stay strong, warrior ♡

Why You Shouldn't Kill Yourself

I know, I know. You’ve heard it a thousand times: don’t kill yourself, it gets better, stay strong, blah blah blah. I’ll try not to be too cliché if you give me a chance and read this. I don’t think I’m going to magically cure your suicidal thoughts just by saying all this, but I hope it’ll help, at least a little bit.

I’m not going to go too far into my own story, because this isn’t about me. But in order for you to believe me, I think you need to know that I’ve been there. I’ve felt what it’s like to wake up in the morning and not want to be here. I can’t say I know exactly what you’re feeling, since everyone is different, but I do know what it’s like to want to die, to attempt suicide, to hurt yourself repeatedly and cry because you just don’t want to be alive anymore.

I haven’t properly introduced myself, have I? Okay, well I’m Hajer, but my friends call me Haje or jess . I go by Zai/ Emily  on here. Sometimes people call me Noodle. I have a lot of nicknames. I’m a teenage girl and I love bands and my friends. I’m really loud and I speak my mind. I don’t really have a brain-to-mouth filter. I have been diagnosed with numerous mental disorders, and have experience with a wide range of things, including self-harm, but that’s just a small part of who I am. I am bigger than my problems. It’s terrible to have to endure in the first place, so why go through it alone? As you may or may not know, I am here to help you with whatever problems you’re going through.

Now that you know me, let’s get started.

So here you are. You’re thinking about suicide. Maybe this is your first time thinking about it, or maybe you’ve been here a thousand times before. Either way, not wanting to live anymore is one of the hardest experiences there is, and I’m so sorry you’re in this mental state. I know you probably don’t want to be told what to do right now, but I’m going to tell you anyway because I’m stubborn. First, I want you to take some deep breaths. Go get some chocolate or popcorn—this is going to take a while. Sit down somewhere you feel comfortable. Stay away from anything you could potentially hurt yourself with. Go get a blanket or something if you’re cold. Sit around in just your underwear if you want, I don’t care, as long as it makes you comfortable and you’re safe.

You may think nobody cares about you. I’m going to be blunt: that’s total bullshit. Someone loves you. Maybe you haven’t even met them yet. But they care. Someone would care if you died. It could be someone you don’t even think about, like your hairdresser. Most likely, almost everyone in your life would be devastated if you not only died but died by your own hand. Think about someone you care about more than anyone else in the world. Now think about being at home, doing homework or going on Tumblr, and getting a phone call. That person died. Not only did they die, but they committed suicide. How would you feel? Imagine finding their body. How would that affect you? The rest of your life? Any time you saw something that reminded you of them, you’d fall into despair. Would you want any of your loved ones to feel like that? I’m not going to beat around the bush here. That’s what will happen if you kill yourself. It will devastate their lives. If you can’t live for yourself, live for others.

With that being said, you need to learn how to live because you want to, not simply because others need you. This will take time. That’s okay. You will be happy again someday. This will also take time, and that’s okay, too. Part of the reason you may be feeling like this could be a chemical imbalance in your brain that can be helped with medication. A lot of people are hesitant about medication, believing it will take away from who they are, but I can say from firsthand experience that this isn’t true. If anything , it’s depression that takes away from who you really are. Depression is a medical illness like any other. If you were diabetic, would you not take insulin? Even if you don’t want medication, therapy can help. It can help anyone—in my opinion, everyone should see a therapist. Talk to someone. Tell them how you feel. Ask your parents or another trusted adult for help. You don’t have to do this on your own.

However, even with therapy and/or medication, the road to recovery isn’t going to be easy. I’m not going to repeat the words “It gets better” that you’ve heard a thousand times. Here’s the truth: if you don’t make an effort, it won’t get better. Life doesn’t just magically get easier (though it tends to get a little better on its own after high school). The truth is, if you want life to get better, you have to MAKE it get better. Surround yourself with people who bring you up, not down. Make a conscious effort to make the right decisions. Make an effort to stop doing self-damaging behaviors. It’s not going to be easy. But nothing in life is. The important part is that it’s worth it. You will get better. It will take a lot of hard work on your part, but you will get better and it will get easier.

If for nothing else, live for the little things. Live for sunsets, sunrises, surprise kisses, gentle kisses, “I love you”s, puppies, kittens, ducklings (basically, baby anythings), tumblr, friends, friends you haven’t met yet, lovers you haven’t met yet, your idol, orgasms, laughing so hard your stomach hurts. Live because your fandom needs you, for pete’s sake. Live for something so beautiful it makes your eyes water. Live for tight hugs and bubble baths. Live for the 6 billion people you haven’t met. Live for the millions of experiences you have yet to experience. Now, repeat after me: This is not the end. This is not the end. This is not the end.