an important world history lesson

the space wars of 3077

Slight to the side

too far to the side and over the cliff

too far to the side and over the cliff but then up because turns out you're Jesus and god is calling you back home

too far up as jesus doesn't have directions back to god and into the sun

Into the sun however you're still Jesus the sun doesn't affect you. You decide to make the sun your new home with you Jesus powers you make sun resistant babies and attack earth which your baby army cuz you're Jesus you can do what the fuck you want.

Jesus attacks the earth. the human race is inslaved by the sun babies for 1000 years until the uprising of the moon rebels. however they do not succeed as their leader moony mc moonface ate too many of the suncakes and got morbidly obese and evaporated. everyone died.

Thinking they were victorious the sun babies went to the pub to celebrate unfortunately their infant bodies couldn't handle the alcohol their livers decide they don't want to deal with this crap so they run to Antarctica where they colonise and work toward reviving the moon rebels meanwhile Jesus is no where to be found: nerd theorists believe he's belly dancing in Norway.

The nerd theorists were right. jesus fled to norway in hiding after the great war of 3077 under the name jimmy walnut. he became a regional champion and was determined to win at nationals. however, his great rival porkchop jr took the crown, causing him to bury himself in a mountain in columbia.

God is furious Columbian mountains are his enemy and now his son has become one with them, to show his wrath god freezes all the cheese on earth: everyone knows Columbians live off mozzarella. The Antarctican liver colonies have been silent for the past 3 decades everyone fears the soon they will strike.

The problem with freezing the cheese is that the cheese smells. the world begins to stink of rotting cheese and the people begin to die from the overwhelming stench. the liver colonies decide enough is enough and awake from the hibernation to rid the world of frozen cheese and bring peace to the ever dying humans.

The humans are grateful, ed milliband pledges to help the livers revive the moon colonies. With the help of national belly dancing champion porkchop jr and his illegal underground nuclear weapons factory they are successful. A new alliance between the humans, moon rebels and livers is formed. A new age for earth begins but not for long. the shifting of the tectonic plates causes a shift in the earth's atmosphere and a race of demon monkeys are born that begin to terrorise the galaxy. the new alliance begins to fight the monkeys, but with no avail. the monkeys resurrect their lord trump and build a wall over the entire earth. the previous inhabitants are forced over to mars and begin to plan the overthrowing of the demon monkeys.

Unfortunately as it turns out mars truly is just a giant red beach. With no supplies or means of getting help the alliance turns to cannibalism to survive. After almost 2 years of this 4 champions who have managed to make it this far sign a peace treaty they begin to build a space ship out of the bones of their deceased brethren and head to the nearby planet Venus to ask the race of french fingers for help in the war to regain their home planet

Alas when they return the wall has expanded to around the atmosphere, and the four must use the last of their strength to make an entrance. the weak foursome discover that lord trump has been murdered by a rebel monkey and they must gain his help to gain control of their home planet.

Nevertheless because of the true power of friendship they are able to resonate their power and blast through the wall using their happiness ray. The monkey are allergic to happiness they all implode immediately and the foursome have regained the planet. Or so they think

The remaining monkeys who weren't destroyed have yet again managed to resurrect trump and the foursome, gary, tarpool, oswalf, and spatula must defeat the monkeys once and for all. only 40 monkeys remained and spatula had a plan. she lured the monkeys towards west china by using the remains of the frozen cheese and fucking crushed them under a fucking boulder. lord trump immediately escaped and to this day no one knows his location. the foursome have reclaimed the earth and begin to repopulate their planet.

Repopulation has been successful the world now has over 3 million inhabitants but unbeknownst to them god and trump have began planning their revenge for many months now. Spatula senses that something is wrong with her psychic powers and the world begins to arm themselves for another battle tbh tho the world has had enough of wars the are contemplating moving to a different solar system and starting a jello making factory.

Oswalf hates jello with a passion. he decides to leave the clan and move somewhere free of jello. gary is incredibly depressed as he was madly in love with oswalf and never said anything to him. he decides to follow him across the galaxy but he ran into a asteroid and died. oswalf found him 30 years later and hung his skeleton on the wall and prayed to it everyday. oswalf was emo as fuck.

Tarpool and spatula are the only ones remaining on their way to their new galaxy spatula remembers she forgot to bring spare underwear. Tarpool is disgusted at her lack of preparation so he throws her into the missile launcher. Realising that he just killed his last companion tarpool goes into a coma due to a fear of being alone. With no one to pilot the ship it crashes into a free floating donkey killing tarpool now no one remains.