Hanging

We happy few

When Aleksandr had turned seventeen, he couldn't tell if it had became the best or worst day of his life. He was officially alone, the world's worst family had left him. One morning where he had woken up, no one was there, a part of him thought they were just out, a part of him thought they were gone for good. He knew they were gone for good, when he found a lot of stuff gone, clothing, passports, stuff that was known as important. He couldn't help but think the world was either coming to an end or starting somewhere for him. Roaming around the house, his legs becoming unsteady underneath him. His eyes scanning the things around him, why had they left? He had many questions pacing around his skull but he very much had some happiness in his chest. But anxiety pinching in his stomach, he was alone and he was only seventeen. What was he going to do, he finished high school this year the same as starting college. Yet he had no clue how he was going to get there and finish everything with a okay mental state. Nothing was alright in that mind of his, he couldn't go a day without thinking everything was going to go to shit. As it was, he attempted to put together the facts in his head that it may have not been all so bad. Had been alone most of his life and needless to say, he felt a feeling being lifted on his shoulders. He no longer would be hit and beaten down, no more fists connecting with his jaw. His yellow tinted white skin would no longer have purple and blue and hints of gray mixed with it. He felt almost relieved but sadly he was still alone, he had more than just his own conscience telling him what was wrong. His body sunk down, as his busted torn knees collided with the slick wood. His hands slowly touched the wood, his whole body tensed up as his eyes became glossy. His crooked smile widen as he begun to sob, a string of saliva strung from his lips as he felt his own tears pile from his waterline and overflow, streaming down his pale face.
    Aleksandr brought his eyes up his chocolate orbs turned scanning the empty vast house that had emptied, although he noticed only the important stuff that had been taken - sadly he knew he wasn't one of them. Slowly propping himself up to a proper sit along the wooden flooring, he slowly slouched over to where his eyes became dull. The purple bags under his eyes became darker as they showed true pain and sorrow powering through his eyes. His eyes just lying within his lap, he placed one hand within the other palm. He didn't speak, sob or scream he just sat there with single stream of tears that forced their way past his eyelashes. Aleksandr came to realize even though they have inflicted great amount of pain on him more than the boy would've ever hoped, being abandoned is the most heartbreaking thing anyone could ever imagine. If he were to restart his life, he could've done things differently it may have been not the best but he could've at least something that lead to the opposite direction of where he is now. This is twisting pain that only rests in the chest and stomach, that constantly nags telling oneself that it is real and there is nothing they can do about it. Leaving them in physical and mental pain for this time being or even the rest of their lives depending on how they carry it out. Aleksandr as of now, helplessly doesn't know how to carry it out, his mind is elsewhere somewhere far from it's original state. Telling itself that it's going to be okay but it knows that it's far from just that. Aleksandr is from now and this moment forward - lost.
    Slowly using his fist to press on the floor using as support to get up off the ground, his weak unsettled body turning to collect the surroundings with only his vision. His hands resting among his sides, his fingers rolling inward as his hands turn into fists. Anger was a stage of pain, that was going to be a stage he was only going to feel along with sorrow for the rest of his life. Aleksandr slowly brought his limbs to the stairs, casually attempting to use all his strength to carry himself to his bedroom. Although all he wanted to do was collapse and cry until his eyes shattered into pieces of glass. He knew his strength lied more higher than that, Aleksandr finally got to the top of the stairs before he had slowly roamed over to his adoptive parents room. Looking around, his anger boiled in the pit of stomach where more than just pain was felt. He grabbed a vase that rested gently next to their door, it was white and glass that lied white tulips inside that never seamlessly died. His hand grasped around the vase as he chucked it across the room, as scream escaped his throat as watched it shattered above their bed. The pieces covered the champagne red sheets, as the light that shined through from the blinds hitting the glass at an angle that hit him back. The clear white glass shined brightly at him as he gripped tightly at what was nothing. Standing briefly in the room, as he slowly begun to bend forward, his teeth digging into his swollen bottom lip in return to hold back his cry. But he couldn't help the tear that forced it's way through and made it's way down his pale face.
