Frozen Tears

Part 8

I didn’t know what it was that drove me to do it, or what gave me the idea of it, but I found myself hanging around Kyungsoo more. Maybe it was because of my curiosity on what part he had in Jongin’s life or maybe my want to get to know him more. Because the way my brother had talked about him over the phone for every single time I called, it would always end up with Jongin talking about how his day with Kyungsoo went. How Kyungsoo cooked some kimchi spaghetti for him, or how they visited the dog shelter to play with the pups and dogs, and how they were planning on having their sleepover the day after tomorrow. It was amazing how animated and elated Jongin sounded over the phone as he talked about Kyungsoo, I could practically hear him smirking and grinning.

And as I spent more time with Kyungsoo, eating lunch or having coffee together every other day, I was starting to understand what it was that Jongin saw at his petit male friend. How Kyungsoo’s eyes are forever looking like they’re always surprised and confused. How his lips would form a heart when he smiles – no matter how small the smile is. How his eyes would turn into crescent moons and how his cheekbones would rise when he laughs. How he loves to cook and loves to clean. How deep his voice is when he talks and how it reaches an octave higher when he sings. How hard he could hit someone with his hand, and how he could easily be offended. How adorable he really is despite being both a lady and man killer. It wasn’t a surprise to know how fast he could charm and win over people, how people easily warm up to him and how fast they like him.

Kyungsoo was a warm person.

The kind of warm Jongin would have loved to be around with for the rest of his life.

The kind of warm I was hoping to find someday.

And I found myself liking Kyungsoo, despite having a slight clue that he still had feelings for my brother. Because it wasn’t hard to miss how his eyes would sparkle when he talks about Jongin, and how broken they would look right after. How much longing lingers in his voice when he mentions Jongin’s name, and how his lips would form such a small smile after the name had rolled out of his tongue. How he would talk about Jongin as if the man could hear him. It was such a nice sight to come across, seeing someone in love with someone so close to your heart that’s already gone. It just made my heart swell with admiration of how Kyungsoo loved Jongin, I was almost envious of him.

What had me smiling at the end of the day was how much Kyungsoo had finally opened up to me. Though I am still cautious of letting our skins touch, afraid of him freaking out, I was happy at the amount of small smiles and small talks about Jongin he had done for the past few months. Though my first ten invitations of having a cup of coffee with him were turned down, he finally agreed at my eleventh try. It was an amazing feeling. Because Kyungsoo was practically making Jongin live again through his stories I was slowly getting to know how Jongin was when I was busy studying abroad.

Jongin was lucky to have met Kyungsoo.

And it was as plain as day that Kyungsoo was more than grateful to have fallen in love with my brother.

And I found myself feeling envious of Jongin.

Because Kyungsoo fell in love with Jongin after meeting him for such a short time, and still managed to stay in love despite how much time had passed since he died.

And I wanted to be Jongin.

Because Kyungsoo was in love with him.

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Though Jongin had the same face as Kai, it was now clear to me that there was nothing else that they had in common. Because when Jongin loved sweets, Kai loved to eat anything spicy. When Jongin lived to be able to dance, Kai was born to paint and draw people as who they are. When Jongin would kill to have a pet dog, Kai was too irresponsible to even think about having one. When Jongin would be able to sleep through the end of the world, Kai would wake up at the very slight foreign movement.