Inside Her Head

A conclusion -by me

It saddens me to come to the conclusion that I myself am a burden. That I'm a cloud that just hovers over people making them feel as miserable as me, due to the uncertainty that radiates through my skin. The thoughts trapped in my brain, the things that keep me awake at night, surface and tattoo my skin. I'm exhausted. Physically. Mentally. Emotionally. I've never been one to share my thoughts or feelings. But it's like I can't even begin to describe what it is that eats away at me. I get metaphorical and poetic. Make everything seem elegant and delicate. But it's rough. It's like going to a theme park and forced into a ride you don't want to go on because it's full of your biggest fears. Whether that's heights, the dark or breaking down. It's like going on a rollercoaster that has a massive incline, as things start to look up or get better, but the minute you smile or your chest feels tight and tingly with the rarity of happiness, the ride stops. Stays for a moment and then rolls back down to the start. And we have to try again. Pick ourselves up, dust ourselves down and dry our tears. The truth is, we're too week to pick ourselves up, the dust clings to us and refuses to be removed, and the tears.. they never stop. Whether you're physically crying or not, the tears never stop, you'll be internally crying because your heart aches or because you're in pain. But the minute you're asked the simple question of "are you okay?" You build your wall up and frantically search for the correct answer. Fear floods your body, drowning the urge to tell the truth. Your mind leaps from thought to thought on what they mean by "okay". Trends change so frequently, perhaps the new 'okay', is 'not okay at all'. Perhaps for once you fitted in, and fitted the trend. Or maybe it's all just a test. A test for them to try their best to make it seem like they actually give a crap about how you are. A test to see if they can blow smoke over your eyes and fool you into thinking you're wanted and liked by people. Because the matter of the fact is, you're not. When you feel like a burden, everything seems to prove you are. Conversations seem forced, smiles seem fake, hugs seem unwanted. The truth gets pitied and people roll their eyes in discreet because they're fed up with your crap. They don't want to deal with you being miserable all the time. They don't understand how you can't just stop it and be normal for once. Or think you're just another attention whore. The things is, you try your best with every ounce of energy you have, to keep out of the limelight. You cower away from attention because the cycle is just too viscous and you always end up getting burned just like the last time. It's not that they're wrong, you're wrong. You're the problem.

When you feel like a burden, all you want to do is leave. It saddens me as to how now I conclude I am a burden, that I feel trapped now more than ever....