    Spending the rest of the evening on the porch of the house, his vision lied on the pavement. The woods that lied behind stayed put and became tinted due to the rain that fell from the darkened sky. His breathing was light, feeling as his finger gently ran up and down the skin of his wrist. It was a way of keeping calm, it was a way to keep back the pain that dared to creep back up in his chest. Not a moment in time did his thoughts travel elsewhere, they were kept still. He felt ill, everything was silent. To silent, there wasn't any talking, screaming, someone yelling at him. He didn't need the feel to speak, as if his own voice were to sound weird or off. Aleksandr kept himself still, his legs propped on the couch that sat outside. As the rain ran off the roof that hung above the porch, seeing the drops fall from the edge. His eyes fell with them, so did his hope. He slowly rose from the couch and brought his legs under him, scanning the rain around him the closer he got toward it. He noticed the emptiness of the neighborhood, there was nothing, no one - he was alone. From beginning to end everyone was just going to leave him hanging here. Aleksandr eyes slowly flicked downward before he turned his head back toward the woods. Perhaps he should've gone with his parents, lived up to their expectations, if he couldn't have died with them - he was going to die like them.
    Aleksandr couldn't remember the days where his mind was okay, being young and alone he was put in nobody's hands but his owns and he could do nothing but sit there in his own head. He had no plans, not a single thing planned out and it begun to accrue to him that it may have been best it he begun to plan the only thing that mattered out - his own death. It took a few days to figure out how he wanted to do it, where he wanted to do it, but it came to him that the place would be the one home he was left with. Aleksandr's thoughts couldn't manage to pick out ideas and cope with the thought that he was going to do it. But he finally choose a way, the night came of May 1st where he carried himself to his bathroom, settling himself onto the cold stone floor, his hair parted to where it covered mostly the left half of his face. The bags under his eyes had darkened to an extent they couldn't go any further, Aleksandr brought the blade to his wrist and as quick as he could sliced it across both wrists. Before he took the time to toss the blade, and settle there. It may have been his time, it may have not but it was what the boy wanted, it was what he craved. His body became weak as it tempted to cover the wounds and curl up due to the burning pain that swelled his cuts. But he kept away, his chocolate orbs watching the blood creep from his cuts as if they were escaping, leaving just as quickly as his own family did - and it hurt him greatly even more. He leaned against the wall, his eyes attempting to stay open but they couldn't any longer. Tears filled his eyes once more, there wasn't a light and sadly there wasn't no flashbacks either, so he couldn't remember not a detail of his parents faces just before he ended up like them. Briefly that thought escaped his mind as his body fell along the ground, weak and broken he was lying in a puddle of his own blood and tears.
    A few days later, it had came to the conclusion that he ended up in the hospital. His wrist were covered and stitched up, a whole amount of anger had built up in him when he had seen he was alive, living. Aleksandr sat there, as the nurse came in her eyes peeling to him her arm extending to him for comfort but his eyes just glared. He felt no comfort, never had, never will, she brought her hand to herself and cleared her throat attempting to pull herself together. Noticing that the boy in front of her had attempted to kill himself, he was to be given the home due to be old enough to own one. Aleksandr eyed her, before turning over in the white bed that was flattened out due to the patients that may have lied here before hand.  Why was he here? God why was he here, how could you do such a thing. It may have been luck, that he have ended up in a hospital after a few days of lying on a bathroom floor in a pile of blood when some of it is dry and tighten along the skin. Aleksandr was barely spoken to, unless it was by a psychiatrist who attempted to pull together his thoughts. Yet only pull them further apart, it was like a sick joke seeing people attempt to see through him, he was a puzzle with some broken edged pieces so the puzzle never came together. But when some people fixed those edges and placed those pieces together, who knew he could possibly be the most wonderful person someone could've ever met. Although no matter how hard someone tries, he will continue to always break those pieces. Leaving him to be the broken person there is.
    At the end of the month, after attempting to settle in the home of pure silence. Getting use to the police checking up on him every once in awhile to see how the young man had been handling himself. Aleksandr had been doing things that kept his mind at ease, such as sitting along the couch while it was cool and dull outside or while it rained with some food in hand. Some days the police would buy him pizza from a rather good pizza place in moscow, it was surprising how it was still hot when it got down here. They only did it when it was dull and cold outside, they knew how it got under his skin when it was all dark outside. Although it set him at ease, sometimes the local detective from the department in moscow would come and run with him when the days were bright and warm, to keep Aleksandr active and healthy. Apparently exercise kept the anxiety at a low level and helped a lot with depression, they had clues on what to do and they wanted to help, Aleksandr appreciated it more than they'd ever know.
