Love From Sammy (Dance Academy Fanfic)

Love From Sammy.

Something was coming. I felt it like waking up from a bad dream, unable to shake off this strange world that haunted me. One thing for sure, I knew this: my time was running out. It's not like I felt a sense of fear at this surreal situation. It's like I've accepted it, as if this is something that is going to happen and there's nothing I can do to stop it. The one thing that I've struggled with is what I will leave behind when I'm gone. What will my friends remember me as? How could I give a piece of myself to them without them seeing anything suspicious? How could I possibly describe this piece of knowledge I have. They would either think I am crazy or try to save me. How can they save me from something that only feels like a shadow? They can't, so I grin and dumb down the feeling and just carry on. It's pretty hard to hide the fact that you know you're going to die, just not when or where.

 Another day of class has just finished and I'm back in my dorm room, staring at the ceiling, thinking nothing. 
"You okay?" Christian asks. He's just come into our room. 
"Yeah." I say. "I'm tired" 
"You're always tired" 
I am. My energy seems drained now days, and I used to be able to handle it. Since I knew something was coming (I'm finding it hard to not call it 'the end' but I don't want my life to resemble a bad sci-fi movie) the fact has taken a toll on me. For a moment i want to blurt out everything to Christian. How I'm scared that I'm not scared. Whether something can be done to stop this. I look at Christian. He sees things and understands, and then helps you when you try to put them right. Thats what makes him my best friend. He's lying on his bed, lazily strumming a guitar. 
"Christian?"
"Mmhm" 
"How could I make a lasting impression?" 
"What?" He smirks. He's confused and I don't blame him. The question even caught me off guard. 
"Is this about the prix?" 
It's the preliminaries tomorrow. I was going to do it but I'm thinking of skipping. When you feel like any moment you could just be blown away, you can't make any long term commitments. 
I nod anyway. Even Christian wouldn't understand the impossible situation I was in. 
"I don't know, man. Just be yourself. Walk in the room like you belong there. Leave a part of yourself when you're gone." He says. 
His words swirl around my brain. 
"Yeah. Thanks man" 
"And if there's a hot chick milling around backstage, get her number. You might not get through, but you'll get something else... Or a guy's number"
I groan. "Christian, I know you're all about accepting my sexuality, but I get what you mean. You don't have to add "or a guy" to every sentence" I say. 
He laughs. "Just letting you know I accept you" 
"That's cool, man." I laugh. "I'm not looking for love"

He holds a hand to his heart in mock outrage.

"Tragic" he gasps.

I suddenly want to tell him how much he means to me, how much I'll miss him, but I'm not good at speaking. I stumble over the words, tripping over well meaningful sentences with awkwardness. Written words, however, I find a lot easier to control. It's much easier to craft a sentence than to say a speech. It might be the cowards' way to it, but so be it. I'm a coward.
"Hey, are you going to the beach today?" He asks. 
"Is it today?" I rub my head. All I want to do is sleep, but moments like this are running out for me. I want to spend as many as I can with my friends. 
"Sure." I say. "Why not?" 
Christian smiles and goes back to his strumming. I am faced with an unsolvable problem. I think I'm more scared of being forgotten, for not meaning anything, for my dancing here at the Academy going unnoticed than I am of leaving. It feels weird saying that-leaving. Like it's something that I've decided. It's certainly not, but I have been given the golden ticket of knowing beforehand that something big was going to happen, and going to happen to me. I could only hope it doesn't outshine my presence. 

Being at this beach was like a thousand memories being flood before my eyes, like a private cinema showing.Memories like Me with Kat, telling her about my muffins for Christian. (Right there is evidence of my total inability to say anything). Like Jumping into the harbour with Christian. Me and Ollie, running on the beach together, and holding hands after. They were all there, all of the people I loved. All of the people who had made me who I was today, and all the people I'm going to have to leave behind. 
"You ok mate?"Christian asked. He looked concerned. 
"Yeah" I tell him. "I'm fine" 
I watched Tara and Kat dance off in the distance, laughing as they lose their footing. Christian and Ollie are beside me, Ollie saying a lot and Christian just nodding. Finally, Abigail was beside me, looking beautiful in a bikini. It took immense effort not to stare at her. Something Ollie says makes me tune into their conversation. 
"I don't know, man. Live fast, die young" 
"I don't believe in doing anything reckless and wasting your life just to be famous for a while" Christian argues. 
"Being alive for eighty years but not actually living is worse than dying young" 
"But if you die young, how can you build relationships that will make sure people remember you?" I jump in. 
"It's not a case of people remembering you" Ollie says. "It's about what you leave behind. How you change them" 
"Can we stop talking about Death" Abigail says, flicking through a magazine. "I came to the beach to tan, not to listen to three guys have an existential crisis." 
"Well what's your view?" I ask. 
"It doesn't matter. None of us are going to die anytime soon" 
"You don't know that for sure"
"Calm down Lieberman. You're not going to die" 
My heart stops when she says that. "I still want to know. Would you rather live fast and die young, or take it slow?" 
She doesn't pause before she answers. "That's easy. I can have both. Living doesn't mean putting my life in danger, it means getting the most out of the time I've been given" 
Just then Tara and Kat join us, sounding a little breathless. 
"What's up?" Tara asks. 
"Levels of depression, apparently" Abigail replies. 
"Huh?" 
"Don't worry" I say. 
"Right." Christian says. "Swim time" 
He grabs Tara's hand and they run into the sea, and I'm glad that their relationship doesn't leave me feeling anything but joy for them both. They're good for each other, like yin and yang. Ollie goes next, and I'm glad that he's talking to me, at least. Ollie is wild and adventurous and demanding, and when I kissed him I felt like I could be those things too. That's in the past now, and he will never be my future. Kat runs after Ollie until I am left with Abigail. I feel a burst of happiness for all of them. Abigail gets up, my eyes slipping over her brown legs to meet her eyes. The sunlight hits her, and I know I'm not meant to feel like this anymore but I feel dizzied, like I'm connected to the earth and the beach but far away from it at the same time.
"Coming?" She asks. 
I get up. "Race you to the sea" I tell her. 
"You're on" she puts her hand out to shake mine, but when I accept she pushes me to the ground and charges off. 
I hastily get to my feet, feet pounding on the sand, getting closer to the sea and my friends. She's beaten me, laughing in my face, but I'm laughing too because I love all of the people here. I'm splashing her in revenge, and we're all fighting, water shocking me from all sides. I get dunked my Christian and I'm suddenly plunged under the water, my sound blocked off, blue stinging my eyes. Hands lift me up and I'm back, inhaling air again, rising from the surface. I am here and I am in this moment, and that is all that matters.