made my way to the bathroom. I rinsed my arm under the cold water from the sink, giving me an oh-so-familiar stinging feeling. I pressed a small towel against my cuts, hopefully clotting the bleeding. Hopefully one day I'll "slip" and go to deep.. that'll really do me a favor.

It'll do everyone a favor.
~~~~~
Sorry that this chapter sucked

And if you guys ever need to talk I'm always here ❤

~Bella 🖤