    Graduation rolled around, the time he was in a silk gown the almost hid his hands due to it's length and that hung to his knees. Aleksandr vision lied on those who had family, those who smiled while they gathered with them and those who laughed because they had futures to look forward to. He stood there with his hands by his side, his stitches in tacked, people knew what happened to him and it made him tense that others knew him as the kid that attempted suicide. Because now all he got was sympathy, he didn't want that. He wanted to get this over with, so he could start something new. But his eyes couldn't leave the smiles, the red embarrassed faces, and the hugs that were tight and meant more than he'd possibly ever know. They had family, all he had was a few cops and a detective standing there with him asking if he was okay every second. Patting his back whispering to him that it will be over with in no time or it's just a blimp in his timeline. Aleksandr wanted to take this time into consideration, he'd never see of these people ever again or know their story fully or know them entirely. He took everyone's details in, the lines of the faces, the color of their eyes, the tone of their skin, the sound of their laughs even the sway of their movement. Before he knew it, he knew everyone as if he had made them himself. With just a little adjusting he knew he'd never know their personalities but that was perfectly fine, he knew just enough.
    Standing in line, names were called and people clapped even for those no one seemed to even know. Aleksandr kept his hands by his side, his eyes were low scanning the lining of the cement flooring. The gray tone as it faded briefly into black scrapes due to the girls who wore heels. The movement of those who stepped forward waiting for their name to be called, being one of those in the middle, close to the last, his heart began to beat rapidly. Aleksandr's name was called, his head snapped up and the police clapped and everyone did as well. For reasons he didn't know but his limbs took him to the stage, his vision became faint as he attempted to make it up the stairs. Before he knew it, he stood at the top and faced the principle and glossy orbs, he handed him his certificate and the principles smile lit up briefly before it faintly went away. Aleksandr grabbed it gently before saying what he needed and roaming off. The eyes pierced through him more he would've known, like a knife stabbing him over and over but it felt like it never dragged out. It just kept twisting and jabbing, children watched and same with parents. Aleksandr gripped the certificate tightly and attempted to keep everything in, as if the last month of working on it had not helped, and he knew for a fact he still had a lot of work to do. He stepped toward his chair and faced toward the front inhaling and exhaling. Wishing he was six feet under the ground as of about now.
    Everyone clapped, yelled, laughed, and screamed in joy. Throwing their hands in the air where their futures seemed to begin and his seemed to only end. He stood still briefly before he noticed everyone begun to turn on the heel of their shoes to hug their parents, their siblings, and their relatives. His eyes became glossy as he watched the scenes in front of him, flickering like a 1970's film and the tape suddenly caught aflame. A hand grabbed gently on his shoulder, as Aleksandr's eyes peeled over to see it was the detective. The detectives green eyes took a toll to understand what took every ounce of Aleksandr's happiness in that very moment. The overwhelming chatter that was in the background powered through the ringing in his head, he noticed he shouldn't be here any longer, he got what he came for, he graduated. What else is there to wait for, besides the overwhelming feeling of being unwanted.
    The next few days, he had sat in the same exact place outside. Nothing on his mind, just the same exact expression as his eyes bore through the forest that stood still behind his own vacant home. Just before he begun to cry again, he was becoming just as faceless as his own parents and it hurt him more than anything. Hearing a car pull up because the rain begun to fall from the sky, Aleksandr's head snapped toward what was coming from that direction, seeing it had only been two of the police officers one of them being the detective. The detective held food and the other held three small bottles of diet cokes, roaming over their eyes fell on Aleksandr knowing he'd be back here. Falling with his daily routine, settling down beside him and the other sat on the floor looking up at him. They took into consideration he may not be doing so well, taking out food for each one of them and handing Aleksandr the diet coke and gave his partner the other and save one for himself. It was a small group, although the boy was seventeen and dealing with suicidal thoughts and clinical depression, as well as the officers only met him due to saving him. They don't regret it either, as much as they have told him they are glad he is still around. Patting him on the back and giving him a hug every time they attend to leave, Aleksandr enjoyed them being around even if they didn't have the food. Aleksandr took a bite of his food and smiled briefly, enjoying what he had. Knowing these officers gave him the closest to family he's ever going to get.
