I craved for something real for so long, it became my obsession. That connection between two people, the kind that lasts a lifetime. The kind that comes as easy as breathing, and leaves you feeling satisfied for eternity.
Once upon a time, I truly believed that self worth only came in packages, wrapped in satin sheets filled with empty condom wrappers and marijuana smoke. I believed that love was something you could only achieve by giving all of yourself to a single person, and expecting nothing in return. Getting nothing in return but your guts spilling on to the floor and your mind completely drained of all emotion. The thought of walking away crept into your mind and tip toed around, but the strength you once had was depleted by the constant caregiving of others.
But one day, your satin sheets turn to cotton topped with blankets soft as clouds. Feeling the eyes of another staring into your soul, your vulnerability resting on the pillows. Feeling each others energy radiating outward, threading itself like a tapestry of warmth baking in the sun of someone's window pane.
Their fingertips twisting through your hair, running down your spine. Nothing but sheer ecstasy pulsing through your body. Somewhere in the pureness of it all, you feel wanted. For once, you feel the comfort in sobriety. For once, you feel comfort in their arms, wrapped so tightly around you as if they were trying to keep you from floating away. For once you feel like your heart could jump out of your chest and into their mouth, and you would dare to let them swallow it whole. Holding your brokenness in their belly like some kind of lock box to detain your pain.
Because at the end of the day, this moment will have to end, and the safe house you built within naked flesh and deep conversation will shatter with a nicotine flavored kiss goodbye under the moon and the thud of a car door closing.
Never mind the marks you left on each others skin, painting the blank canvas with streaks of salmon and dots of burgundy and blue. Never mind the moments of passion and intimacy between two strangers with deep brown eyes. Repressing the memories of childhood, the memories of their past addictions and the chance that they may feel something more than evenings spent in each others beds, letting the demons dance on the walls amongst whispers of lives that were lived, but not forgotten. Never mind the aching in your soul as you watch him walk away, wishing you could hold on to the taste of his lips and the feeling of his touch forever.
And even though you lay in the darkness alone, somewhere inside your chest there is light and a sense of company. Somewhere in the depths of your mind you can still hear his voice, warm and rich like espresso licking at your throat. With every gulp it warms your soul as you drift off into the night, waking only too soon for your dreams to conclude. The golden rays of sunlight trickling in through the curtains as a smile crosses your lips. Your own slice of heaven, served on a platter of bliss.
Somehow you find yourself back in his bed, wrapped in an embrace as the rest of the world sleeps. Only there and then do you finally feel complete, even though you told yourself not to let this happen. Even though you promised yourself to do this all on your own. That this thing they call Love, didn't exist for lost people like you. But there you are looking over the ledge, three steps from falling, wondering if the rocks below feel like daggers or silk. Contemplating the risks. Processing the logic in swan diving into the unknown without a care in the world. But his eyes feel like home, and his body the walls enclosing your happiness, and the rocks below look softer than before.
But what happens if you hit the ground? Will you shatter like the glass your bones are made of? Will you land head or feet first? Will reality come and burst this balloon of emotion into shards of steel, to rain upon you as you search desperately for a place to hide? Or will the earth be forgiving, letting the jagged boulders below give way to green meadows and soft pastures. Winding rivers and smooth breezes to show you that surrendering yourself to another doesn't have to be hard or painful in the least.
As you stand looking over the edge, you take a breath. Pebbles toppling down the cliff and into the depths of curiosity your mind is longing to explore. You take a glance back at the world you're leaving behind, adrenaline surging through your veins. As you face your fear head on.
You jump.