    After a year of being on his own, the eighteen year old boy took it into consideration that his adoptive family was in fact never coming back. Although he had been accepted into college up in Moscow, a very large university that holds up to more than 15,000 students attending. Aleksandr knew he was getting himself into something but it was an hour drive to attend, he'd do it anyways if it got him where he needed to be. His major was in criminology, something that fit his personality and kept the boy intrigued. Getting use to the daily routine was something he needed to get use to, waking up early, getting ready, eating, driving, attending class, working, driving back, and then sleeping. It was something that wore him out to the bone, but the officers checked up on him when they had the chance and when he also had the time. The students he attended with didn't know he existed, with how he was, how quiet he was it was like he wasn't even there. It was much more than being quiet everyone knew he was a reserved person, kept to himself all of the time and only responded to the professor when he wanted answers. Some people found him to be one of the most intelligent people, the only way he knew that was because they'd always ask him for help, for understanding. It made him feel good, like he could finally do something.
    The first year of college dragged, he wasn't much on keeping himself kept in the silent vacant home. Which the officers were attempting to make more comfortable, but Aleksandr would never give it the time of day to leave and go find furniture to make the house better. It just wasn't what he wanted, he wasn't planning on staying any longer than after college. He usually only came home to study, sleep, eat, and clean himself up. He could do all of that somewhere else if he wanted to, but the officers hoped he wouldn't. He was throwing himself away, he was really giving up on himself here. Christmas break rolled around and he was alone for the entire two weeks of the break, his mind settled that he would attempt to keep himself sane for the entire time he was alone. The officers planned to visit him during the break to see if was okay, as more the time dragged he remained sitting in the same couch outside where instead of rain - snow fell. Christmas had been depressing, sad, sorrowful, as he was alone and would rather be asleep most of the time. His hands lied on his hand attempting to keep back the cries, he wished he wasn't alone, he wished he had someone here with him.
    Dragging his hands off his face, and his chocolate orbs peeled toward his wrists toward the scars. His finger traced the deep scar as he wept silently to himself. He will never wake up from this.  His fists curled as he put them in his lap, as his legs were brought to his chest. Tears fell once more from the males face in hopes it would all get out so it didn't have to continue. He heard children laughing in the neighborhood and a sudden pain in his chest turned to harden. They didn't know they had someone in pain next door to them, because they didn't hear his cries. He bit down on the bridge of his thumb in hopes of keeping the sobs in. There was much more strength being endured than that, he slowly pushed his legs down along the couch and his body went down with it. He lied there and sobbed silently as the cold hit him, as his fingers tighten their grip onto the rims of his hoodie. There wasn't a way he'd be able to keep in his pain much longer, before sudden anger started to swarm over again. It was a constant battle over what he had felt and he had no clue what to feel, what to do, so his reaction to everything was to do nothing about it in general. Just to lie there and take all the pain in, to fall into the darkness as quick as possible.
    Hopefully by the time the officers arrived he would be still be able to function, his limbs have grown weak due to being in the cold for too long. As the officers had arrived it was mess, the bags under his eyes were dark and his lips were swollen and his eyes weren't even their color. They helped him up and into the house, got him warm and his skin back to it's original color. They came to the conclusion that even as a college student, they can't be around forever to save him. He was going to have to learn to cope with the pain and make his life better in other ways. Although Aleksandr wasn't fully aware of how to do just that, they watched him with heavy eyes before slowly rising up from where they sat. Taking in the moment to speak with consideration hoping he heard and understood every single word that spilled from their lips. But after a few moments they noticed he was just lost, he didn't know where to start or even where to continue. They'd wish to help, but it was only a matter of time before their help was no longer needed.
    Christmas break had passed, college was going by quick, just as he would've hoped. Aleksandr drove home, with his eyes along the road as the lights hinted off and on as he drove past, his fingers wrapped around the steering wheel. His mind taking place elsewhere prior to what the situation was, he took a moment to process his thoughts as his heart beat begun to to get rather loud. He could hear it vibrate through his body as he took deep breaths, as he knew he was still alive and it was a shame to think such a thing. Aleksandr eyes snapped to the side as he approached a stop light, a pair of eyes set upon him from the side. They bore through him, he could barely catch his own breath when he turned to see it was only someone waiting to the light to turn green so they could pass. Nothing was worse than the feeling of being judged, as he could feel so many eyes boring through him even though they may not even being judging him. When the light flicked green, he pressed on the gas and the car jolted forward before he drove toward his neighborhood. The small homes and the much larger ones, his eyes scanned searching for his own. When he did find his own, he pulled into the driveway placing one had over the other. Putting his car into park, and sitting there for a few before taking a breath and gathering his thoughts.